So tired, but can't sleep.

So I have gay ass finals tomorrow. I've been trying to study, but ehhh shit never really works out. I'm so dead tierd and I'm not sure why. I took a nap today so I dunno why. I really need to study. It's almost one a clock in the morning and the most I did for studying was two math problems.... Wow I fail, like seriously. I just am the biggest procrastinator. I need to quit that shit. It always ends up fucking me over not doing my work. I'm actually smart, but don't do shit in school. I miss the old me that actually cared about grades, now all I do is party and worry about how many calories are in certain things.

Ive hinged for like the last three days. I fucking fail dude. I never want to eat again. Ever. I just want to starve myself. I deserve it. I don't deserve to ever eat again. I just want to be skinny.

I took four of my moms aderal today and realized that it has a negative effect on me. I got very anxious and had a panic attacks. Yikesss.

I sucked carltons dick yesterday. I don't want to discuss that any further.

I hate me. I just wish I could die..... Ugh.

soyeah.

I lost my phone today. fuuuuck! I hate my life. well I'm grounded for a month for getting caught with alchool. sweet. not. my grades are poop so there pissed about that too. I go to therapy again tomorow at 5. I'm excited.
I'm sick of my freaking scars, I keep on picking the scabs and I need to just let them heal. blahz.

carlton... ugh. idk. idc either. I don't have my phone and hes probably blowing it up. oh wellz. idc. fuck it.

life is so overated. I've gained like fucking five pounds. fucking wow. 125 AGAIN. i ate 215 calorie today. almost binged on some pizza, but luckily i didn't.

wellll im out. ill write tomorow about my therapy session.

ventventventvent

Binged today. I ROCK. no. fuck.

I purged, like EVERYTHING though. legit first time I really got everything out though.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh fuck my life man.


I'm so fat. I wish these fuckings scars would go away. I keep on picking the ones with scabs, I really try not to but I can't help myself. 0.o Yeah I'm kinda strange. NBD.

Schools gonna be out soon. woohoo. I'm usually happier in summer. I have seasonal deffective disorder so thats why. but I'm never like you know, HAPPY. I'm just alright. I can breathe. but this summer might be differnt. I wasn't as obsessed with my weight last summer. being in a swim suit is gonna be rough.

apparently the world ends saturday, hopefully it does cuz I'd rather not live anymore.

havent wrote in six days, woaahh

well I haven't wrote for awhile cuz sad news, my computer broke! :( so ive been using my moms, which is kinda awkward since I get on prettythin prettyalone and this frequently. And I look up thinspo. so I'm constantly erasing history. lol. i miss my laptop!

Well I went to my first out patient last week on thursday. It was nice.

but I turned to my old ways, and went on a cutting binge for like 3 days. on my foot, legs, arms. yada yada yada. The ones on my legs are pretty bad, I think they needed stitches, and they all scabbed over. some of them are turning a yellowish color, is that bad? idk.

I feel so gross with all these cuts though I don't know why I do this shit. cutting is fucking dumb. but I love it, it's amazing. don't know why.

I'm 123 lbs. been doing alright... 200 calories today. been craving food more than I used too though. I need to look up some thinspo to help though cuz i just wannnna eaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat :(

but i cant, cuz then Ill get fatfatfatfatfatfat. fattttttttttttttttttttttttttt asss. I already am. goddd summers comming and I'm pale as fuck, fat with blubber and scars over every inch of my body. oh yeah Ima be lookin hot in my swim suit, nottttttttttttt. fuck.

ehh, well me and carlton have been texting on and off. don't know how I feel about it but I also don't care. yayz.

well im done, kkbaii.

four fucking pounds

I've gained fucking four pounds. WOW. 125. fuck. most of it might be water weight, but STILL. I've been on a fucked up cycle restrict/binge/restrict/binge. UGH. fuckk. 300 calories tomorow! yupyupyup. if I eat more literately I think i'm going to win the award for the biggest failure in the world.

I'm so tiredd. but I haven't written in awhile so I'll catch ya up on a few things.

-I had a long talk with my friends about just everything. They told me they think I do all this stuff for attention and I do this to myself, and I make myself feel the way I do. I just wish they really understood what I go through. This is exactly why I can't talk to them because they don't understand. And they just tell me that I need to start eating. I tell them it's not that easy and there like "yeah it is!" god I just wished they fucking understood. I tried to tell them what my mind thinks, but legit they just don't understand. and I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just not gonna talk about it with them anymore. shits none of their buisness anyways.

Carbon Monoxcide poisoning would be my choice way of suicide. Only thing is, one we don't put our cars in the garage and two, I don't drive. so wtf. I still have a long way of planning my suicide. I think the reason why I'm going to plan it for so long, is because maybe somewhere deep inside me I still have hope? Idk.

I'm going to the therapist on thursday. I'm excited.

well I'm leavingg, kk bye.

not dead. woot.

if I'm going to kill myself, I'm going to get a full proof plan and all of my necessities in order. I'm still working on all that. I'm just, impulsive I guess. I was going to write on here what all I wanted to get in order before I planned my suicide, but I figured that might be too shocking for all you too see.

My friends are like begging me to go to hooters with them. NO! seriously wtf! my one friend was like come on your scaring me blahhz. guess what cool! I'm not eating. I told her you want me to be in a good mood don't you? that's gonna make me in a bad mood for the rest of the night. I ate yesterday and I almost offed myself then and there. I want to have fun tonight. I want to drink and smoke and forget about life. With calories in my system that's not going to happen. so I guess this is them slowly realizing, without me exactly telling them "Oh shit, kaci's being for real. she has an eating disorder."

I'm fasting today. yay. I'll prob consume calories from alchool, but I figure that shouldn't be that big of a deal.
I'm not eating. there gonna try to force me but I'm not. it's done. fuck no.

I can't do this anymore.

I can't...I'm at my breaking point. This is all coming to an end.
words can't explain. Suicide is my last resort. the only option.
I've given up. I've lost all other options. there is no other options.
I don't know what else to say.

still hungry.

ate 370 calories today. 20 over, but what the fuck ever. I'm at a plateau at 121, and haven't been able to break it. my dad commented on my weight loss today. he told me "I don't want you becoming anorexic" blah stfu. lol.

carlton didn't text me last night, so I didn't get to have my "talk" with him. oh wells. He just texted me odd enough though. I don't know if I'm gonna talk to him about anything major though. blaah.

I feel so fat. Like inside of me, I feel like this huge girl. Ugh. I'm so fat! it's disgusting.

I've been more depressed today. I don't know why, the last couple of days weren't so bad. just today kinda blows.

I'm starving. but can't eat. cooool beans.

random shit on my mind.

I went to the counselor yesterday and got all my shit set up. next appointment is on may 12th. I guess I'm ready.


things I want to accomplish in therapy.

• I want to learn to be content.
• I want to be okay with myself.
• I want to not have so much anxiety.
• I want to stop cutting (maybe!)
• suicidal thoughts=no more.

things I don't know if I want to change.

• I'm not ready to let go of my ED. as much as I hate it.
• I'm not going to quit drinking and smoking.
• don't know about cutting.lol.
• Don't know if I'll stop "promiscuous" behavior.

She wanted me to go to inpatient treatment for cutting. I told her I didn't want too. Yeah I'm addicted to cutting. and I guess it would be great to "stop" but not yet. All my mom said about it was "you need to stop doing that" god she doesn't understand.

I fasted yesterday! oddly that was the first time I ever did. I was really proud of myself actually. I had 260 calories today, only supposed to have 250, but I had a Popsicle, I was really craving food, and It was only 15 calories and I was at 245 for the day.

I think I'm going to have a talk with carlton tonight. Just about some shit. this kid named casey told me that he said awhile ago he didn't like me anymore cuz I told people we were dating. I deff never said that. wow. I don't know how to bring that up though. I don't know what me and him are. he says he likes me, but I don't know if I believe him. he says he cant wait to be my boyfriend. I don't know dude! I know I'm going to do stuff with him<-------------cool I'm a slut! whoopdefuckingdo. I don't care. I couldn't give two shits about life, so lets fuck it up more. And Idk. I guess I'm just gonna try to talk to him tonight and I'll let you know how it went tomorow.

I'm still so fucking fatt :( goddamn. I hate this shit. I feel like a god damn umpa loompa. djnsdiunsdicsad. fuckk just kill me man. k im done. duecessss.

fat.

I'm so fat. That's the only thing that has been running through my head. You're so fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. fat. why can't I be skinny? I'm so disgustingly huge. I'm gross. I feel huge. Like a big balloon. I feel horrendously big. obese. fat asssssssss. fat fat. fat. fat fat. fat fatty mc fat fat fat fat fat fat fattttttty.

I'm a fucking fat ass fuck.