every day i shufflin.

i love lmfao <3

anyways, I'm having my party tomorrow, bout to get to fucked up. sucks because I have to wake up at like 6 am and go to a parade for dance. dance blows, but hey i would be super fat if i didnt do it. its my workout for everyday.

my mom makes me cry. she tells me how much she hates her life and how much she wants to die. she says she has nothing to live for. she makes me just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

my parents got in a big fight today which triggerd me to cut myself. idk why it bothers me, I should just be used to it by now. I dont really think about it that often but my family is really messed up. were al just living. we dont like eachother. were hanging on by a thread. we have debt coming out of our asses and me and my mom have mental disorders. my sister hates my mom for not being there when she needed her. my dad is literately doing everything he can to keep a fake smile on. my brothers dont live with us, and my brother daniel doesnt want anything to do with us. our house is a shit hole. yeah its big, but its so messy. my mom has not been able to function ever since my cat benny died. its just fucked up. my family is not happy. were all just waiting to either leave the house, or die.

i wanna be happy. ive realised today that the reason why I have so much self hatred is because of other people. Isnt that fucked up? Its called self hatred because it comes from yourself. but for me, other people have made me hate myself. because I was teased, because my friends were so much prettier than me, because my friends could eat whatever they want and never gain weight, because my friends always had a boy that liked them, because my friends were so neat and proper, and I was so messy and unorganized, because they all played sports and I didn't, because there house was always clean, because there mommy's made there lunches, because I said things when I wasn't supposed to, because I didn't always get new clothes, because my hair was red, because I was pale, because I was raised from a strict family, because I grew up faster, because I was different.
since I wasnt like everyone else. things that common people shared, i didn't share. Ive tried to be like someone else for so long I dont know who I am. I was made fun of for that. society told me "Hey,you dont look/act/think like the rest of us, so your not worthy of love" so I wasn't aloud to love myself.



I'll never be perfect. I'll never be like everyone else. I'll never meet the worlds expectations. So why should I be against myself since so many other people are?
because society wants me to be like everyone else.

I just need to learn to love myself<------------------------hahahahaha. thats a funny joke.

but really, I need to stop living by the worlds expectations and figure out my own.


now all I have to do is find out how to do that.........

so i over-reacted before.

ive been binging and purging like zonkers. blood came up this time. you think i would stop, but i binged more and more blood came up.... oh wellz.

carlton has been texting me. i was kind of flirting with him yesterday, but idk. i dont really like himm? so idk. he wants to hang out with me. i dont want too.

....i dont know what else to write about. im thinking that this eating disorder or whatever you wanna call it is ruining my life. im seeing my therapist tomorrow......maybe ill ask to help recover.

taking a handful of pills

seems fucking awesome right now.

I hate my very existence.

I hate my family.im so angry right now, I just want to keep on cutting myself until i bleed to death. I fucking hate everything! I suck at life. Im never gonna be good enough. All I want is to be happy. I'll never be happy. I hate myself, I hate everything about me. I hate my life. I don't give a fuck if I'm lucky, you think I don't know that shit?

I don't know what to do anymore! I legit just want to kill myself. I hate living. I told my therapists I would be strong, but I'm just sick of fighting! It's to hard, I'm not strong enough to change my life. I'll always be to fat and too ugly. My thinking will never change. I'll never be happy. I just want to die. I don't want to live anymore. I hate life. I hate everything. Ill never be the girl everyone else wants me to be. I'll never live up to the worlds expectations. I'll always just be ugly kaci. Sure I'm nice, but no one appreciates that. You can't just be nice to get by in this world.

The only one that accepts me is god. It's even hard for me to wrap my head around that he loves me.


I hate my fat self. I hate everything. I'm repulsive. I. Just. Want. To. Die.


Please take me god. I hate this world. Im never going to be good enough for it, so why live? I'm too fucking weird and not like everyone else. No one will accept me but you. I just want to be in heaven with you and my kitty.

Darknesss just surrounds me. I'm trapped in this whole and I'll never get out.


I hate life, I hate me. Ugh. I need to die.

Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die.
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat f

I faiiiiiiil

I binge and binge and binge.

New diet(if you wanna call it that)

Breakfast-fiber bar (90 calories)
Lunch-fruits and veggies (up to 150 calories)
Dinne-lean casine (200-300 calories)
Snack-Popsicle (15 calories)

So at the highest I will be eating 555 calories. I prob imagine on daily I'll be eating 500 though. I'm doing this to at least Sunday. Hopefully I can stick through it and not binge!
I have dance tomorrow so that's two hours of exercise right there. I'm going to start looking at thinspo every morning so I'll be motivated for the day.

I miss my kitty :( :( :( he was my baby. Whenever I had a bad day i would curl up to him. I loved him so much. My whole family did. Even my dad was balling his eyes out. It just sucks. He has to be in heaven. God loves the animals. He made each and every one of them. Why wouldn't he send them to heaven? I know Benny is in heaven, he has to be.

Welll I'm too lazy to go downstairs to take my anti depressants. Lol oh wells. See ya.

todays a depressing day.

my baby kitty benny died today. he was amazing. i loved him so much <3

alll ive wanted to do today was eat my feelings. but i cant do that, cuz ill get fat. :<



today is just an fml day.

Catching up

Well I just got home from Florida from chuch camp. I've realized how much I do truly love god.
I'm always running away from him because I feel like I'll never be good enough for him. I know I still do bad things, but I'm working on it. All I want to do is just praise him.
I've gained so much weight! I'm 124 and was a whopping 127 the day I came back. WTF. I'm sick of bingeing and purging. I just need to be strong. I know I can do it. It's just going to take some will power. I'm going to fast. Deff tomorrow. It's just do hard cuz things always come up, but I'm just gonna have to stick through it. I hate food. It's so gross. All I wanna do is just be thin.
I relapsed on cutting. It sucks. It's taking control over me..... I don't know what to do anymore.
I passed my drug test my parents gave me. So suck on that mom & dad.
I have therapy on Tuesday. Yippee, its not with my regular girl though, so I'm not too excited.
I just want to die. I don't know why I haven't killed myself yet. I hate life. I just want to go to heaven with Jesus.

I'll write tomorrow. Hopefully my fast goes well. Byeeeee

why can't I stop eating?

all i do is eat. fucking eat and eat and eat. im stuffed. when I think about foods I get grossed out like legit I do not want to eat. but when I start eating, I can't stop. ugh. Im stuffed. and I cant even puke because someone will hear me. i hate my fucking fat ass self. god im gonna gain so much weight. seriously I NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN. god. FUCK. like literately in the shittiest mood. I just wanna cut.............:/ idk. maybe just a lil bit? it might make me feel better. ive been doing so good though...ugh. idk. i think i might. i deserve it.................... :( whatever. im done. my fat self can just go die or somthin. kbye.

enter lame ass title here.

well I went to therapy about two days ago. I never knew how much I could ramble. hahaha. I found out a lot out about myself though. I mean things I already knew, but I didn't analyze a lot of the things. I never asked myself the why question.

basically, we found out I have a very low opinion of myself (duh) lol. and i guess the goal for therapy is to love myself. but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I'VE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT. FUCK.

125. ew.ew.ew.ew.ew.ew. I've been bingeing and purging and binging and purging.

lol I miss being anorexic and starving myself..... HA JK. pro ana moment lolz. but for real just kidding I wasn't trying to offend anyone.

I JUST WANNA EAT. lol. but i cannnnnnntt cuz ill get fat. and I suck balls at purging. like fast food i can purge and like ice cream and stuff. but things like chips cookies and any kind of crackers and foods like that I can not purge worth shit. I suck at life. wahhh.

ehhhh well I'm done. prob have to go clean some more today. i wonder if anyones home? its been weridly quiet here. ehh. well duces lovelies.

stillfat.

im a fuckin hippo. my stomach hurts from bingeing. fuck me.
hate life. fuck. i need to just die.
gahhbye,

and also,

I'm putting distractions for cutting on here, someone posted it on PT and absloutley loved it. everytime I do one I'm gonna cross it out, I'm going to try to do all of them. hehe, I have werid coping mechanisms, I know.

1. Exercise

2. Putting on fake tattoos
3. Drawing on yourself in red marker (make sure it's washable!)
4. Scribbling on sheets an sheets of paper
5. Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.)
6. Cuddling with a stuffed toy
7. Being with other people
8. Watching a favorite TV show (preferably a comedy)
9. Posting on web boards, and answering others' posts
10. Thinking about how I DON'T want scars for the summer
11. Painting your nails
12. Going to see a movie
13. Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food)
14. Doing school work
15. Surf the net
16. Go into chat rooms to talk
17. Call a friend and ask for company
18. Playing a musical instrument
19. Singing
20. Looking up at the sky (night is especially beautiful) .
21. Redo this list.
22. Punching a punching bag (with gloves on)
23. Shoot rubberbands across the room.
24. Cover yourself with band-aids where you want to cut
25. Mix warm water and red food coloring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood)
26. Letting yourself cry (can be very difficult for some)
27. Sleep (only if you are tired)
28. A hot shower, or relaxing bath (no razors in the tub, though)
29. Play with a pet
30. Detangling yarn or necklaces
31. Re-organizing your room
32. Cleaning
33. Having a pillowfight with the wall (yes, neighbors may think you are crazy, but that's ok)
34. Knitting or sewing
35. Reading a good book
36. Dressing up very glamorous (make sure no one can walk in on you, though)
37. Coloring my hair
38. Listening to music (try yo use calm music)
39. Watching a candle burn (no playing with the flames!)
40. Finding someone else you can help out
41. Meditate
42. Watching a scary (but not bloody, but if bloody movies help, than watch a bloody one) movie.
43. Work on a website
44. Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity
45. Go somewhere very public
46. Bake
47. Alphabetize your CD's
48. Chewing leather (especially if you SI by biting)
49. Buy a home Henna tatoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking)
50. Painting or drawing
51. Ripping paper into itty-bitty pieces
52. Hugs-(this one is very nice...)
53. Writting letters or email
54. Talk to yourself (or if that feels weird, buy a small tape recorder-I then feel like someone is listening)
55. Stroke nice fabrics
56. Hug a pillow
57. Hyperfocus on something like a rock, hand, etc.
58. fingerprint
59. Scream real loud (make sure no one is home!)
60. Dance
61. Make hot chocolate (mmmmm....)
62. pop bubble wrap
63. play with modelling clay or Play-Dough
64. count to one hundred
65. Build a pillow fort
66. pop balloons
67. Hug yourself
69. Reading things in a different language
70. Going for a nice, long drive
71. Complete something you've been putting off
72. Drinking absurd amounts of tea
73. Breaking plastic plates
74. Tearing up socks
75. Throwing socks against the wall
76. Archery
77. Rock climbing
78. Take up a new hobby
79. Organize bills and such
80. Cook a meal
81. Go out for ice cream
82. Buy a stuffed animal

83. Look at pretty things-like flowers or artwork
84. Create Something
85. Pray
86. Randomly wave at people
87. Make a list of blessings in your life
88. Read the Bible
89. Go to a friend's house
90. Take up fencing
91. Watch an old, happy movie
92. Call a Help hotline or your Therapist
93. Talk to someone close to you that knows
94. Throw a temper-tantrum
95. Hit things-other than yourself
96. Ride a bicycle.
97. Polish silver or jewelry.
98. Gardening or watering house plants
99. Memorizing poetry
100. CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
101. Feed the ducks or birds or squirrels, etc.
102. Draw on the walls
103. Play with facepaint
104. Do very Glamerous make-up
105. Colour with crayons
106. Memorise a novel or play or song
107. Put on boots and STAMP
108. Stretch
109. Find butterflies
110. Watch fish
111. Come up with baby names (even if you're not pregnant)
112. Make mashed potatoes
113. Make a tape of your favorite songs
114. Name all of your stuffed animals
115. Go shopping
116. Get into PJ's and just veg.
117. Buy cheap teddy bears and take out anger on them instead of self.
118. Throw everything (except glass) into the centrer
119. Go to a loud concert
120. Play the 15 minute game (say you can't cut for 15 minutes, and when the time is up, start again)
121. Plan your wedding / prom
122. Hunt for stuff on Ebay (you can find ANYTHING there)
123. Alphabetize your books
124. Hunt for your perfect home in the paper
125. Take up Tai Chi
126. Try to make as many words out of your full name as possible, then do your friends names)
127. count ceiling tiles/lights
129. search ridiculous things on the web
130. color-co-ordinate your wardrobe
131. do a home tan on yourself
132. sort all your photographs
133. color (or scribble) over the pretty women in magazines
134. plan a dinner party
135. play with a slinky
136. but yourself some toys and play
137. start collecting something
138. get a tattoo / piercing
139. play video/computer games
140. do a trash clean at your local park
141. Play on a swingset
142. go out and perform a random act of kindness for someone
143. call up an old friend
144. write yourself an "I love you because" letter
145. put on fake nails
146. try to build something
147. re-arrange your house
148. go to a public place and people watch
149. go through all your old stuff
150. go bargain - hunting
151. smile at least five people (you usually end up smiling genuinely yourself.)
152. go to the zoo and rename all the animals.
153. go for a peaceful walk.
154. Love you. Cuz I do. Put down the razor for all of these reasons

poetry, because I don't how else to express myself right now.

Not very good, writing this at like 5 am, a little disoriented so may not make much sense. but, neither does life. so there ya go.


this scares me.


the beauty of the blue skies stop me in my tracks.
the clouds dissapear slowly like my hopes and dreams.
if only I could dissapear just as the clouds do.
then I would be free.
And this scares me.

I want to fade away, slowy in the backround.
I want to be unheard of, and unspooken of.
I want to be not even a thought in anyones head.
I want to be diseased, never even born.
and this scares me.

the emotional pain has a tight grip around my neck, not letting me grasp for air.
I ask for air, and in exchange I give my blood.
my emotional pain turns into physical pain.
and another scar has another story.
and this scares me.

oh beautiful blue skies, If only I was as beautiful as you.
you make life seem so simple, you make peace an option.
but then it starts to rain, and you're beautiful no more.
you fall as the tears fall down my face.
because I know, that even a beautiful sky like you isn't always perfect.
and this scares me.