Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Haven't posted in so long.

It's crazy to see my old blog posts. To some degree they are almost cringe worthy.

I've grown up a lot since then. I'm a senior in college and have only one semester left and then I'm on to my internship! I work around 30-40 hours a week, and I am full on adulting.

I have a boyfriend, who I've been dating for almost ten months now. He's great.

I should be happy. I HAVE been happy for such a long time. But these past couple of months, I have felt myself sliding back into my old ways.

A couple weeks will go by and I'll be fine, but then a couple more will come and I'll feel out of control, crying all the time, angry towards my boyfriend, etc.

I can't believe Ken hasn't left me. I feel like I ask so much of him and all he does is love me. He is so good.

I put him up on this high pedestal and then when he doesn't reach my expectations I began to hate him. Like to the point I cannot stand him. In my head it seems rational, but when I start to talk about it it doesn't.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I was doing so good. I don't have time to be like this anymore. I am not a child. I am twenty one years old. By this time next year, I will hopefully have a real time job  with a degree in social work, helping people who had similar problems I had. I can't still be like this by then. I need to get it together. I'm not on antidepressants anymore. I'm not going to counseling. I've been debating about going down the road again.

My mom thinks I'm like this because of the new birth control I'm on. She could be right. I don't know though. I started taking it in the summer and I didn't start feeling like this probably until late September. She read a study that birth control can make borderline personality disorder worse. My mom looks way too much into things sometimes though.

I need to be on birth control so I'm hoping that's not it. I'm just over feeling like this.

Me and my boyfriend spend about 4-5 days a week with each other. I've decided it's for the best if we knock that down to about 3-4 days a week. I pay rent for my apartment and I barely even stay here because I'm always at his. Todays the first day in about 3-4 days I've stayed at mine. I'm going to stay here tomorrow as well. Maybe I just need to miss him some. I don't know.

We used to have sex like all the time, at least 2-3 times a week. Now we only have sex like once every other week. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it really does. I wonder if he's cheating one (there would be no way he could, he's always with me) or if he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He swears it's not any of those things and that I'm just thinking too much into things. But he does change the subject quite fast when I bring it up. He says it's just because that was puppy love. Idk. Sex just makes me feel closer to him, so when we don't have sex I don't feel as close and I get irritated with him more.

Does that mean I truly don't love him? I don't know, I don't think so. I could truly see my life with Ken. I would be happy and content with being with him for the rest of my life. I just can't describe it.

Why can't I ever just truly be happy for once? Things start to get better, and then my brain just decides to fuck everything up.

Maybe I just feel like this with him because I'm not happy myself and it's reflecting on my relationship. Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe he's the cause. I couldn't tell you. I don't want to break up with him, he's the only person I have here. I love him. I do. Maybe we just need some time apart. not like breaking up, just not hanging out. I need to do some soul searching.

I love Ken. Typing this all out really makes me come to that conclusion. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I just need to snap out of this and grow up. I don't have time to be like this. I'm on my period so maybe it'll pass in a week. Who knows. All I know is this is exhausting.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Things to leave in 2015

-ex boyfriends
-boys who are friends but not really
-being fat
-giving a fuck
- Steven again bcuz fuck him
- negativity
- feeling like shit about yourself
-any guy that is currently in your life

Thursday, July 30, 2015

I'm old and still doingg this shit lol

I forgot about this blog lol

It's been so long since I've wrote

I was really happy but then my ex started contacting me so idk

I've been drinking heavily and doing coke

So I'm sad

But I'm leaving for a new college in a few weeks

Im not sure if I want to leave. I mean I guess I do.

But what is the point of life? Seriously?

It's 7 am and I'm still fucked up

And I seriously don't Even know why

I'm dumb and so if life

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

I hope my pillow that I left at your house smells like me. I hope you find pieces of my hair in your bed. I hope when you're doing laundry you'll find my shirt. I hope when you open your bathroom cabinets you find my toothbrush. I hope you'll find my shampoo and body wash in your shower and youll breath in it's smell. I hope you see my pictures on social media. I hope your mom asks about me and asks why you left me when I was the only girl that truly ever cared. I hope you realize what a mistake you made, and when you finally realize it, I'll be long gone.

You always want what you can have but honey you can not have me.


Part of me wants to be self destructive and part of me wants to get my shit together. What part shall I listen to?

Steven broke up with me and were done but it's a good thing it just hurts like hell.

I cut myself :/ and I want to cut more. And get drunk and kill myself

I haven't ate today at all and I feel fine. I just don't care about anything right now


Kinda wanna kill myself

I won't but it sounds very nice

I've been off my medicine for about a month now because I thought I was doing good and I could do good without it but apparently not.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I'm way over my head. I just don't want to do this anymore.

I haven't cut in like a year but it sounds so nice right now

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I'm sad lately. Haven't took my anti depressants in weeks so that probably has something to do with it.

I cried pretty hard today.

I'm dating a guy who I like but I don't think I want to be with him.

It's moving too fast.

I like him but he tells me he loves me and yeah I say it back but I don't mean it

But like it's like I'm too far gone I can't change my mind

I was doing so good. Boys are always what fuck me up.

Mynor has been talking to me. Shhhwhat