fuck you. fuck you. fuck you.
next week i guess im gonna start restricting again. ive been binging and purging so much im getting sick. bloods coming up everytime i purge. my stomach feels like its on fire half the time. my lips are always burning, my throats always burning. im sick.
i wanna sleep. please just let me sleep and never wake up. i don't wanna deal with the problems with life. i dont wanna deal with life. i want to be free from this madness. free from life. free from everything.
i wish someone understood what i was going through. i hate me. god i hate me. im so repulsive. and ugly. and fat. and stupid.
im not getting better, im getting worse. and next week i will be losing. not just weight, but myself. im going to be slowly letting go.
i will be pretty and perfect. all my strength will go into that. i wont be myself anymore. i dont care. i don't want me anymore. i wanna be the new and improved kaci. the kaci that guys want and girls are jealous over. im going to be freaking incredible.
i dont want to be this sad pathetic girl that eats too much then throws up. that is too scared to stand up for herself. that puts her head down when attractive people walk by so they wont judge how ugly she is. who has no confidence and people could just walk all over. im not going to be that girl anymore.
I'm going to have confidence. a reason to live. I'm going to be empty. diet cokes and smokes. 100 lbs and beautiful hair. tan skin. beautiful clothes. im gonna buy a bra that makes my boobs look big and then im going to do exercises that make my butt look firmer. I'm gonna have charm. I'm gonna walk with grace, i don't care what it takes.
i'll have the perfect body, the perfect mind, and the perfect soul.
This is exactly how i feel hun. just stay strong. we'll get thru it!♥
ReplyDeletei feel the same
ReplyDeleteope you get to where u wanna be honey it sounds achieveable if ur dedicated to being there, just depends how committed and how much you want it
keep strong
much lovee
xx