If you really knew me.

You'd be disgusted. I have secrets that I've never told anyone. Secrets that define who I am.

They ruin me. Make me different.

Drunken ramblings about my ex boyfriend

We were toxic me and you

We were never good together. We were so different. We were brought up in two different house holds and thought totally different. What was important to you didn't mean anything to me and vise versa.

Everyone wanted us to break up. We were the only ones that didn't see it. I hated you. You repulsed me. But I said I loved you..

Did I love you? I don't know. What is love? Someone tell me because I honestly don't know. When you care about someone? Because I cared a lot about you. I had this connection with you that I never felt with anyone else. Was that just because of sex? I don't know

How can someone explain to me how I feel if i don't even know

This is why I want to kill myself because of stupid ass shit like this that doesn't even matter and should not make a person want to kill themselves

But I just ate a lot of pizza rolls and drink a lot of beer so I probably gained more weight

I want to be fucking skinny again. Before I start college next semester dude I'm losing weight.

I hate myself and everyone around me. I want to die.

Is it weird that not even an hour ago I was afraid of getting old and dying and now I want to die?

I don't make sense. Someone lock me up I'm not sane

I have a headache and I'm drunk and I just want the pain to leave and I want someone to love me

Life right now

Is good one day and shit the next day.

Today was okay I ate normally, I didn't feel bad about it until now. I've restricted most of last week and binged and purged Saturday.

This is really awkward and weird to say but my eating disorder is like my boyfriend.
When I was dating someone I was pretty much recovered from my eating disorder. I still had slip ups but it was probably about 80% better. Now that I've been single for about four months, shit has hit the fan and I've been relapsing like a mother fucker.
When I'm not experiencing attention from a boy, I'm experiencing attention from my eating disorder.
Fuck my borderline persinality tendancies that make it impossible for me to be happy alone.
I want to lose weight but I want to do it in a healthy way. Every time I try to diet I just end up restricting. It's all black or white to me. If I eat a healthy amount I look at it as too much and decide to eat twice the healthy amount.
My anxiety has been bad lately. My heart hurts like my chest is literately in pain. I keep on replaying the stupid things I said this past week again and again. Ugh it never stops.
I want to cut so badly.
I'm the same girl as I was three years ago. It sucks.
I want to get better and then again part of me doesn't. It's messed up.
Honestly I wish I could just lay in bed for the rest of my life.

I need a friend. Email me. Kacibayley@yahoo.com

I'm obsessed with suicide

I find myself everyday trying to look up ways on how to do it constantly reading up.

I'm always thinking about it. Always.

I've relapsed. I binged today because I've been so hungry from restricting. Back to the cycle.

I hate my life. So so so much.

I would love to go to inpatient but because outpatient isn't enough. But I'm broke and don't have health insurance.

It's not like I haven't tried to look for help because I have. theres not much else to say.

Anyone know the key to happiness?

Because I can't find it. I'm depressed awfully.

I don't even know why this time.

I hate being alone. I hate it. I let guys walk all over me.

I'm desperate for love and affection. That's what makes me happy.

But it's not real happiness.

I honestly do not wanna do this anymore. This is so stressful. Waking up everyday hating everyone and everything around you, feeling so much anxiety you could die. I really feel like I'm not supposed to live anymore. I can't see myself growing old.

I can't deal with life anymore. I hate myself . I hate everyone around me. I just want to die.

Thats all I want is to just make it stop. I don't wanna do this.

The best feeling is

Being excited to weigh yourself in the morning.

I've lost 5 pounds in the past week, hopefully lower tomorrow

I've ate around 400-700 calories for the past week now plus exercise.

I'm so proud of myself, for once!

I think I'm over Danny idk tomorrow I prob won't be it changes on the daily.

I don't need him and frankly I don't want HIM. I just want somebody.

I shouldn't of never had sex with him.

Life is exhausting

You didn't even care. You might of said you did, but you didn't

I didn't want to lose you. You were my everything and now were strangers.

I hated you and loved you. You weren't good to me.

But yet all I want is you on my lips again, stroking my hair and making love to me.

I'm better off without you but I wish you wanted me back just a little. Please act like you care.

For once I just want someone to be scared to lose me.

I want to die. This sleeping medicine is right next to me, wonders what happens if I take all of it?

I'm so fat. You left me because I was fat. I let myself get like this.

I just want to cut. And die.

Maybe you'll actually give a shit then

Oh and btw

I'm actually fat now. Not like I have an eating disorder so I think I'm fat but actually fat.

My parents even tell me I need to lose weight lol.

So there's that

Don't need you

No. I'm not going to let you control my life anymore.

I'm fine without you I don't need you and never will I again.

You were a good experience but that experience is over with.

I don't ever want you back.

I don't know why my thoughts lead to you but I don't need you nor do I want you.

You're not mine and I'm not yours. Ill never be with you ever again.

I don't want to be sad over you. I don't want to do that. I don't need you.

Breaking up sucks

Me and Danny broke up. Pretty sure it's for good.

Honestly? Think its for the best. It just sucks ya know?

I loved Danny yes but I was just using him as a way to be happy.

I'm so scared about losing him because I didn't know how, still don't know how to deal with my problems, and he was how I dealt with my problems.

Any kind of my self esteem comes from him.

I'm about to start my senior year. He's going to college. We fought a lot and sometimes just seeing his face would make me want to lose it. We weren't supposed to be together.

He's the guy I lost my virginity too. I'm always going to remember him. Somewhere deep down ill love him forever. He's just not the one.

He treated me like shit. I tried to act like he didnt but he was very negletive. He rarely told me he loved me. Only time I ever felt something meaningful is when we had sex.

All these things were true but I didn't want to let him go. And now he's gone. I'm happy but then I'm sad. I know I'll be okay. I haven't ate since the break up. I'm gonna see how tomorrow is and see how I react towards food.

Ill be okay. Lets hope.

So I'm officially relapsed

I'm too embarrassed to say my weight. I'm over recovery. Ill be on here a lot more.

relapsing

the thoughts.....they're coming back.

i was doing so well.

i really looked at myself today and thought how gross and ugly i was. it's all ive been thinking about for the last hour.

i texted my boyfriend basically fishing for a compliment complaining how fat i was just hoping he would say you're beautiful just the way you are

and instead he says "if you're unhappy about your body then do something about it"

i'll do something about it alright

Reading my old blog posts, even from just 4-5 months ago...

wow. was I really that bad?

It makes me sad reading it. I really hope I don't relapse. I like being happy.

I'm not happy go lucky either. Like I have several things that don't make me happy. But I am able to function through life. I am able to look at the sky and realize how it really is a blessing to be alive.

This isn't what I wanted to make a blog post about though. I got on here ready to write but then I got curious and started looking at all my old blog posts.

I guess I would of been 15 when I started this blog, so two-ish years ago? so much has changed.

which is directly what I wanted to talk about/rant about.

I tweeted something about 20 min ago that said "I feel like once I get out of High school I won't talk to anyone I met in there again." Some of my "friends" tweeted back saying don't say that blah blah.

these friends haven't asked me to hangout in weeks. they ask me for ride homes sometimes.

which is why I tweeted this. High school changes everybody. I was best friends with a girl my freshman year who i can barely keep conversation with now because it's so awkward, she's like a stranger. I started to be friends with a whole different group at the end of my sophmore year which had some good and bad things. the good things is i didn't drink and party as much when i was with them, the bad thing is that to say this nicely, they're fake bitches. They like to talk about each other behind each others backs and just be mean girls. One day they wanna be your best friend the next day they don't. Which is why I'm saying once i get out of high school i won't talk to any of those people again. because for the record I'm done with them. like i'm over it.

I'm graduating early, which means I have the rest of this semester and then one more semester then im out. I really realized this is the best decision for me. I think I'm over exaggerating when I say I hate everyone at high school, but I definately have strong feelings of dislikeness towards them. And I mean I'm one of them. Guilty i've talked crap behind someones back. I'm not proud of it and honestly I feel bad about it. I've gotten better with age. And i've noticed when I'm around certain people i start to do it more.

I just wanna get away from those people and on to the next stage of my life. I'm sure it'll be awhile before high school really leaves me, but now that I think about it, I do kinda wanna move. I guess I told myself I'll go wherever danny goes. But well see about that.

I'm just literately over high school. It's awful and so are the people. Maybe thats what real life is like, but I doubt it's as bad as someone telling someone, just walking right up to there face and saying, "yo you ugly as fuck"

i'm hoping real life is more mature than that.

haven't been on this forever

because my life has been pretty good.

Me and danny broke up but got back together. still not sure how I feel about that situation.

I'm about 139. the old me would probably want to kill myself about this.

i'm not happy about it no. But i'm doing it the healthy way.

I gave up fast food completely.

I guess it's all about balance with me. I would not eat at all or eat 3 days worth of food.

I'm learning every thing is okay in moderation. I count calories sometimes but find that it's best not too. some days I get obsessive but I move past it.

Some days I feel bad for eating something but again I'm able to get past it.

It's sad to say that getting a boyfriend is really the reason why I've been happier and changing my life. Because honestly I'm really scared that when we break up I'm just gonna go down the tube again. Which is why you should never depend on a boy for happiness. It's very dangerous. but... I did.

Honestly I knew I was never gonna get confidence from myself. I had to get it from someone else showing me affection. Thats probably not very healthy.

When me and danny broke up I literately felt like my whole worlds fell apart. I didn't wanna move eat or breathe. It really scared me. Of course we started dating again. He bought me a teddy bear and new shoes and yada yada yada.

Since this happened, I'm trying to teach myself not to be so clingy. Like last night I really had to stop myself. I get so needy like it's disgusting. I just want to be wanted so bad.

thats when I start to question....am I love with him or the idea of him?

am I only with him because he's like therapy to me?

I think I love him. I mean this whole time before we broke up I knew I loved him. But when we broke up I wasn't so sure. I was so....hurt. angry. sad. I don't know. too many emotions. I didn't cut. I didn't eat that day though.

I wanna be with danny. I do. In fact I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have kids and raise them in a happy house.


Thats what I think I want........but do i?

I keep on second guessing myself. a big part is telling me I shouldn't be with him. But I can't and don't want to let him go.

maybe I'm obsessed/addicted to him. idk.

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

I wanna be with him. but I feel like it might be all fake. like I'm not with him for the right reasons.

I have no idea what I should do. I guess just keep on keepin on.