I have never hated anyone as much as I hate myself.

I've gotten down to 121... one pound away from my first goal weight, but not anywhere near where I wanna stay. You think I would be happy, but I still just look at myself as fucking fat. I'm so repulsive.

Me and carlton are talking..... and were going to do stuff in like 2 weeks most likely. but he wants to go on an actual date though, but yet he still wants to hook up with me.

why didn't I just tell him in the beginning that we shouldn't do stuff...sigh.

he asked me today "when were gonna smash" and I said not anytime soon. so i guess you could say I'm a whore who doesn't have sex. as awkward as that sounds.

I've always been a sexual person. I don't feel uncomfortable talking about sexual things. so maybe me doing stuff is not as bad. I do like doing things. I will admit though, after an hour sucking dick does get old and my mouth starts to get sore, but whatever. idk. shits fucked up.

I'm in a constant battle with suicide. the thought never leaves my head, as much as I try to make it leave.
counseling starts monday, what joy.

justkillme.

If only I could die. If only.

If only shit was that fucking easy.

I can't even put into words how much I hate my life.

I'll never be happy.

I'm on the brisk of just not caring about anyone else but myself.

and just doing it. just killing myself. it's the only way out.

fuckfuckfuck.

blahhh fuck everything. I was only supposed to have 50 calories today and guess what, I end up going to panera with my friends, and getting a sandwich chips AND A COOKIE. god I'm a fucking fat ass faliure. Like wtf? I've been doing the abc diet and have been failing miserbly. God I'm a waste of air. I hate myself. I'm so fat.

fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.fat.

I just want to die. thats all I want to do. ever since I ate today, the only thought that has been in my head is "You should kill yourself. seriously. you're gross."

No one will ever love me. No guy will ever want to be with me, they'll only want me to give them head, since the whole school heard about how good I am at it. I hate that. Why am I such a fat slut? I want to die. I don't want to live. I hate living like this. I'm pathetic and nasty. I can't even cut myself tonight because, A. my legs are already fucked up as it is, and B. I have dance on thursday when I'm going to be wearing tights, and I don't want to add to the collection of craziness thats already is gonn be seen on my legs. I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do in the summer. I need to find a new place to cut.


I hate that I'm fat and ugly. I'm disgusting. I'm hideous, I hate everything about me. No guy ever even takes a glance in my direction. Please, God, just kill me. I'd rather be in hell then this place I'm in now. I'll never be happy. what the fuck is happiness anyways?

I'm so fucking fat.
I look deformed.
I'm nasty.
I'm a slut.
I'm just a failure.
A waste of a human being.
worthless.

same shit differnt day.

well didn't end up going to the appointment today, I'm going next monday I suppose. oh wells. I'm starving. I've ate 100 calories today, and tomorow I can only have 50. yikes. whatevers. I had dance practice today and a lot of the girls there complimented me on how much I've lost. It made me feel good. I don't know what to say to them when they ask "How did you lose it all?"  lol. What if I was just like "Oh you know, restricting like crazy, rarely eating over 500 calories, and then once in awhile I purge. nbd." lmfao. you know how shocked they would be? haha. I love to shock people. Those girls are all super skinny. I guess it's some good thinspration. Carlton has been texting me a lot more lately, you know that one guy I hooked up with and the whole school found out? lol. I don't know, it seemed like he just hit and quit and that was that. so I was just like you know whatever, im gonna play hard to get. so i did, and wahh la hes texting me again. I like him, but he's black, and you know people judge. whatever. I don't wanna do anything with him again though. idk. at least not for awhile, I have a whole bunch of cuts on my legs, he might think I'm kinda odd if he goes down on me 0.o. lol. I guess I'm in a okay mood today. I'm just really hungry, I'm trying to stay busy though and not think of food too much. And I haven't been. I guess I'm learning to embrace my hunger, as fucked up as that sounds. blah, fuck e.d's, this shit is taking over my life. But I'm still fat, so I can't "recover" what ever the hell that means. well, I'm done here, maybe I'll write tomorow? who knows, I need to start writing more. see ya!

tomorow

Tomorrow I will be going to an appointment to get set up with a counselor.

well, hopefullly.

you see, I'm going to the community counsling place, where they charge you on how much you make.

well since my parents are poor as hell, this place seemed perfect for us.

except we had to have our taxes done to prove how poor we are

so we have been working on it, and they should be done tomorow.

my mom is calling them at eight thirty to see.

hopefully they are, cuz i really do need to see a therapist.

I have a lot else to say. but I'm pretty tired. gonna hit the hay. see ya.

random thoughts.

I think my life would make a good movie. People would pay to watch me cry, to watch me suffer. To watch me die slowly.
People love seeing other people in pain.
and then at the end, they love to see them rise up from their pain.
but, I don't know if my ending will be like that.

I've ate too much today. I went to hooters with my friends. I told them about me cutting, they didn't really understand, they thought I was stupid. They think the solution is just to spend time with them. I mean I guess that works for awhile, but not all the time. I just wish I could die.

That's a bold statement, isn't it? I wish I could die. People don't go around saying that often. People keep it inside. What if it wasn't though? What if saying that was just whatever? Like when people ask you how you're doing you reply, "I wish I could die" Wow, that would be a shocker to most.

Maybe I'll start doing that, just to freak people out. let them take a ride with the crazy phyco suicidal girl I really am. The dark twisted girl that is inside me.

more thinspo! :)

yeahyeah.

I'm the new slut of my school I guess. So I've kinda liked this guy, but it has been like on the down low, well because, he's black. On our first date, if you even wanna call it that, we did stuff. I gave him head and he ate me out, whatever. I didn't have sex. Well i told some of my friends, and he told some of his. so someone had to tell someone. and now the whole fucking school is talking about me. god, i hate everything. legit, was going to kill myself today. ended up falling asleep instead, but today I legit had in my mind that today was my last day. I was killing myself. but it didn't end up like that, my friends came to my house surprisingly when I was sleeping and woke me up, taking me with them to go get high. whatever, made me feel better, but then again worse. I haven't ate anything today accept for like 4 slices of pineapple, which I just ate to make my mom not think shit. ugh, still stuck at 129. fuck. life. why can't I just die? seriously. this is not good. I need to die.

oddly, I find this amazing. intriging.

http://www.salon.com/health/feature/2000/01/27/anorexia


basically a girl who can control her ED, if you even wanna call it that. I admire her, truly <3

fuck today

You know those days, when nothing makes you smile? when life just fucking sucks for no god damn reason? Yeah thats today.

fuck school. fuck life. fuck everything. What is happiness? I don't believe in happiness. there must be no such thing. I must be skinny. I must be pretty. I must be perfect.

why do you hate me god? sorry I haven't been so good to you. sorry I'm not a perfect saint. But there are so many girls out there that are worse than me and yet there beautiful/

Dont fucking lie to me and tell me looks aren't anything. LOOKS ARE EVERYTHING.  FUCK BEAUTY ON THE INSIDE. NO ONES GONNA WANNA KNOW YOU IF YOU'RE UGLY.

i hate everyone. people suck.

dear first love;
remember how you were embaressed to talk to me? remember how you would tell me you would always loved me, but told me not to tell anyone.

remember how you would tell all your friends that I was on your dick and i was an ugly fat bitch?

remember how you would use me, over and over and over again.

dear mom;

remember how you would tell me you would pay me money to loose weight?
remember how if I tried to go somewhere without make up on you wouldn't let me go?
remember how I would tell you I was ugly and your solution was to go shopping.

dear everyone that has hurt me.

fuck you. Thank you for infroming me that I'm the most hideous girl at the school. Thanks for informing me that I'm desperate. Thank you for informing me that no one likes me. Thank you for informing me that I need to loose weight. Thank you for informing me thatt all my friends are prettier than me. Thank you for informing me that I wear to much make up. Thank you for informing me that I need to wear more makeup to cover my ugly face. Thank you for informing me of my pastyness. Thank you for informing me of the acne on my face. Thank you for informing me that I shouldn't eat that. Thank you for informing me that I should eat more. Thank you for informing me that I'm not a good dancer. Thank you for informing me that I'm a freak because I cut myself. Thank you of informing me of how much of a freak I really am.

thank you for informing me of what I already know.