Blahhh

I'm such a mistake lol.
Me and Danny almost broke up yesterday.
I cried so hard I got sick.
I couldn't speak. Like literately it was horrible.

I'm so fat and disgusting and I hate myself.  That's it bye

I'm so unhappy with my life

I really am. Nothing is seeming to go right anymore.

I love my boyfriend but then again I hate him. He doesn't treat me like a girlfreind. I want the kind of boyfriend who sends there girlfriends good night texts and kisses them the moment they see her and tell her she's beautiful.

I guess I'm asking for a lot. I mean this is the 21st century and it's not like I'm gonna marry the guy. A big part of me wants to break up with him but idk what I would do without him. A big chunk of. Y heart would feel like it been ripped out of my chest. It's like something would be missing. I couldn't walk through the hall ways and see him and act like everything was okay. I couldn't do it.

He took my virginity. If he didn't take my virginity it would be so much easier to break up with him. Why the hell did I have sex with him? I didn't wanna do it. Now I always wanna have sex. And he doesn't. Which makes me feel unwanted.

I don't think he wants to be with me either. I don't think he has for awhile now. I hate him. He's just so awful. I just wish he would treat me how he used too. 

just feel like crying tonight.

i don't like where my life is heading. i'm a mistake.

i'm 130-135 lbs.

ive relapsed on cutting.

i'm obsessed with my boyfriend.

i keep on thinking i'm happy but i'm not. it's all a lie. i'm putting a fake smile on.

i'm so disgustingly fat. it's so gross. i'm so gross. i just want to die.

god i'm disgusting.

I'm depressed

I feel like Danny's going to leave me. I'm so clingy and needy. I just want him to never leave me.


I love him so much. If he left me I would kill myself. No joke. He's the only reason why I've been happy.

What if he leaves me? What will I do?

I love him so much. ❤

so i guess ive realized what im doing

i'm taking a break. i haven't been going to group. i dread going to indivual. my therapist is gonna be disapointed but honestly i dont care.


i guess you could say im happy. idk. im not sure what i am. i dont care.

i dont care about anything just taking life as it comes.

i don't know who i am anymore.

i don't wanna talk about my eating disorder. i'm so sick of talking about it. of thinking about it. It always being there.

i like life. i do. im just....exhausted. i feel indifferent.

i love danny, he's my number one. we've only been dating for five months and maybe because he took my virginity but i love him. i care about him so much.

libby and jennie and katie are my best friends now. i like hanging out with them. i know deep down i miss my old friends but im not gonna admit that to myself, of course not.


i'm just so confused about life and all in all i don't care. school starts in a month. i'm sure hell will break free again.

relapsing.

im back. was recovering for a bit but I don't want to recover as of now.

i need to get skinny. im up to 130. thats horrid. im restricting.

ive been actually pretty happy this summer until of now.

school starts in exactly one month, what joy.

its whatever

i'm just trying to live my life.

i've been gone for so long.

my life right now is a mess. i went to church camp and felt really close to god but i can already feel myself falling. i wish someone would catch me.

i don't want to get better anymore. i'm sick of this recovery bullshit. i'm fatter and uglier than ever before.

i'm restricting tomorrow.

i've changed. i just want to die. dealing with life gets so old sometimes ya know?

danny such a great guy. were still together. i thought he would leave me by now. I'm sure he will eventrully.

he gets all pissed because i hang with my friends. i used to stop hanging with my friends cuz of him now i am making time for both. im sorry i need to find balance in my life.

i can't stop having sex with danny which is really the whole reason i was falling away. ugh. i'm sorry.

i want my phone i left it in dannys car. wahh.

welp

at least i'm not pregnant

i hate periods. but im glad i started because i was almost a week late.

i've gained like six/seven pounds. i can't even remember the last day wheree i didn't binge.

my uncles wake is today and funeral is tomorrow. i should probably get ready for that.

lol

so danny gets all mad that i went out to lunch with my friends but not him.

what he doesn't know that i can easily excuse myself to the bathroom with them to go purge but with him i cant do that.

i went to a chinease buffet and sat down and ate and then went to the bathroom and purged everything and sat back down like nothing happened.

danny can see through my lies which is why it's just safer not to eat around him.

oh if only he knew, if only he knew.

i want to cut. i already cut this week. i need to fill out my little diary card thing.

why am i so fnrngiurng

i wanna drink.

Idk

I just wanna die 4real

im so disgusting

and i hate myself but hey whats new.

ugh. it's summer so i should try not to give a fuck.

i just wish i wasn't me.

tomorrow since i've been binging so much and trying to fast is just making things worse i'm gonna eat 800 calories.

eggs in the morning up to 200 calories.

ill plan what else i'll eat through out the day.

i want to cut. wah.

i want to die.

dying > living

i think i'll try to go to sleep now

how can i be so happy one day and so sad the next?

i'm falling apart. why is it when everything starts to go good in my life i still feel so shitty?

i took my brothers adderal to stay up and do homework and shit but i ended up only sleeping for an hour which is not good because i have to get up in less than two hours.

i have so much anxiety though it's killing me.

i just want to sleep. i want to cut so bad that it's killing me.

most of all I just want to kill myself. honestly at this point if it wasn't for danny i would. i love him <3

i don't even wanna get better anymore,

i just want to sleep all day and binge and purge. i don't care about anything else.

i went to prom last night. it was kind of boring. but i enjoyed spending time with danny.

i have so much homework i need to do and i don't feel like doing it. i don't ever go to school which is why but frankly i don't give a fuck anymore. i have one week left. i'm gonna go this full week then im done. im just gonna go sleep everyday.

my scale says i'm losing weight but i sware it's broken. i have not been eating well and it says i barely weigh 120. i would weigh myself on my moms scale but idk where it is. i don't think my parents know i have my own.

when i get my next paycheck i think i'm gonna buy a digital one. idc if it's like 30 bucks.

i have so much stuff to do and i don't wanna do it. i just wanna go to sleep. i hate everyone and everything.

it's been a month since i cut. you don't know how bad i miss it.

i'm almost to the point where i don't even wanna go to therapy anymore. i just wanna let this shit kill me.

my therapist is gonna be angry when she finds out i'm not even putting into any effort of getting better. honestly i don't gibe a fuck.

thats it i guess. i'll try to write more since i've been slacking.

blech.

my life is such a mess. i don't feel like doing anything. i don't feel like talking, walking, or even breathing.

i hate school. i hate work. i just want to sleep.

binge purge is my life. fuck. i just wanna sleep.

i need to stop eating. i need to stop eating. i need to stop eating.

i hate this person that i am. i'm disgusting. literately i gross myself out. i just don't want anything to do with me anymore.

not cutting is tough.

i just dont want danny to think im a freak.

having an eating disorder is fucking exhausting. binge purge restrict repeat. ugh.

someone fix me. please. i should be happy. why arent i happy?

i'm officially diagnosed with an eating disorder and borderline personality disorder. sweet.

ughfuighidufgd. what the frack.

so heres my number, so call me maybe

i wanna change my life.

i don't wanna smoke and drink anymore. i wanna find jesus. i don't wanna hang out with the negative influences that certain people have on me.

i just wanna change things. idk.

maybe im changing because of danny? who knows. i mean we still have sex which probably isn't very jesus like. who knows. i just want things to change.

i want danny to go to church with me. yay.

3 more weeks of school till summer. seriously i can do this. it's almost over.

i wanna stop binging so much. tomorrow i'm restricting. i have to work so it shouldn't be that hard. hopefully i just don't get put on much breaks because thats when i eat. oh well.

me and danny have been dating for two months. he makes me so happy and makes my life so much more worth living. i love him. <3

wooo they changed this site

cool i guess.

i started my period which is why i think ive been so moody lately. who knows.

ive been b/ping so muich its gross. im fasting tomorrow no exceptions.

i told danny about my eating disorder. he said he already knew.

i need to go to sleep. i have gay ass school tomorrow. only 4 more weeks till schools over. im just counting down the days...

havent gone to school for two days

lol i hate school

and i hate life.

i think this medicine might be fucking me up. idk. i've just been really depressed and suicidal lately and i've been binging and purging way more. i've been thinking more and more about suicide.

my relationship with danny is turning unhealthy. he's almost like a drug. i need to step back from him. like imagining him leaving my life would just fucking kill me.

why did he have to fucking take my virginty? if we were to never have sex i would not be feeling like this. ugh. fuck.

i just want to be a virgin again. don't get me wrong i love sex but shits not even worth it. why the fuck am i so stupid?

i just wanna go throw up more. my stomach and throat hurts so bad but i'm probably gonna b/p again later. because thats all i wanna do. i might exercise at 2. i go to work at 4.

i don't give a fuck if i'm hurting myself. in fact i want to hurt myself. i'm gonna fast tomorrow. i'll be fine.

why am i so fucking sad? wtf? i just want to cut. i think danny would break up with me if i cut. isn't that kind of fucked up? he doesn't understand but i dont expect him too. he's a guy.

he thinks i don't have any reason to be upset and in reality i don't. its just the way i was born. i've always been unhappy technically. i was scared of everyone when i was younger and always shy. i never wanted to leave the house. I'm still like that. I feel like everyone is going to hurt me, not physically, just emotionally.

sometimes it makes me wonder if somthing happened in my childhood that i don't remember to why I've always been like that. idk. maybe it's cuz of my mom. always putting stuff in my head. idk.

i wasn't raped or molested. i was never abused. i should be happy. but I'm not. I'm fucking not.

i'm just a whiny little bitch bitching about stupid shit. cool i have an eating disorder. cool i'm fucked up in the head. lets throw a cry fest party for me. omg i'm fucking pathetic.

words can't describe how much i hate myself. fuck this shit.

school tomorrow

crying

actually im a little happy just because i know it will get me out of my b/p cycle because ill be more occupied through out my day.

i dont know if my medicine is giving me mood swings but ive been pissed the fuck off lately.

danny doesn't like my prom dress. he was being so mean about it i almost started crying.

wah. idk. life sucks. i just want to cut so badly. ugh. i just need to go to sleep and forget about everything. night.

take me awayyy.

so i havent wrote in awhile. idk i guess there hasn't been much to say.

i've been binging more which is not fun in the slightest. im getting big and i dont like it. i dont like me.

god i'm disgusting. just looking at me makes me want to throw up.

im on spring break so ive been home all the time which triggers me to binge.

i ditched my friends today for danny. i feel bad.

i kinda just wanna go away from everyone. just me and danny. i would be happy with that.

his ex girlfriend is trippin over him and saying shes gonna kill herself and stuff. wtf. i feel bad for the girl i guess.

i need sleep. i feel odd. im never actively suicidal ya know? the reaction just comes sometimes and it makes me think about it. like right now. but its been a long time since i really really wanted to die.

things wont change no matter how hard we try.

i binged today. wahh. i feel bloated.

i started my prozac yesterday but i fucking lost the bottle. what the flying fuckk?!

me and danny are good. not much to say there.

i'm tired. tomorrows are last day before spring break. thank god because i'm fucking sick of school.

i need to sleep. i need to catch up in school. i'm going early tomorrow to get help woohoo.

my eating disorder is probably the only thing bad about life right now. if that went away then i would be happy.

i could honestly just kill myself right now

i told my sister about me and danny having sex. she made me feel like such a bad person about it.

she made me kind of question myself and question my worth. it really makes me feel like a piece of a shit person.

danny could leave me. he really could. i gave him everything and he can justt go destroy that. he says he wont but he could change his mind. i can't do this. were gonna break up and how am i gonna deal with that? you know how fucked up i am already? i wouldnt know what to do. that is so scary.

i just wanna end life now. i dont wanna do it. i just can't. why did i fucking have sex with him? thats gonna fuck me up for good. im not strong enough to deal with that.

i'm having a panic attack and i want to cut badly. im also drunk and high. and im coming off my medicine. im a wreck right now. i need to sleep. hopefully i feel better in the morning..hopefully ill fall asleep quick so these thoughts stop.

i need a ciggarette and i need a good cry

why am I such a sad person?

whenever i get off the phone with danny im kinda like "now what" and just lay there and think about how much i hate life.

At least i didn't binge today. i almost did. i mean for god sakes we have fucking cookie dough. COOKIE DOUGH. wtf its like my mom wants me to binge.

and she bought hot pockets. i would eat like two boxes of those if i could.

i just need to lose weight. seriously. ugh.

theres such hell going on in my head and idk what to do with it anymore. it's a battle and i don't wanna do it anymore. you win eating disorder, you win. i lose. what the fuck do you want from me?

i have not had a binging streak like this in atleast a month.

4 fucking days of pure binging. this was the week where i really wanted too restrict because i go to the doctor on friday, and thats sort of like, an official way in for me. i 'm gonna fast for three days and work out. i'm gonna do it.

i feel so big it's disgusting. ive been lowering my medicine because i'm switching to prozac cuz it helps more with bulimia. it didn't really effect me until this week when i had to start taking only a half. now i've been feeling like crazy suicidal and sad.

friday can't come soon enough. i need my drugs. lol but seriously. the only reason why i'm actually sort of functioning is because i have danny. he makes me forget about things.

i wish i could just tell him everything. i don't think hell ever understand completely. i wish he would.

he's so great. i want to marry him someday. is that crazy?

i feel so big i could seriously cry. like it's like i'm getting bigger by the second.

fuck my eating disorder. fuck recovery also. fuck life. i just wish i didn't have to deal with it. just lay in bed with danny for the rest of my life. that's the kind of life i want to live. lol. but im serious.

i love sleeping and i love danny, those things combined=happiness.

i haven't wrote much this month.

sorry. I don't know. I've just been putting it off.

i stayed home from school because i fucking hate school.

i like danny but im scared he's gonna leave me one of these days.

doubting if i should tell him about my eating disorder. I'm gonna have to tell him one of these days.

i feel like he wont believe me. i think he thinks i don't have a reason to be upset with life.

i dont i guess. but just because i dont have a reason doesn't change the situation.

i think he knows though if he were to break up with me i would want to kill myself. i would. but i don't know if i actually would.

he pisses me off a lot. i'm too needy. i want him to just kiss my feet 24/7 and hes not gonna do that. i guess we need our space from each other.

im done trying with a lot of things. time for nap time. im getting so fat. ive binged for the last 3 days. im fasting tomorrow. deff. and wednesday im going to eat 300. and then thursday 500 and then friday 600 and saturday 800. yay.

nap time. bye.

wake me up from this dream.

me and danny kind of got in a fight today basically just because I'm crazy and I'm on my period. I don't wanna discuss it anymore.

hopefully he doesn't think any less of me because of it. I don't want him to think I'm to psycho for him to love me.

i think i do love him. im probably just infatuated with him but he's different than everyone else. I just don't ever want him to leave me.

I'm scared he's gonna leave me. fuck borderline personality disorder.

if he honestly knew how crazy I really was I doubt he would like me. lol. he knows some. like he knows i cut and i have depression and i go to counseling. i think he suspects some of my eating disorder but idk.

i'm hungry. I might go have a banana. idk. i've had like 450 today so i can afford to eat a banana.

i feel like cutting. i'm honestly scared danny is going to leave me even though I know he wont. ugh.

i just like him so much its nuts. he makes life suck a lot less and he makes me not want to kill myself all the time.

i still want too- yes. i do. i still think of suicide. not as often though. which is good. I'm making progress. I've gotten a lot better.

fuck my eating disorder. kbye.

i dont want to recover

i have to... i have to at least try. i can't just pretend recover.

it's just so fucking hard. i just cut because i couldn't purge or fast today because of my fucking parents.

i think i may have irritable bowel syndrome which can be caused by bulimia. so it really upset my parents so now theyre being all ape shit crazy and making me eat in front of them and not go upstairs to purge. there trying to act like i wanna be like this.

i wish motherfuckers would just leave me alone. i know they care i know but i dont want them too. i can do this by myself i don't need there help. i just want to be left alone. i wont eat. fine. fuck it. I have so much will power i don't need to binge and purge. ill go back to lying to them. ill put out dirty dishes so theyll think i ate. i'm gonna fast for three days. i need to cleanse myself.

i cut today. i don't wanna discuss it.

i told danny somewhat about my problems, just that i go to counseling and i take medicine for depression. he seemed to understand and said he went through that "stage" lol. i dont think i wanna tell him anything more.

another thing my moms trying to threaten me not to see him if i don't start eating better. fuck that bitch. ill do what the fuck i want.

i need to get to sleep. i went home from school yesterday because i had diareha, like the kind i get from laxatives. which is why i might i have IBS because it said to switch from being constipated to having diarrea. lol. my pooper is messed up.

oh well. fuck everything. only thing i need is danny. he's such a sweetie.

ohh jeez

I'm so fat. I just went on a two day binge spur. I'm fasting tomorrow.

I've gained a lot of control back in my eating disorder, really ever since i started dating danny things started to change. I don't know. I don't wanna eat when I'm with him. Like i do but i don't.

his ex girlfriend was really skinny which is a huge trigger for me. I feel like I need to be skinnier than her. I need to be prettier than her.

I think he still loves her. I think he wants me but he would go back to her if she really wanted him back.

I just really care about danny and I want him to be happy.

god I'm so freaking fat. I don't even wanna weigh myself. yuck. fasting tomorrow. yayz. me and my counselor talked about how going about eating, and we decided to just take it meal by meal. by not setting a calorie limit for the whole day, rather just for one meal. so just focus on one meal for the time and not focus on having a certain amount of calories.

it's like i want danny to know about all the things wrong with me, but I don't want to tell him. and I also don't want him to stop me.

i miss cutting. a lot.

i need to start reading again. sigh. I just want to get my life together. that's all.

i wonder if danny would still like me if he knew about how much of a nut job i really was. he has to some how suspect some of it. i mean come on, you can tell im a mess just by looking at me. and he's seen me naked, he's had to see all the scars on my legs, unless he's just stupid. lol.

idk. lifes not as bad with him i guess. i don't want a guy to make me happy but for the time being he keeps me living. maybe god does have a plan for me.

i want to die still. is that bad?

havent wrote in awhile

been kind of busy with danny and such.


.........we had sex. it just sort of happened. idk. i wanted it at the time but i wish we would of waited. oh well.

it hurt like a motherfuckker. seriously holy shit. he popped my cherry, yikes.

we did it again yesterday for the second real time and it hurt a little bit but when we kept going it felt better. idk.

i think hes mad at me cuz i smoke weed? get the fuck over it bro. seriously. last thing i need is another person trying to tell me what to do.

we tell each other we love each other....thats really weird isn't it? we've only dated for like two weeks. idk. i don't know if i exactly love him, but i'm certainly overwhelmed with feelings for him. like other guys have tried to talk to me and i just ignore them because i want to be with danny. idk why but i reallly do like him. it's weird. i hope nothing messes it up.

he keeps on asking me about my eating problems...and i go to therapy on wenesdays and he always wants to know where i go. he doesn't pester me about those things i guess like i do him. idk. i guess he allows me to have some sort of freedom which is good.

if he ever breaks up with me im pretty sure it's gonna be the last straw to totally breaking me. ill prob kill myself.

soooo

ive lost weight. yay.

debating if i should tell danny about my eating disorder. (dannys my boyfriend) i dont wanna scare him off, but it's gonna come up. hes been wanting to go out to eat and stuff and i dont. he asks me why i dont eat around him and honestly it's because i dont want too. it's weird because when I'm with him I don't get triggered to binge or eat really at all. I don't know if it's because I'm nervous to eat around him but idk. ill have to talk to my therapist about it.

so...me and him already kinda did stuff. i sort of gave him a handjob, it was a bad one lol. he fingered me and ate me out for a lil bit. idk. mostly we just kinda cuddled naked. I really like him and it's like so comfortable with him. i feel like so happy. I just always wanna be with him. He's so great. I know we wont have sex but I'm scared too. i'm pretty sure he's gonna take my virginity. I want him too. just not right now. at least 6 months. thats what my rules gonna be is 6 months.

sigh. i don't ever wanna have sex truthfully. i just want 43488394 cats for the rest of my life. k cool.

i have a boyfriend.

lol yay

im happy i guess.

I don't know i feel like im going to mess it up. lets hope i don't.

fasted today and 500 calories tomorrow. fun times.

don't have much else to say. so baii.

i can't do anything right

i make everyone upset, my parents, my friends, and any potential relationships i may have.

and I'm probably like 130 lbs which isn't even an exaggeration.

I'm cutting back my medicine because I'm going to switch to prozac because it's been said to help with bulimia.

ive been on zoloft for like 3 years now and now im getting off of it which is making me even more hormonal.

i've been ditching this super sweet guy for about a week now to hangout and to be honest i just dont wanna hangg out with him. I'm too fat and to sad. i just want to sleep.

i feel like crying cutting and purging. and most of all dying.

recovery

Eating 500-600 calories a day probably isn't recovering. but it's a start.

I'm not cutting cold turkey. I can't.

My goal is to eat breakfast lunch and dinner.

breakfast- milk to help the bones.

lunch- food with fiber in it.

dinner-salad.

I'm not going to let myself go lower than that.

and I'm trying my best not to binge or purge. two days so far, yay.

who the fuck am i

who was I ever
who have I become
I disgust myself
Im worthless.
I'm gross.
I'm ugly and fat and disgusting.

I don't want to live. I don't. I seriously just want to kill myself and pretend I never was alive.

how are people happy? I don't get it. I'm not. I'm a sad little girl. I'm only sixteen. But yet I know so much, I'm exposed to the cruel world. I know what others don't. I'm pitiful, waste of space, worse person ever. no one will ever love me. ever. why do people use me?

I have a guy that would treat me so good. But I don't like him. I'm trying to make myself like him and I'm just leading the boy on. I don't know what to do.

kill me. I don't want to deal with life.

I just want to die so badly right now

I didn't eat anything all day and my parents made me eat which made me binge.

they wouldn't let me go upstairs to purge.

i don't know what to do. I feel so upset. so worthless. I'm such a failure. I'm fat and disgusting and I'm going to gain so much weight.

I'm going to cut again tonight.

I want to die. I can't do this anymore! I have no strength to go on. I can't stop and I can't go on. what other options do I have?

I don't want to do anything. I want a snow day so badly tomorrow. I would be so happy. I don't want to go to school and act like I'm okay when I'm clearly not.

restricted all day

then i realized i went over my limit by 118 calories because i did the fucking math wrong.

so you know what i did? I binged. because 618 calories was too much for the day, so my all or nothing thinking tells me it's too late now might as well binge.

i was planning on having my binge day tomorrow but im prob gonna change that. idk. god i'm fat.

i hate the world. i hate everyone. i hate myself. i hate everyone for making me hate myself.

I just wish i could be a better person. I'm sick of hating myself. I don't even know what it feels like to like myself, because I don't think I ever have.

But then again I don't want to get better. I don't want to try to get better. If there was a simple button I could push that would make me happy and no eating disorder, i would push it. but theres not. it involves work. and I don't want to work at it. I don't want to go out of my comfort zone. maybe I need too......

I kinda just wanna give up on life.

I don't know...I'm sick of feeling never enough for anything.

I'm sick of caring what everyone has to say about me.

I'm sick of having no self esteem what so ever.

I'm sick of comparing myself to every fucking person.

I'm sick of debating whether I should eat or not, or binge or not.

I'm sick of putting on this fake smile.

I'm sick of letting every little thing bother me.

I'm sick of not being guys favorite.

I sick of me, and I'm sick of living.

I hate me. Oh my gosh I hate me. ugh. I hate living inside of this gross body. I'm so gross and I'm so awkward and I can't stand me.

I wish I was someone else.

I'm a lazy fat ugly stupid piece of shit.

I just want to die....

bingeing

sucks.

purging makes things better though.

it's like i have to purge no matter what i eat, my stomach can't take down food like it used to with out me wanting too throw up anyways.. is that bad?

i had to work today which i always get triggered to eat. so much food....

i get triggered by everything. i have no willpower it's disgusting.

I'm such a waste of person, a human being. I don't know what God was thinking when he made me. he shouldn't of ever made me. I suck as a person and I'm the most worthless person to ever set foot on the earth.

thats all.

why am I still up

it's almost 2:30 and I need to sleep. I have to be up in less than 5 hours.

looks like I'm gonna need a shit ton of caffeine tomorrow.

fasting tomorrow.

my stomach hurts from purging so much today.

oh well. i got my hair done. It doesn't look all that different but I like it. I got highlights and a couple inches cut off.

my life is such a mess, I wish someone could help me clean it up.

Dear monster.

(just to let everyone know, I don't personify my eating disorder and say things like Ana is my best friend, this is nothing like that. This is just describing the battle going on in my head."


The monster that lives in side of my head is the cruelest monster of them all.
He shows no mercy, just pain.
He feeds off my pain, my tears.
He wants to see me physically and mentally hurt.
He doesn't do me any good, for even I know that.
But, he lies and tells me that he can change my world.
He can make me happy, he can make me beautiful.
He'll show me how I can love myself.
But it comes with a price.
I have to give up food.
I'm not allowed to eat over the calorie limit he sets for me.
And if I just do that simple thing, he promises me I'll be lovely.
He swares to it.
That last for awhile, but he knows it won't last forever.
For he made this cycle, this cycle of madness, which doesn't lead me being happy for long.
I take one bite of a forbidden food.
The taste buds erupt in my mouth and I know there's no turning back.
I disobeyed the monster. But he knew I was going too. That was all part of his plan.
Because I'm really not dissapointing the monster, I'm dissapointing myself.

Dear monster, please let me be.
Please go away. Why must you make it so hard for me to turn my back on you?
You give me so many promises that you know I won't keep.
You're a liar. You make me die more and more each day.
You take every little moment of happiness i have and replace it with thoughts of numbers, calories, to binge or not to binge, the closest place I can purge at, what I'll eat today and the next day and the day after that, lies Ill tell my parents, lies I'll tell the world, just to make you happy.

Why can't I let you go? I don't know why I can't see through your lies. Your empty promises are just all fiction, but I refuse to believe it. I always think there some good left in you, and that you'll some day leave me beautiful, to make up for all the bad things you did. I'm just waiting for that day to come.

I'm afraid I'll die waiting.

i wanna cut

better yet i wanna die.

done eating.

i feel sick.

from purging so much.

I slept fourteen hours today yet I'm still so tired. It's hell.

I got down to like 118 but I binged for the past two days. wah. oh well.

I'm pretty excited about my next paycheck, Its gonna be over 100 dollars, which is good for me since I never work.

god I feel so sick. my head, stomach, everything.

dizzy...yuck

I need to clean my room but I don't want too. I need to take a shower but I don't feel like doing that either. i never feel like doing anything productive in my life which is why I probably have so many problems.

I wish I could be lovely. I don't know where I'm going with that one.

I'm going to a concert tomorrow. Hopefully where not going to eat before. if we are monday I'm just gonna fast. It'll be alright. I'll be able to bounce back. I'll prob be 23 at the highest. I'm just gonna go hardcore this next week. I'm not gonna let myself go over 500 calories till firday. plus hella exercise. it's going to be crazy and it's exactly the kind of self destruction I need. it sounds great.

I can't stop thinking about my ex from like three years ago. we talk a lot now at school and on fb and idk. It's not that I necessarily like him but I think he's such an amazing and funny guy. He's just awesome and I want him in my life, thats all.

I wish life was better. I want a new one. I'm sick of this one.

I'm sad today.

I've been very depressed today. Like I don't wanna leave my room depressed. lonely...

I wish someone would ask me whats wrong. I want to cut. I think I'm relapsing. sad part is I don't care.

I've changed my mind. I don't want to recover from my eating disorder. It's selfish but I want to hurt myself. I don't like me. I want to ruin me.

Like I said the honest to god scariest part is that I don't care. I'm starting not to care about anything. I'm just sorta...here.

Suicide....oh sweet suicide. How I long for you.

i want someone to want me. to call me pretty and tell me they love me. someone to accept me. I'm never going to find that.

I'm so worthless. worthless piece of shit. I'm so stupid. ugh. why am i still living.

lol at my life

yesterday i got my phone stolen

today i got my pe uniform stolen along with some other girls shoes that were in my pe locker that she was letting me borrow

but they were nice enough to leave my socks...

ive been forgetting things... i mean ive always been careless but its getting worse. my eating disorder......... i can't think about anything else. people tell me I need to concentrate more and stuff and not be so clumsy and stupid. i want too. but i can't clear my mind. i can't.

everything is so frizzle frazzled(thats not a word but whatever) i havent eaten anyday and I worked out hardcore for like two hours. i'm very dizzy. i feel like i could fall over if I'm acting a little loopy thats why.

i need to get my shit together. i was thinking about recovery yesterday with my counselor because i broke down. i rambled on and on about stupid shit that i just needed to get out. it would go off subject too. i would just go on and on and on. i get thats what you do at counseling. shes probably used to it.

i love my counselor. I seriously consider her a life savor.

i'm so out of it. i need to go take a shower but I'm afraid if i get up i'll just fall over. i want to go work out more.... i want to go eat the pizza downstairs but i wont. I'm too strong for that.

i hate everything in my life right now. i wish it would just all go away and leave me in peace.

make the pain stop.

bulimia

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

next week i guess im gonna start restricting again. ive been binging and purging so much im getting sick. bloods coming up everytime i purge. my stomach feels like its on fire half the time. my lips are always burning, my throats always burning. im sick.

i wanna sleep. please just let me sleep and never wake up. i don't wanna deal with the problems with life. i dont wanna deal with life. i want to be free from this madness. free from life. free from everything.

i wish someone understood what i was going through. i hate me. god i hate me. im so repulsive. and ugly. and fat. and stupid.

im not getting better, im getting worse. and next week i will be losing. not just weight, but myself. im going to be slowly letting go.

i will be pretty and perfect. all my strength will go into that. i wont be myself anymore. i dont care. i don't want me anymore. i wanna be the new and improved kaci. the kaci that guys want and girls are jealous over. im going to be freaking incredible.

i dont want to be this sad pathetic girl that eats too much then throws up. that is too scared to stand up for herself. that puts her head down when attractive people walk by so they wont judge how ugly she is. who has no confidence and people could just walk all over. im not going to be that girl anymore.

I'm going to have confidence. a reason to live. I'm going to be empty. diet cokes and smokes. 100 lbs and beautiful hair. tan skin. beautiful clothes. im gonna buy a bra that makes my boobs look big and then im going to do exercises that make my butt look firmer. I'm gonna have charm. I'm gonna walk with grace, i don't care what it takes.

i'll have the perfect body, the perfect mind, and the perfect soul.

fat ass.

mfoimrogjmdfg. i didn't eat lunch at school but i got home and binged.

3 DAY FAST. IM GOING TO DO THIS. I AM. I DON'T CARE HOW HARD IT WILL BE. IM GOING TO DO IT.

im like 126-127? idk i don't even wanna try to weigh myself. i don't deserve food. this is my punishment. not being able to eat. no food for me.

food doesn't control me. i'm stronger than it. i'm stronger than food. diet cokes and smokes. <3

I'm a prisoner in my own mind.

My eating disorder owns me. consumes me. gives me happiness. gives me pain. makes me cry. makes me hurt. makes me lie. sucks life out of me. leaves me emotionless. makes me selfish. makes me fat. makes me skinny. leaves me delusional. distorts my perception. makes me hate. makes me bitter. makes me trapped. only seeing darkness. no light at the end of the tunnel. just...darkness.

trapped. trapped. trapped. trapped inside my head. trapped with these thoughts. trapped.

leave me alone. let me live my life. i hate you.

i need you. you're the only thing that keeps me going... the only reason why I'm still here.

I hurt because of you. i hate you. i love you. i can't live without you, but I want too. i don't want you, but i can't let you.

sleepy

lol i've gained so much weight. i would of prob gained more but ive been purging

tomorrow im fasting. yep yep yep. so excited. f food its lame.

well not much new i guess. life is still well the same.

thats bout it

so yeah

happy new year errbodyy.

i binged today but fasting tomorrow. blechh i was freaking 116 this morning and ive prob gained like 943894893849 lbs since prob the only weight i lost was water weight from the laxatives i took.

ive been like puking in my mouth because i didn't get to purge. blech.

please don't eat tomorrow. please don't eat tomorrow. please don't eat tomorrow.

do you think it's true that guys like girls with confidence? idk i think thats bologna and it doesn't really make a difference. In my opinion i think if a girl is hot then a guy will like her, but then again idk a lot of beautiful girls that aren't confident, even though I'm sure there is some.

it's like i think if i were to be confident i would look stupid because i'm just another ugly girl that thinks shes hott. if others say it it must be true.

i hate how fucked up my mind is, oh how i wish i was normal. andd happy.