Yeah

I just like you so much it makes me actually sad and want to cry and scream and cut myself because you drive me insane

I'm too fat for you and you're going to see me naked tomorrow and I'm not ready

Things I need to remind myself.

Stop waiting for a boy to save you, you can only save you.

Just because a boy is nice to you doesn't mean he's interested in you. Just because he's interested in you doesn't mean he wants to sleep with you, and just because he wants to sleep with you doesn't mean he's interested in you.

You are so much more than what a boy thinks about you. So much more.

You don't physically need anybody but yourself.

Stop fucking making exscuses. Stop saying tomorrow, or in an hour. Stop fucking procrastinating. You can kick some ass if you put your mind to it.

Don't let anyone make you think you're less than what you are. They don't mean shit.

Always dress like you're about to see your ex and his new girlfriend together.

Tell people exactly how you feel. Stop trying to spare everyone's feelings. If they are doing something to hurt you, let them know.

With some things; you are allowed to be selish. You are allowed to demand for what you want and not always ask politely.

Stop settling for bullshit dudes with mediocre wieners. You can do better.

So what you are not the skinniest or the prettiest? So what if there's a hundred million girls that are more attractive than you? You're a dime peice. No one on this earth is unattractive.. One persons beautiful is another persons hideous. It's all opinions.

Stop dumbing yourself down. You're fucking smart.

Be you, find yourself. Be generous to everyone. Treat everyone the way you would want to be treated, even if they're an asshole. Kill them with kindness.

I just want to run, throw it away.

It's stupid how much I like you. It's your fault you know. You say all these sweet things to me then you leave me hanging. I know the tricks men play, especially to vulnerable girls like me. I honestly don't think you care about me at alll. I think you just want the sexual stuff and like how attached I am to you. You were really nice at first and at times you still are but it's obvious you would not care if I just left. 

I want to cut so badly. I thought I grew out of that stage but omg do I want to cut. I can't. If he sees my scars that will just start another fight and probably make him run away from me some more. God I'm so fucking pathetic. Screw him. Screw boys screw school screw fucking biology screw my fucking messy room screw annoying men who won't leave me alone on the internet screw my fucking job screw my fat ass body.

It was so much easier when I was dating Danny. I fucking miss him for that reason alone that life was so damn easy

Mynor will probably text me in the morning. Call me up to just break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

BECAUSE HES AN ASSHOLE AND IM OBSESSED WITH HIM BECAUSE HES SO GODDAMN CHARMING AND SOMETIMES HE CALLS ME BEAUTIFUL. But mostly he treats me like dirt. 

He probably would cuddle with me for about two minutes and then be like ight time to suck my dick. I'm so sad ugh. I've lost fifteen pounds since me and him started talking. Lol I feel like I have to be skinny to measure up to him.

I wish I could tell my therapist the truth, what type of person he is and what are relationship actually is and were we met. 

I wish I could be pretty and smart and skinny and not so sad. I'm failing all my classes except for like one I'm a fucking mistake and should not of graduated from high school early. 

Who am I kidding? I try to act kind an adult but I'm just a fucking child. I'm an idiot 

Literately I just wish I could just stop life. 

I let myself get sad tonight

Today would of been me and my exes two year anniversary.

I let myself reminisce in get sad over him because I literately never do. It's been six months since we broken up. I don't know if I'm over him or not really. I couldn't tell you. I think I just miss having a boyfriend.

I haven't spoke to him since the break up. I do want him to know however that I'm doing well and that I'm losing weight and I want him to see me and be like damn she looks good what was I thinking. Does that mean I'm not over him? Who knows. I'm pretty sure he like hates me. His friends do that's for sure.

I want him to be jealous. I don't know that's why I wonder if I really am over him at times. I wish I could have sex with him one last time, lol. We don't even talk though. I doubt well ever talk again.

I keep all these feelings about him hidden because I don't like to open up this wound. Of course I think about him daily but I don't sit there and focus on him and really try to figure out what went wrong. Tonight I thought I should since it would of been 2 years today. It's crazy to think I was that girl two years ago. I'm so different now.... It's crazy how much things change.

I've grown up yes. I feel like I've changed though. I don't know if it's in a negative way or in a positive way. I'm just... Different then I was then.

I wish he would just text me and ask me how I'm doing. Did I mean that little to him? He used to tell me how he would check up on his ex to see how she was doing when we first started dating. He was obviously not over her. Is he over me? I'm sure he is. We both fell out of love. Hell I don't think I ever was in it and neither was he. We were like fire and gasoline. We weren't good together. Two very different people.

I honestly was just so desperate I was just happy a boy was giving me attention. Which he barely even did.

Why can't I just find someone that's close to my age and cares about me.

There's this guy I met on the internet who I've talked to for awhile who is just so fond of me. He is just intrigued and interested in me. Problem is he lives in Iowa and even bigger problem is that he's 40. Lol.

Ha I know my life is pathetic. I want to hook up with this Raymond guy really bad but last time he asked me to come inside I turned him down so I don't know if he'll ask me again. Lol.

And I'm still talking to mynor but he's an asshole so yeah I kinda want to sleep Raymond just to rub it in his face. Actually I wouldn't tell him but just the satisfaction of knowing I did would be good enough.

Mynor is so fucking sexy though let me tell you. He's 23 and has a really good job and has a bachelor degree and he wears suits OMG like why would I not get so attached to him.

Well anyways I am and I don't think he gives that much of a shit about me but whatever it is what it is.  I guess I just shouldn't care. I don't know I kinda want to end things with him before I get too attached but omg I like him so much

Lol wait wasn't I supposed to be beig sad over my ex Danny right now...... Lmao didn't last long. Maybe that's my answer if I'm over him or not lol. Oh welllllllllll goodnight y'all