ohh jeez

I'm so fat. I just went on a two day binge spur. I'm fasting tomorrow.

I've gained a lot of control back in my eating disorder, really ever since i started dating danny things started to change. I don't know. I don't wanna eat when I'm with him. Like i do but i don't.

his ex girlfriend was really skinny which is a huge trigger for me. I feel like I need to be skinnier than her. I need to be prettier than her.

I think he still loves her. I think he wants me but he would go back to her if she really wanted him back.

I just really care about danny and I want him to be happy.

god I'm so freaking fat. I don't even wanna weigh myself. yuck. fasting tomorrow. yayz. me and my counselor talked about how going about eating, and we decided to just take it meal by meal. by not setting a calorie limit for the whole day, rather just for one meal. so just focus on one meal for the time and not focus on having a certain amount of calories.

it's like i want danny to know about all the things wrong with me, but I don't want to tell him. and I also don't want him to stop me.

i miss cutting. a lot.

i need to start reading again. sigh. I just want to get my life together. that's all.

i wonder if danny would still like me if he knew about how much of a nut job i really was. he has to some how suspect some of it. i mean come on, you can tell im a mess just by looking at me. and he's seen me naked, he's had to see all the scars on my legs, unless he's just stupid. lol.

idk. lifes not as bad with him i guess. i don't want a guy to make me happy but for the time being he keeps me living. maybe god does have a plan for me.

i want to die still. is that bad?