Idk how I feel most of the time

I just want someone to love me. To kiss me and stroke my hair and make me all better.

I need constant attention. I'm like a child.

My heart is physically hurting because the person I want to talk to the most isn't talking to me.

I've been falling back into my eating disorder honestly because of him. Nothing he did, it's just that he's busy a lot and can't talk to me. I feel so clingy and will send him multiple text messages. But wen I'm restricting I don't. I'm in control of my emotions. I don't care about a boy I care about calories.

Honestly I love how I feel when I'm restricting. It doesn't last long and I always end up binging and purging and I'm back to being clingy fucking mess again.

My therapist told me today that my friend was back. She was talking about my ED. Ugh. I don't want it back but idk. I'm not trying to push it away either.

I feel like I need to be skinnier for this boy. He's way too good for me.

This will be the only place I'll admit this but we have a different relationship dynamic. It's a dom/sub relationship.

I've always been interested in bdsm sexually but I want to live the lifestyle of it, so it's what I'm doing. He's my dom.

Which is why I don't want to disappoint him. I want to be pretty and sexy and skinny for him. We haven't done anything sexual yet but I think he would be repulsed if he saw my naked body.

I need to lose wait for him. I need to lose weight for myself. Honestly when I was restricting I didn't even care about him.... I didn't care about anything except calories and exercise.

I was okay with that.

I want to be skinny not just for boys to like me but because I would finally do something right. I need to do something correctly for a change.

What do I want, hm

I'm always filling this hole with something. This hole in my heart.

I'm a complete mess. I'm not a good person.

I don't know how I am. I put on an act.

I'm a disaster. My life is a disaster.

Can I just run away from life? Never look back.

I stay up till 4 for no reason and sleep till one for no reason. That will change soon.

I'm a bizzare not right person. I don't like myself.

I'm always trying to fill this hole, I don't think it can ever be filled permanently.

If you knew me oh my if you knew me

Darkness is all around, how do I get out?

You put me here. If you would of just stayed with me..... Of course I wouldn't of ever been happy or ever loved you because I never did love you.

I depend on a guy for my happiness.

I want out.