Friday, December 30, 2011

i wish i had the stength

to recover from my eating disorder. i hate it. i don't even like going out anymore. it's ruining my relationships with other people and making me very closed off.

id rather just lay in bed and starve or just binge and purge all day.

and that is scary.

it runs my life. i definitely understand why people personify there disorder. it really is like someone else living inside you, telling you what to, controlling every thing you do.


i hate it so much but i can't let it go. i want to recover. i can't. it's like i get mad at myself when i say that. isn't that sad?

i havent cut in 40 days. yayyy.

im too lazy to get my kindle from downstairs so im just gonna read on my iphone. its not the same though as my kindle fire. haha.

i just wish i could be a normal teenager and not have so many problems. i just want to be happy.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

all i want to do is sleep.

my stomach hurts. it can't take in big meals without me purging anymore. i had two slices of pizza and some some chocolate and could purge it but now my stomach is hurting like a fucking bitch. i feel so sick. i just wanna go to sleep.

i have to clean. im always cleaning. i hate it. i just wanna lay in my snuggie with my kindle and never leave my room. i wouldnt have to deal with food, my family, friends, or even worrying about what i looked like. i could just stay in my room forever....

Sunday, December 25, 2011

merry christmas everyone.

so I got a lot of good gifts. vans, toms, kindle, northface, curling iron, and 100 dolla from my gramps.

dad took my cigs again because my douche of a brother gave them to him.

i had a good christmas i suppose. I've gained which is shit because I got down to like 116. Tomorrow I'm going shopping which will burn hella calories and also I'm going to restrict.

I'm very sleepy. I'm not happy either, I'm never happy though.

I hate being like this all the time, I just want for once to be happy. but my eating disorder takes that away from me....

i've been thinking about recovery but I'm just still in denial and I just wouldnt know where to start. it's so messy I don't even wanna deal with it. change is scary. I just can't.

Friday, December 23, 2011

oh my god.

I wish my mom would stop crying. she needs to go to counseling. I'm sick of seeing her like this all the time. at least I'm trying to get better.

shes such a child. she makes me bitter. shes supposed to be a mom.

i binged yesterday so i took laxatives. I was down to like 117. fasting today

im scared for christmas eve and christmas. theres gonna be so much food and I'm gonna be compelled to eat. im gonna lose all my progress.

ugh. fuck holidays.

Monday, December 19, 2011

omg.

just stepped on the scale... i wish i didn't. 129.

129. 129. 129.



WHAT THE FUCK.

i can't stop binging. i've lost all control.
i was 121 yesterday. 8 fucking pounds?

I'm not eating tomorrow. I have a party in my first hour and I'm supposed to bring in doughnuts, so I'm gonna bring some but I'm only gonna have like two. there gonna be those doughnuts holes which are like no more than 50 cals. so 100 calories at the most tomorrow.

and I have dance for two hours. then I'm going to workout again when i get home.

i don't have to worry about lunch because i have finals.

i'm going to fucking fail chemistry.

i used to be so smart. my depression has robbed me from that.

i just hate everything. esspecially me.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

I'm so fat.

fucking binged. story of my life.

fat isn't just how I look, it's how I feel. it consumes me. It's disgusting.

when my eating disorder first started, it was more about me wanting to get skinny. now it's only about 25% about that. the rest is control. to feel like i can do something right.


so when I binge, it's like, i lost all my control. it's the worst feeling ever.

I don't want to eat anymore.

I told my mom more about my ed. stupid mistake.

i don't deserve to get better. I'm not sick enough. 


kill me now before this kills me


you wont die because you'll just end up bingeing.

i hate these voices in my head. they wont stop. it's a constant battle. fuck.

what the fuck happened to me?
what was i getting myself in too?

I should of known. I knew that I was walking with the devil. I didn't care, I just wanted to be skinny. I wanted something to go right.

and it was easy at first, I felt fine not eating, and the pounds dropped so fast.

then----the binging started.
i didn't ask for that, but it comes a long with it.

i've been at 120-125 for the past six months. just yo-yoing. restricting/bingeing/restricting/bingeing/purging/laxatives/fast/binge/fast/binge

it's a never ending cycle. please make it stop.

Monday, December 12, 2011

I don't know whens the last time I've been happy. I'm sitting here crying and I don't know what else to do. If I talk to my mom she'll just try to throw some more pills at me then will breathe down my neck 24/7. my friends don't understand. no one understands except my therapist but I only see her once a week. I need cigs but my dad fucking took them.

I want to die. so bad. I can't do it around the holidays because thats just bogus. I just don't wanna be here. I want to kill myself. I hate living and I hate everyone. I just need someone to listen. I just need someone.

ugh. I think I'm going to kill myself after christmas if things don't get better..I don't want to die I just want things to get better. but nothings getting better. everything is going to shit. I'm a fucking ball of crazy and I don't want to live anymore.

fuck everything. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

Monday, December 5, 2011

i am stronger

im stronger than a binge. I'm stronger than the cookies down stairs. I'm stronger than food. food does not control me, I control it.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

oh so sleepy....but not really.

I'm always tired but can't sleep. am i spelling tired right? i always feel like i spell it wrong. I'm not the best speller. like is it tiered or tired? #confusion

so I'm fat but hey whats new. sunday I'm gonna go back to my original plan of fasting-200-400-600-800-1000-binge. i know i can do it.

AND EXERCISE. boo yah. I need to make realistic goals because me going on a run every morning is not realistic because I'm lazy as fuck. so what the new plan is;

100 cal workout for warm up!
-40 jumping jacks
-30 sit ups
-20 squats
-10 push ups

then, I'm gonna go on a walk for an hour which burns 247 calories if i walk 3 miles per hour, which i figure i do. i think, lets hope. ill just power walk.

then when I come back, I'll do the 100 cal workout for cool down
-40 jumping jacks
-30 sit ups
-20 squats
-10 pushups.

I'll be doing this sunday monday and Wednesday. on tuesdays and thursdays I have dance for like two and a half hours which is a workout by itself. and friday and saturday I already know I wont do it because it's the weekend. trying to be realistic.

so, my food plan.

Sunday-fast.
Monday-200 calories.
Breakfast-apple-60 calories
lunch-apple-60 calories
dinner-apple 60 calories.
plus diet soda and gum through out the day which I'm gonna round to 20 calories
Tuesday-400 calories.
Breakfast-apple-60
Lunch-pretzels-110
dinner- lean casine under 230 calories
Wednesday-600 calories
breakfast-orange-80 calories
lunch-baked flamin hot cheetoes-200 calories
dinner-lean casine under 320 calories
Thursday-800 calories
breakfast-orange-80 calories
lunch-pretzels and chocolate rice krispy treat-280
snack-apple-60 cal
dinner-lean casine- under 380 calories
friday-1000 calories
breakfast-apple-60 cal
lunch-flamin hot cheetos baked and granola bar-300 calorie
rest of the night may vary. you will prob be drinking so count calories.
saturday-binge day, but must purge and/or take laxies.
****any day you mess up, you must fast the next day. if you mess up two days in a row, you must fast for two days in a row, and so on.

also I'll be taking diet pills.


NO MORE EXCUSES. I WILL BE 110 LBS BY JANUARY 1ST. lets rock this shit! I know i can do it. (: