i have a boyfriend.

lol yay

im happy i guess.

I don't know i feel like im going to mess it up. lets hope i don't.

fasted today and 500 calories tomorrow. fun times.

don't have much else to say. so baii.

i can't do anything right

i make everyone upset, my parents, my friends, and any potential relationships i may have.

and I'm probably like 130 lbs which isn't even an exaggeration.

I'm cutting back my medicine because I'm going to switch to prozac because it's been said to help with bulimia.

ive been on zoloft for like 3 years now and now im getting off of it which is making me even more hormonal.

i've been ditching this super sweet guy for about a week now to hangout and to be honest i just dont wanna hangg out with him. I'm too fat and to sad. i just want to sleep.

i feel like crying cutting and purging. and most of all dying.

recovery

Eating 500-600 calories a day probably isn't recovering. but it's a start.

I'm not cutting cold turkey. I can't.

My goal is to eat breakfast lunch and dinner.

breakfast- milk to help the bones.

lunch- food with fiber in it.

dinner-salad.

I'm not going to let myself go lower than that.

and I'm trying my best not to binge or purge. two days so far, yay.

who the fuck am i

who was I ever
who have I become
I disgust myself
Im worthless.
I'm gross.
I'm ugly and fat and disgusting.

I don't want to live. I don't. I seriously just want to kill myself and pretend I never was alive.

how are people happy? I don't get it. I'm not. I'm a sad little girl. I'm only sixteen. But yet I know so much, I'm exposed to the cruel world. I know what others don't. I'm pitiful, waste of space, worse person ever. no one will ever love me. ever. why do people use me?

I have a guy that would treat me so good. But I don't like him. I'm trying to make myself like him and I'm just leading the boy on. I don't know what to do.

kill me. I don't want to deal with life.

I just want to die so badly right now

I didn't eat anything all day and my parents made me eat which made me binge.

they wouldn't let me go upstairs to purge.

i don't know what to do. I feel so upset. so worthless. I'm such a failure. I'm fat and disgusting and I'm going to gain so much weight.

I'm going to cut again tonight.

I want to die. I can't do this anymore! I have no strength to go on. I can't stop and I can't go on. what other options do I have?

I don't want to do anything. I want a snow day so badly tomorrow. I would be so happy. I don't want to go to school and act like I'm okay when I'm clearly not.

restricted all day

then i realized i went over my limit by 118 calories because i did the fucking math wrong.

so you know what i did? I binged. because 618 calories was too much for the day, so my all or nothing thinking tells me it's too late now might as well binge.

i was planning on having my binge day tomorrow but im prob gonna change that. idk. god i'm fat.

i hate the world. i hate everyone. i hate myself. i hate everyone for making me hate myself.

I just wish i could be a better person. I'm sick of hating myself. I don't even know what it feels like to like myself, because I don't think I ever have.

But then again I don't want to get better. I don't want to try to get better. If there was a simple button I could push that would make me happy and no eating disorder, i would push it. but theres not. it involves work. and I don't want to work at it. I don't want to go out of my comfort zone. maybe I need too......

I kinda just wanna give up on life.

I don't know...I'm sick of feeling never enough for anything.

I'm sick of caring what everyone has to say about me.

I'm sick of having no self esteem what so ever.

I'm sick of comparing myself to every fucking person.

I'm sick of debating whether I should eat or not, or binge or not.

I'm sick of putting on this fake smile.

I'm sick of letting every little thing bother me.

I'm sick of not being guys favorite.

I sick of me, and I'm sick of living.

I hate me. Oh my gosh I hate me. ugh. I hate living inside of this gross body. I'm so gross and I'm so awkward and I can't stand me.

I wish I was someone else.

I'm a lazy fat ugly stupid piece of shit.

I just want to die....

bingeing

sucks.

purging makes things better though.

it's like i have to purge no matter what i eat, my stomach can't take down food like it used to with out me wanting too throw up anyways.. is that bad?

i had to work today which i always get triggered to eat. so much food....

i get triggered by everything. i have no willpower it's disgusting.

I'm such a waste of person, a human being. I don't know what God was thinking when he made me. he shouldn't of ever made me. I suck as a person and I'm the most worthless person to ever set foot on the earth.

thats all.

why am I still up

it's almost 2:30 and I need to sleep. I have to be up in less than 5 hours.

looks like I'm gonna need a shit ton of caffeine tomorrow.

fasting tomorrow.

my stomach hurts from purging so much today.

oh well. i got my hair done. It doesn't look all that different but I like it. I got highlights and a couple inches cut off.

my life is such a mess, I wish someone could help me clean it up.

Dear monster.

(just to let everyone know, I don't personify my eating disorder and say things like Ana is my best friend, this is nothing like that. This is just describing the battle going on in my head."


The monster that lives in side of my head is the cruelest monster of them all.
He shows no mercy, just pain.
He feeds off my pain, my tears.
He wants to see me physically and mentally hurt.
He doesn't do me any good, for even I know that.
But, he lies and tells me that he can change my world.
He can make me happy, he can make me beautiful.
He'll show me how I can love myself.
But it comes with a price.
I have to give up food.
I'm not allowed to eat over the calorie limit he sets for me.
And if I just do that simple thing, he promises me I'll be lovely.
He swares to it.
That last for awhile, but he knows it won't last forever.
For he made this cycle, this cycle of madness, which doesn't lead me being happy for long.
I take one bite of a forbidden food.
The taste buds erupt in my mouth and I know there's no turning back.
I disobeyed the monster. But he knew I was going too. That was all part of his plan.
Because I'm really not dissapointing the monster, I'm dissapointing myself.

Dear monster, please let me be.
Please go away. Why must you make it so hard for me to turn my back on you?
You give me so many promises that you know I won't keep.
You're a liar. You make me die more and more each day.
You take every little moment of happiness i have and replace it with thoughts of numbers, calories, to binge or not to binge, the closest place I can purge at, what I'll eat today and the next day and the day after that, lies Ill tell my parents, lies I'll tell the world, just to make you happy.

Why can't I let you go? I don't know why I can't see through your lies. Your empty promises are just all fiction, but I refuse to believe it. I always think there some good left in you, and that you'll some day leave me beautiful, to make up for all the bad things you did. I'm just waiting for that day to come.

I'm afraid I'll die waiting.