i don't want to live anymore.

and thats how i feel.

ive been binging

like crazy. I've prob gained 5 lbs this weekend, and I'm not over exaggerating.
I weighed my self at 122 and I was 119 on friday.
its sunday, I feel like I'll be even bigger tomorrow.
I've been utterly depressed and I'm not sure why. I've just kind of given up hope, and given up on life. I'm sick of living, sick of acting like I don't care, sick of never feeling good enough for anybody.
I'm going to start restricting hard core again. not just because I want to be skinny. I just want control. I want control of something in my life because everything else is so out of control.
I hate myself so much. I don't know why I'm still living. I'm miserable. Legit. every day is just another battle and I don't want to fight anymore. I honestly don't. I can't do anything right. I just suck at life. I suck at everything I do.
I suck at dancing.
I suck at restricting.
I suck at getting boys to like me.
I suck at everything.

I'm a grade A failure. the only thing I'm good at is failing. I want to cut so fucking bad but what good would it due? Just add another collection to my million of scars? Give me some numbness for 5 minutes? give me some real pain? sure. but who cares about that? my life is still going to be misarble.

my friend olivia was telling me about this girl in concert choir whos anorexic and shes in treatment in texas. thats so sad to hear. her twin is talking to my ex cj. shes gorgeous. apparently she had cancer a couple years ago and lost all her hair, now she has a lot. shes beautiful. it's so sad to hear that.

you know what I do to make myself feel better? I get on chat rooms and talk to guys who are twice my age so I can listen them call me pretty and give me some fucking confidence. how sad is that? I've never admitted that to anyone, not even my therapist.

I just wish someone would love me. just hold me and wipe away my tears.

I know god would fix all my problems if I just went too him, but I'm to damn selfish.
I feel like I need to stop caring about what people think about me first, because my fear of giving myself to God is what people would think about me. so maybe I need to change that first?

who knows. I just want to die.

im fucking fat.

ive been binging like a muthafucka. its gross. ive gotten back into the routine of b/p and i hate it. i havent been gaining to much but i just feel fat. i feel bloated and its gross.

i like this cade guy but i dont really know him. hes sweet but he doesnt text back often. kinda bogusss

i dont like carlton anymore, and tanners a dick. cj is just cj.

im so ugly and disgusting idk how to live with myseelf. honestly i wish i could just kill myself because i dont see the point of living anymore.

i hate how i look. i hate my body. i hate my life. i honestly do. im not even trying to sound like a whiny bitch im just honestly not happy with life. it was getting better but now its just getting suckier again.

i need to make positive changes. im just a failure and can't do anything right.

fuck my low self esteem self. im donee, kbye.

i never stopped loving you, I just stopped caring.

I'm still in love with my grade 7th grade boyfriend.

actually I don't think I love him, but feelings are deff still there.
I know he doesn't like me, but I think I could get him too.
I just have to play my cards right.
one step foward then two step backs.

I still like tanner and have been questioning texting him but hes such a dick. i shouldnt even waste my time on him.
I kinda just wanna go to sleep and forget about life. i just had a mini binge after restricting all day. fml

carlton doesnt like me so im done with him.

i just want to kill myself honestly. my mom tells me about how me she wants to die and it gets old. I wish I was in the right mental state to listen to her problems, but I can't.

I wish someone loved me. thats all.

welcome to my, silly life.

so, my ex boyfriend from like 3 years ago, who was like my first love, messaged me on fb today. we had a nice little conversation.

it did bring back some old butterflies, I'm not going to lie to you. I would prob hook up with him. it prob wouldn't be very smart though, but hey shit happens.

fuck tanner. I don't even wanna talk about him. hes telling people i gave him herpes. I never even had a cold sore in my life, and before him i wasn't with a dude since like may. fuck him.

and carlton, honestly my feelings are going away towards him. now i like tanner, but he pisses me off.

cj, my ex, likes someone else. I would possibly talk to him tho. he was obvi flirting with me, but cj is different. that boy fucked me up in the head. he called me ugly, fat, whatever. he made me have a fear of guys.

I don't love him I guess, but I'll never stop caring about him. he makes me smile. I can't stop smiling when we talk. I think I'm just gonna flirt with him hardcore. if he messages me again on fb I'm gonna tell him to text me.

oh well, again i dont care. fuck natalie. shes a bitch. her boyfriend is posting statuses on facebook about me. haha real mature.

fuck people. fuck my fatass ate hella today. im 116 though so dats cool. prob gained from today though because i didnt purge or take laxies.

cant sleep. it's like 12:30. oh well. night.

why

ive been so utterly depressed lately.
so weak...so done.
i just wanna go to sleep and never wake up.


ive been thinking about suicide more and more... i cant handle the pressures of life anymore.
its too much...i cant do it anymore.

im a failure.

.,.

I hate myself. Honestly. I hate everything about me and I just want to die. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm weak, I'm a slut, I can't do anything right.

I just want to die. I don't want to live anymore.

I'm so, so so fucking stupid. I let guys take advantage of me. and it makes me like them even more.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

I'm hungry. I want food. I want love. I want to be loved. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me...

I'm done with everything. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't. I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm 117. i have to get down to 110 by homecoming, I just have to.

I want to be so skinny that people will know theres something wrong with me. I want attention. I want people to worry about me.

I'm going to go to sleep and forget about life.

the things I need to know/remember/do.

1. Life goes on. Don't get to caught up in things that are happening right now, things can and will get better.
2. People who matter don't mind, and people who mind don't matter.
3.Stop being so occupied about what other people think.
4. You don't have to please the world.
5. Boys at this age are pieces of shit. Don't trust them.
6. On that note, stop doing things with guys that you're gonna regret. just because you did it before doesn't mean you have to do it again.
7. Remember the things you learn in therapy, and actually act on them.
8. Yeah life is tough, but it's something you're going to have to deal with.
9. Tell yourself everyday something you like about yourself.
10. Help someone everyday.
11. Be nothing but nice to people. If they're rude, respond with love.
12. Try reading scripture more. take time out of the day to do it.
13. Have 3 meals a day. doesn't matter how small, just make sure it's three differ meals.
14. remember your coping skills. don't cut.
15. So many people in this world love you. ask for help if you need it.
16. do your school work. ask questions if you need help.
17. Be nice to Carlton. You don't have to give him the cold shoulder, just act like you don't care. He will probably be back.
18. Tanner is a player. You know you will end up talking to him again, but try ignoring him somewhat. don't seem to needy.
19. Look your best, but remember, looks aren't everything.
20. finish short term goals that will help you accomplish long term goals.
21. DON'T DWELL ON NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. replace the negative with positive.

22. Embrace compliments. don't just shake them off. when you get a compliment, write it down.
23. Don't listen to the haters. Just honestly, act like they said nothing. erase anything they said.
24. I would say be yourself, but you're not sure who that is. Find yourself.
25. Wake up earlier.
26. Exercise at least once a day outside of dance.
27. Talk your self up.
28. Tell your family you love them.
29. Tell your friends you love them.
30. Go out of your way to talk to the kid who no one talks too.
31. Don't talk shit.
32. Text Emily everyday.
33. Listen to others.
34. Think more rationally. Don't act on feelings, but take how you feel into consideration.
35. Don't avoid problems. Face them, even if you don't want to.
36. Sleep when you need to, but not too much.
37. You're not the prettiest girl in the school, but you're not the ugliest.
38. You don't have to be perfect.
39. You don't have to please everyone.
40. Don't spend time on the petty problems. Think about stuff that really matters.
41. Start going to church.
42. You're an awesome person.
43. You have so much self worth.
44. You are beautiful.(that was tough to write.)
45. Stop beating yourself up for things.
46. Realize your mistakes, and learn from them.
47. Clean your room!
48. Don't lay around all day, do something productive.
49. Accomplish something everyday, go out of your comfort zone. It can big or small.
50. Finally, smile. God put you on this earth for a reason. You can and will be happy.

all i want.

all I want is someone to love me.
someone who doesn't give a fuck about doing anything sexual.
someone who tells me I'm pretty, when I'm just wearing sweats and my hair up.
someone who will kiss my forehead.
someone who will give me bear hugs.
someone who wont leave me.
someone who I can tell all my secrets to.
someone who will wipe the tears away.

why does everyone leave me?
oh yeah, it's because I'm ugly and fat.
alll guys want from me is head. cool beans.

boy problems= not swag

I really like carlton so much.
...so why did i let this other guy(tanner) finger me?

i feel dirty. i mean i guess i like tanner but I really like carlton. like he is just so much like me and we just get eachother. I told him how I felt but he didn't care.


so....I guess im just gonna be with tanner. I'll be happy with tanner. maybe I'll be with carlton again in the future but right now I'm gonna be with tanner. were hanging out tomorrow. and were prob doing a lot. soo......idk. it hurt so bad when he fingered me..... haha okay tmi

im out, duecess.