Writing this on my iphone

Because I broke my computer. How you may ask? Well I got sloppy drunk and puked on it. Oddly I don't remember it at all, I just woke up and there was puke everywhere. Even on my bed shoes and computer.

I've been binging like crazy it's disgusting. Just had a god awful binge. I'm doing the abc diet dude. Tomorrow is November 1st, I can finish on December 20th. I'm not giving up this time! I'm fucking doing it if it kills me. I've done it before! 500 calories tomorrow, that isn't even that bad. I know I can do it, seriously.

Well I'm hanging out with this justin guy. I don't really wanna do anything but I'm shaving just incase, haha. He wants to smoke but I'm not feeling it.

Well I'm gonna hit the hay. I'll try to write tomorrow.

2 cookies.

I had 2 chocolate chip cookies today, they were delish. but thats all i ate.

320 calories.

i promised my therapist i would try to eat 1200 calories. tomorrow was gonna be the day I was going to do that.


but, i can't. i binged so much this week that i can't do it. I have so much failure to report to her. i cut, i didn't eat right, blah blah blahz.

I didn't go to school today because frankly I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't go acting like i was okay.

I'm going to get up early tomorrow and make myself look fucking beautiful.

all I'm living for right now, is to be skinny and pretty. I'll fucking do it if it kills me. I don't care about anything else.

i have the worse headace. I get such bad headaces from not eating. idc. i'm not eating. i'm not.

please let me die.

please. I just want to die. I can't live like this anymore.
I want someone to care. to love me. to hold me and kiss my tears away.

instead I'm a clingy bitch that is annoying as fuck. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm a worthless human being and I suck at everything I do. I suck at life. I just suck.

I'm the worse person to ever live. I'm ugly and fat and repulsive. everyone thinks I'm fat. everyone they're all looking at me like I'm huge. they can see my love handles. they know I'm gaining weight.

just make it stop. someone make this stop. I can't do it anymore. I can't. I just can't. I can't hold on any longer.

I'll never be good enough. ever. please. I can't make it anymore.

I'll never be loved. oh why can't a guy like me? god. I'm fucking pitiful.

I've seriously never hated myself so much. who the fuck is this person I've become and how the fuck do i get rid of her? as I'm typing this, I don't feel myself. I'm out of my body. this person, me, i don't know who she is.

fuck life. I can't do it

rules.

- mcdonalds. everything there. i don't trust that shit.
- nutella
- butterfingers
- cookie dough
- ice cream sandwiches
- bologna
- any kind of regular soda


I get one binge during a week. thats it. no more.

it's monday and I already had mine.

if I'm drinking I'm not aloud to eat that day.

must do workout in the morning and at night.

keep a food log of what you eat.

look at thinspo everyday.

get fucking skinny.

I'll prove everyone wrong

I just... I just want to be thin. it sounds so cliche but thats all I want right now. I honestly want that more than a boyfriend, or more than a boy for that matter. I just want to be skinny. I want to be so skinny. I don't want to eat anymore. I binged today but it's okay. I'm okay with it. I just don't want to eat.... I just want to be skinny.

idc about anything right now. all I can think about is being skinny.

I'm gonna take a nap....

oh yeah p.s

mom and dad could you stop fighting? even though im 16 years old it still makes me want to cry in a pillow.

and yes, I binged today.

i feel like i only write in my blog when I binge, haahha.

tomorrow I'm fasting. even though it's friday it shouldn't be too bad, since I have school, I'll just have water at lunch, and then I'm going to a haunted house later that night, and I'll just tell my friends I have to go home for awhile after school and I ate then.

crossing my fingers I don't give in.

because saturday I'm drinking. four lokos have fucking 700 calories in them. WTF. so screw it. im gettin fucked up.

uhm, so getting happier is doing so so. slowly but surely my friend. therapy is such a blessing. honestly, i can't believe my mom wouldn't put me in it for the longest time.

im just staying positive. trying to atleast. using my distress tolerence skills and all that jazz. i can do this.

well take care everyone. :)

sigh

I just want to be happy. how hard is that? :/

I want someone to hold me and make all the pain go away.

just keep swimming just keep swimming.

game plan, on being happy & healthy.

1. you must eat, breakfeast, lunch and dinner. doesn't matter how much or how little, just make sure you have 3 differ meals a day.
2. work on not binging. If you want to have something sweet cool eat it, just don't eat 10 candy bars.
3. Exercise everyday. Tuesdays and Thursdays you have dance so don't worry about it then.
4. make up a work out routine.
5. read your bible/have prayer time everyday.
6. Read your book everyday.
7. Do a self esteem exercise everyday.
8. Look over the handouts kristie gives you everyday.
9. do something productive everyday.
10. try not to lay around in bed all the time.
11. Get homework done.
12. actually try at school.
13. try your best to get more sleep.
14. don't forget to take your medicine.
15. clean the house everyday, or atleast the kitchen and living room.
16. weigh yourself every 3 days, not everyday.
17. be more open about things.
18. just, be positive. really, honestly don't let life get you down, stand up when everything is falling down. you can do this. you deserve this. it's your time to get happy. you have too. 

when I'm dead

when I'm dead; i'll be the most popular girl in the school.
when I'm dead; I'll finally start getting noticed.
when I'm dead; everyone that said mean things to me, will feel like shit.
when I'm dead; people will miss me.
when I'm dead; people will finally start to understand.
when I'm dead; I'll be dead.

things would be better off if I was dead.

i havent cut.

in a long time, it's been almost a month.

this is the longest it's been in a long time.



<3

I'm not okay.

I'm binged for like four days straight. I feel so big, I'm sure I've gained like a million pounds but I'm too scared to weigh myself.

I feel, I don't know. I can't tell you how I feel about myself. I hate being me, yes.
I want to die, but do I really? Who knows.

I've been wanting to cut so bad but I haven't. thats a good thing.

i wish I never had to drink or smoke or anything. I wish I made friends with good church going people who don't even cuss. i don't care about being popular.

I would be happy then. I would have god.
i could have god now but I care too much about what people think about me to do anything about it.

I need change. I need something positive. I don't know what to do. I can't wait till wedensday so I can talk to my therapist. I feel so positive when I go to her but then a day later I feel like shit.

I want to live and be happy. I want to do it. I'm going to do it.


I want to be fucking happy.