i wanna cut

better yet i wanna die.

done eating.

i feel sick.

from purging so much.

I slept fourteen hours today yet I'm still so tired. It's hell.

I got down to like 118 but I binged for the past two days. wah. oh well.

I'm pretty excited about my next paycheck, Its gonna be over 100 dollars, which is good for me since I never work.

god I feel so sick. my head, stomach, everything.

dizzy...yuck

I need to clean my room but I don't want too. I need to take a shower but I don't feel like doing that either. i never feel like doing anything productive in my life which is why I probably have so many problems.

I wish I could be lovely. I don't know where I'm going with that one.

I'm going to a concert tomorrow. Hopefully where not going to eat before. if we are monday I'm just gonna fast. It'll be alright. I'll be able to bounce back. I'll prob be 23 at the highest. I'm just gonna go hardcore this next week. I'm not gonna let myself go over 500 calories till firday. plus hella exercise. it's going to be crazy and it's exactly the kind of self destruction I need. it sounds great.

I can't stop thinking about my ex from like three years ago. we talk a lot now at school and on fb and idk. It's not that I necessarily like him but I think he's such an amazing and funny guy. He's just awesome and I want him in my life, thats all.

I wish life was better. I want a new one. I'm sick of this one.

I'm sad today.

I've been very depressed today. Like I don't wanna leave my room depressed. lonely...

I wish someone would ask me whats wrong. I want to cut. I think I'm relapsing. sad part is I don't care.

I've changed my mind. I don't want to recover from my eating disorder. It's selfish but I want to hurt myself. I don't like me. I want to ruin me.

Like I said the honest to god scariest part is that I don't care. I'm starting not to care about anything. I'm just sorta...here.

Suicide....oh sweet suicide. How I long for you.

i want someone to want me. to call me pretty and tell me they love me. someone to accept me. I'm never going to find that.

I'm so worthless. worthless piece of shit. I'm so stupid. ugh. why am i still living.

lol at my life

yesterday i got my phone stolen

today i got my pe uniform stolen along with some other girls shoes that were in my pe locker that she was letting me borrow

but they were nice enough to leave my socks...

ive been forgetting things... i mean ive always been careless but its getting worse. my eating disorder......... i can't think about anything else. people tell me I need to concentrate more and stuff and not be so clumsy and stupid. i want too. but i can't clear my mind. i can't.

everything is so frizzle frazzled(thats not a word but whatever) i havent eaten anyday and I worked out hardcore for like two hours. i'm very dizzy. i feel like i could fall over if I'm acting a little loopy thats why.

i need to get my shit together. i was thinking about recovery yesterday with my counselor because i broke down. i rambled on and on about stupid shit that i just needed to get out. it would go off subject too. i would just go on and on and on. i get thats what you do at counseling. shes probably used to it.

i love my counselor. I seriously consider her a life savor.

i'm so out of it. i need to go take a shower but I'm afraid if i get up i'll just fall over. i want to go work out more.... i want to go eat the pizza downstairs but i wont. I'm too strong for that.

i hate everything in my life right now. i wish it would just all go away and leave me in peace.

make the pain stop.

bulimia

fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.

next week i guess im gonna start restricting again. ive been binging and purging so much im getting sick. bloods coming up everytime i purge. my stomach feels like its on fire half the time. my lips are always burning, my throats always burning. im sick.

i wanna sleep. please just let me sleep and never wake up. i don't wanna deal with the problems with life. i dont wanna deal with life. i want to be free from this madness. free from life. free from everything.

i wish someone understood what i was going through. i hate me. god i hate me. im so repulsive. and ugly. and fat. and stupid.

im not getting better, im getting worse. and next week i will be losing. not just weight, but myself. im going to be slowly letting go.

i will be pretty and perfect. all my strength will go into that. i wont be myself anymore. i dont care. i don't want me anymore. i wanna be the new and improved kaci. the kaci that guys want and girls are jealous over. im going to be freaking incredible.

i dont want to be this sad pathetic girl that eats too much then throws up. that is too scared to stand up for herself. that puts her head down when attractive people walk by so they wont judge how ugly she is. who has no confidence and people could just walk all over. im not going to be that girl anymore.

I'm going to have confidence. a reason to live. I'm going to be empty. diet cokes and smokes. 100 lbs and beautiful hair. tan skin. beautiful clothes. im gonna buy a bra that makes my boobs look big and then im going to do exercises that make my butt look firmer. I'm gonna have charm. I'm gonna walk with grace, i don't care what it takes.

i'll have the perfect body, the perfect mind, and the perfect soul.

fat ass.

mfoimrogjmdfg. i didn't eat lunch at school but i got home and binged.

3 DAY FAST. IM GOING TO DO THIS. I AM. I DON'T CARE HOW HARD IT WILL BE. IM GOING TO DO IT.

im like 126-127? idk i don't even wanna try to weigh myself. i don't deserve food. this is my punishment. not being able to eat. no food for me.

food doesn't control me. i'm stronger than it. i'm stronger than food. diet cokes and smokes. <3

I'm a prisoner in my own mind.

My eating disorder owns me. consumes me. gives me happiness. gives me pain. makes me cry. makes me hurt. makes me lie. sucks life out of me. leaves me emotionless. makes me selfish. makes me fat. makes me skinny. leaves me delusional. distorts my perception. makes me hate. makes me bitter. makes me trapped. only seeing darkness. no light at the end of the tunnel. just...darkness.

trapped. trapped. trapped. trapped inside my head. trapped with these thoughts. trapped.

leave me alone. let me live my life. i hate you.

i need you. you're the only thing that keeps me going... the only reason why I'm still here.

I hurt because of you. i hate you. i love you. i can't live without you, but I want too. i don't want you, but i can't let you.

sleepy

lol i've gained so much weight. i would of prob gained more but ive been purging

tomorrow im fasting. yep yep yep. so excited. f food its lame.

well not much new i guess. life is still well the same.

thats bout it

so yeah

happy new year errbodyy.

i binged today but fasting tomorrow. blechh i was freaking 116 this morning and ive prob gained like 943894893849 lbs since prob the only weight i lost was water weight from the laxatives i took.

ive been like puking in my mouth because i didn't get to purge. blech.

please don't eat tomorrow. please don't eat tomorrow. please don't eat tomorrow.

do you think it's true that guys like girls with confidence? idk i think thats bologna and it doesn't really make a difference. In my opinion i think if a girl is hot then a guy will like her, but then again idk a lot of beautiful girls that aren't confident, even though I'm sure there is some.

it's like i think if i were to be confident i would look stupid because i'm just another ugly girl that thinks shes hott. if others say it it must be true.

i hate how fucked up my mind is, oh how i wish i was normal. andd happy.