today sucks

fuck carlton. honestly fuck him, and fuck every boy out there.

he asked another girl to homcoming. sdifjidsf. whatever.

i dont give a fuck im done with him;. i have enough problems in my life i dont need a boy to make it worse. even though, i like having a guy to give me self esteem but its whatever

binged and purged today and yesterday. and i cut today

seriously FUCK TODAY

i was supposed to get my lisence that shit didnt happen either.

gawd fuck everything

&whenever I start to matter please let me know.

I've been better lately. not so down in the dumps. but right now, at this moment I feel like shit.

I've ate 500 calories today. yay

I just feel....worthless. like I'm just a big fat piece of nothing. I don't know. Like I'll never please anyone, esspecially not myself.

I want to feel loved. I want someone to tell me they love me and truly mean it. I wish I could be, pretty. be pretty and perfect.

sigh. I'm tierd. school tomorrow. fun. bye.

fat piece of shit.

binge binge binge binge binge

time for a new blog post

i was doing good today but then BAM parents came home with food and my fat ass binged and purged. my stomach hurts and my throat. i hate throwing up

im so sleepy, but im glad because it's 10:00 now and if i go to sleep now ill get like 8-9 hours of sleep! woot woot.

ive been better lately. raising my zoloft to 200 milgrams helped a lot. I feel better, not 100% but its progress.

I still feel shitty about myself. not necessarily suicidal though. i mean im always suicidal i guess you could say. if i could push a button to die or to live i would push to die. even when im happy im sad, does that make sense?

i wanna date carlton, but im not sure if he would wanna date me. its so awkward because we have health together so when the teacher talks about sex i cant help but blushing. teehee XD
i really do like him. i bet in a month though i wont. im so flippedy floppedy when it comes to guys.

babysitting tomorrow. getting money for cigs yayz only have three left wahhh

well i would write more but like I said I'm super tired. stay beautiful bitches. love you all.

recovery&shit.

if I don't start making some positive changes in my life then I'm going to end up killing myself, plain and simple.

2 fucking attempts in a week.

I already have my plan and shit, and if I get all the things I need for it then it should be full proof.

But, do I really want to die?
no, I don't, but I feel like it's my only option.

but, then, I could try to be happpy.

it's just...I don't know. I'm scared.

i guess thats it. I got a lot of thinking to do.

I'm dead on the inside.

And tonight it will be on the outside.
I'm ending it.
Thanks for everyone that loved and cared about me.
You all are great. Seriously.

i need to stop drinking

i get so depressed when I'm drunk. not like right away, but like after i leave the party and I'm back in this hell hole of a place.

I'm tired.

I wanna quit the dance team so bad. i fucking hate it.

I really like carlton. like a lot. i'm tripping! haha. i wanna date him. hes so nice. omggg. lol im geekin bro.

was doing good on the calorie limit until i got drunk and fucking bingedd sort of. pizza tacos and a cheeseburger. fatass.

i might be going to another party tomorrow so i'll prob fast all day then go and drink there.

goddd i hate life. everything about it. ugh.

restricting.

i had 255 calories today. not bad. I purged though, so dunno where that leaves me.

I'm so hungry though, and theres pizza and bread sticks downstairs that smell delicious. it's killing me not to go eat them.

i passed up pizza today to at my friends house. i can't believe how strong I've been.

tomorrow? well see. it's friday. I might be getting drunk before the football game so I'll prob be consuming calories there.

No idea what my weight is. after my laxatives passed today I was like 120, dunno if I'm still there, will find out tomorrow.

I was in a dead spell for awhile. literately like a walking zombie. I was so suicidal I literately tried to end it. I've been just so done with my parents and everything. and I'm just, sick.

Today has been better though. My therapist is putting me in this more intense therapy thing, where people come and check up on me everyday. I dunno, I guess it's something.

so lets talk boyz.
carlton is in my health class. yayz. haha. I stopped liking him for so long but now I do again. I dunno he gives me those butterflies. I don't know if it will forreal go any where. but you never know I guess.

charles. nfdicdivuduvjfudjgiudghiudfghiufdhsiudghiufgh. he such a fucking perve. if he wasn't such a creep I prob wouldn't ignore his texts. he's so creepy. and hes in my english class and my spanish. wtfz. he keeps poking me on fb and texting me. i feel bad not texting him back so i do. and i always end up talking sexual with him even though I don't want to. I would like him if he changed a lot of things about himself. and I don't wanna get wrapped up with his ex girlfriend drama. he loves her, I dont wanna deal with it.

so thats that. Gonna go comment in some blogs. see ya.

is this a joke

my parents blocked thin and prettythin on my computer. please tell me this is a joke.

oh well. i can still get on from my phone. dumb bitches.

actually, nevermind. i bet it was my brother. control freak son of a bitch.

god, the nerve? those sites aren't pro-ana. or triggering. if anything thin makes me lead towards recovery.

first day of school tomorrow. woohoo.

except I'm 124. not woohoo. fasting tomorrow.

I want this school year to be good. I'm a sophmore now. I want to be beautiful. I can do it, I know I can.

110 lbs by october 1st. (homecoming)

lets rock this shit.

im a fat fucking piece of shit

and I just wanna die.


But hey, i like a boy, and he likes me.
his friend told him not to date me and he was fucking up because I'm a grenade. (if you dont watch jersey shore, which i dont but I know what that means, it means an ugly chick)

i wanna cut.

i binged all day. im fasting tomorrow, if it fucking kills me.

random gibberish.

I'm sleeping on my floor tonight because were painting my room so we had to move everything out. it's gonna be pink :) ill take pics when its all done.

I gave my dad a hug today, and I just started balling my eyes out. I'm not sure why, I guess it was just everything built up inside me. I was embaressed, because I'm never really open with my dad. but eh, I needed the cry.

I've ate 150 calories today. If I'm not atleast 119 tomorrow I'm deff fasting.

I would like to lose 7 pounds by next week. crazy? probably. I start school the 17th and I want to be 113 putting me at a bmi of exactly 20.0. I feel like that would be a good way to start.

hopefully it's not to noticeable though that I lost that amount of weight in such a short time. my parents would kill me.

this one guy wont leave me alone. hes been texting me a lot and I always end up eventrully texting back. i dont like texting him because he always texts dirty and I always feel like I have to too. I sent him pics, you know the bad kind. I've done it before, so why would I say no this time? hes been blowing up my phone and I just haven't been texting back. thats how I solve the problem, by just not dealing with it.

I'm scared to tell guys no. thats why I try to not put myself in those situations when it's hard for me to say no. I haven't had sex. and I don't want too. it's going to hurt like a bitch, I'm too scared.

No guys would actually like me for me. I mean I guess it's highschool but all the dudes that I ever talk to all they talk about it doing things. I guess its because everyone knows me at school as the girl that can give two hour head. aoskdosdjsd.

the reason why I did that? because I can't say no. I didn't wanna be like "okay I'm stopping now" I'm to scared... I'm scared he wont like me anymore.

I crave attention so bad it's sickening. I've done some really mest up stuff for just someone to call me pretty.

I'm hungry, but I don't deserve to eat. I need to be so skinny and just shrivel up and die. but I'll always be a fat ass so I doubt thats gonna happen.

justkidding i binged

I hate everything.

I seriously can not do this anymore. I just can't. I've given up. I'm done fighting. I have no strength left to fight. I can't. I really can't. I just, can't.

I have no will in me to fight. I just don't. theres 0 life in me. I took a cold shower and now my buzz has wore off and I'm just fucking depressed. I can't do it.

One more day. I'm giving myself one more day. well see how tomorrow goes. that's pushing it too.

i'm ending it soon. I have too. Carbon monoxicde poisoning? I guess I have to somehow figure out how to get the car in the garage, because we don't put our cars in there.

I wonder how many balloons it would take to kill me from the helium. googling that.

I don't wanna die with pain, but it comes to that, then so be it. I have to die.... I'm sorry. I am.

one more day. I'm barely hanging on, but I'll hang on for one more day. just one. and if things are still shit, then I'm done.

IM DRUNK.

cool beans.


Why do I hate myself so much? I had about 560 calories today thats good right? and 200 in alchool which i purged. why do I still feel like a failure?

I just I dont know, I don't like myself. I'm a freeak. I don't know why people like me. they're trippin. I suck. honestly.

i can't do anYTHING right and I'm fucking ugly. so, lose.

how do I start liking myselff? because I hate me. I don't know why, I ust can't satand me

p.s im naked. get turnedd on ;) JUSTKIDIDN. im fat ou wouldn't wanna see me nakedd....

well my life sucks.

parents found my blog. read everything. holy shitakee mushrooms.

i hate them so much. they can blow me.

so they know everything now.

f.m.l.

why I'm like this.

I was bullied. constantly. I was friends with all the popular girls. I had a good personality. but I was fucking ugly.


I was tourmented. teased. everything.

I know I'm hideous because I can't get a boyfriend. I can't get a guy to like me.

I'm sixteen and have had four boyfriends. only one lasting longer than two months.
all which would of dated anyone.
I'm not fucking special.
I'm not pretty.

theres no way to sugar coat it. you can sit here and tell me I'm not ugly.

why would I get called ugly and fat all the time?
why would no guy ever like me?



no not because there jealous. NO. thats bullshit. don't fucking tell me that.


you wanna know why I have such a low opinion of myself? BECAUSE EVERY FUCKING OTHER PERSON HAS A LOW ONE OF ME. SO WHY SHOULD I LIKE MYSELF? WHY SHOULD I JUST BE ANOTHER FUCKING FAT UGLY GIRL THAT THINKS SHES PRETTY?


Fuck recovery. fuck it. I'll starve till I die. Fuck being happy. It wont work for me. I deserve to be depressed. I deserve to die.


you can not lie to me any longer.

hungoverasfuck.

i hate alchool. captain morgan. blech. puked all last night and all this morning. im such a sloppy drunk, i can never hold in my alchool.

binged all day today. considering taking some laxatives, but you know I'm trying the whole recovery thing. Maybe I'll just try to sleep it off. I'm hungover as fuck, I have an exscuse to be lazy.

it's so fucking hot. fuck summer.

honestly, I feel sick as fuck. I'm considering never drinking again. It's like when I drink, I never know when to stop. I chugged like half a bottle of captain morgan. and I take anti depressants, which make me lightweight as fuck. honestly me+drinking= bad news bears.

i just wanna sleep and never wake up.

i keep on thinking about how fat I am right now. I feel huge, big and ugly. ew.

well. sleep time. baii.

2nd day into recovering.

So, I'm trying recovery. I had a mini binge last night, I didn't purge though,even though how much i wanted to. I could feel it in my throat, it's like my body knew it was time to purge. But I didn't. I've been trying to eat a healthy 1200 calories, today I've had 950 and it's almost 7:00 at night so I've done pretty far. I swam for about 20 minutes today and burned 167 calories. I'm going to my friends house and that's were I usually binge at because she has such yummy food. I might eat something small, but I'm not gonna binge. I'm not gonna smoke because I have a drug test on the 12th. So atleast I won't have the munchies.

But, I did End up weighing myself. 124. I almost cried. It kinda set me back, and made me not want to recover after all. I wish I could just fucking smash the shit. I'm not gonna weigh myself, but I might restrict tomorrow to 800 :/ idk. It's just bothering me.

My ex boyfriend just commented on my fb status? Shhwhat?

K I'm Peacin. Byes.