Dear monster.

(just to let everyone know, I don't personify my eating disorder and say things like Ana is my best friend, this is nothing like that. This is just describing the battle going on in my head."


The monster that lives in side of my head is the cruelest monster of them all.
He shows no mercy, just pain.
He feeds off my pain, my tears.
He wants to see me physically and mentally hurt.
He doesn't do me any good, for even I know that.
But, he lies and tells me that he can change my world.
He can make me happy, he can make me beautiful.
He'll show me how I can love myself.
But it comes with a price.
I have to give up food.
I'm not allowed to eat over the calorie limit he sets for me.
And if I just do that simple thing, he promises me I'll be lovely.
He swares to it.
That last for awhile, but he knows it won't last forever.
For he made this cycle, this cycle of madness, which doesn't lead me being happy for long.
I take one bite of a forbidden food.
The taste buds erupt in my mouth and I know there's no turning back.
I disobeyed the monster. But he knew I was going too. That was all part of his plan.
Because I'm really not dissapointing the monster, I'm dissapointing myself.

Dear monster, please let me be.
Please go away. Why must you make it so hard for me to turn my back on you?
You give me so many promises that you know I won't keep.
You're a liar. You make me die more and more each day.
You take every little moment of happiness i have and replace it with thoughts of numbers, calories, to binge or not to binge, the closest place I can purge at, what I'll eat today and the next day and the day after that, lies Ill tell my parents, lies I'll tell the world, just to make you happy.

Why can't I let you go? I don't know why I can't see through your lies. Your empty promises are just all fiction, but I refuse to believe it. I always think there some good left in you, and that you'll some day leave me beautiful, to make up for all the bad things you did. I'm just waiting for that day to come.

I'm afraid I'll die waiting.