If you really knew me.

You'd be disgusted. I have secrets that I've never told anyone. Secrets that define who I am.

They ruin me. Make me different.

Drunken ramblings about my ex boyfriend

We were toxic me and you

We were never good together. We were so different. We were brought up in two different house holds and thought totally different. What was important to you didn't mean anything to me and vise versa.

Everyone wanted us to break up. We were the only ones that didn't see it. I hated you. You repulsed me. But I said I loved you..

Did I love you? I don't know. What is love? Someone tell me because I honestly don't know. When you care about someone? Because I cared a lot about you. I had this connection with you that I never felt with anyone else. Was that just because of sex? I don't know

How can someone explain to me how I feel if i don't even know

This is why I want to kill myself because of stupid ass shit like this that doesn't even matter and should not make a person want to kill themselves

But I just ate a lot of pizza rolls and drink a lot of beer so I probably gained more weight

I want to be fucking skinny again. Before I start college next semester dude I'm losing weight.

I hate myself and everyone around me. I want to die.

Is it weird that not even an hour ago I was afraid of getting old and dying and now I want to die?

I don't make sense. Someone lock me up I'm not sane

I have a headache and I'm drunk and I just want the pain to leave and I want someone to love me

Life right now

Is good one day and shit the next day.

Today was okay I ate normally, I didn't feel bad about it until now. I've restricted most of last week and binged and purged Saturday.

This is really awkward and weird to say but my eating disorder is like my boyfriend.
When I was dating someone I was pretty much recovered from my eating disorder. I still had slip ups but it was probably about 80% better. Now that I've been single for about four months, shit has hit the fan and I've been relapsing like a mother fucker.
When I'm not experiencing attention from a boy, I'm experiencing attention from my eating disorder.
Fuck my borderline persinality tendancies that make it impossible for me to be happy alone.
I want to lose weight but I want to do it in a healthy way. Every time I try to diet I just end up restricting. It's all black or white to me. If I eat a healthy amount I look at it as too much and decide to eat twice the healthy amount.
My anxiety has been bad lately. My heart hurts like my chest is literately in pain. I keep on replaying the stupid things I said this past week again and again. Ugh it never stops.
I want to cut so badly.
I'm the same girl as I was three years ago. It sucks.
I want to get better and then again part of me doesn't. It's messed up.
Honestly I wish I could just lay in bed for the rest of my life.

I need a friend. Email me. Kacibayley@yahoo.com