binged and purged

i b/p today. sighz. i was planning on fasting but then i had to babysit, and you know kids and there delicious food... haha. so i ate....

-3 small bowls cheezy popcorn.
-7 starburs.
- granola bar
- brownie
- 4 swiss rolls.
- fruit snacks
- idk what there called. there like chessy quafers or somthing? yeah a whole bag of that.
- and some chocolate popcorn.


TALK ABOUT FAT ASS. my laxatives kicked in early last night for once. it was like the worst cramping of my life. i didnt even crap that much. i was pissed.

i made 45 dollars from babysitting! woohoo. im prob gonna blow it all on cigs and alcohol. i get my weed free so no worries about that. lol. hopefully i dont spend it on food.

goal for tomorow:500 sit ups. 100 in the morning- 100 after church- 100 at 3:00-100 at 7:00 - 100 before bed.

blech. my fat tummy repulses me. i weighed myself at the house i babysit for because they have one of those digital scales and i dont. it said 121.4. i feel like ive gained though. even though i did purge everything up.

I'm just gonna take it as it comes with eating tomorrow. I'm just gonna count calories. say no to food when I need too. pay attention to serving size. hopefully no more than 800 calories.

I haven't cut in almost two weeks! I'm so proud of myself. hopefully I go longer. I know I can. I don't need to cut.

so, i've been thinking about recovery lately for my ED. idk. I'm sick of binging and purging. but I would still be gladly to eat 500 calories a day, and thats not healthy either. so It's like I would just be handing my bulimia over for anorexia. sometimes I wish I was anorexic. I know that's fucked up. I don't know, I used to eat so little and never have a problem. now all I do is binge, and it's hard for me to eat 800 calories. thats fucking a lot. I just need to have some willpower. I don't like binging and purging. but if I said I was gonna recover, then I should be eating healthy too. 1200 calories seems like a binge to me honestly. whenever I eat over 1000 calories I just call it a binge. I don't know.

well, I'm done here. duces!

lol, sorry.

I probably annoy all of you because I'm such a whiny bitch and always talk about how much I hate my life and I act like such an emo kid. lolz. just ignore like 95% of my posts because there all pretty much negative.

BUT THIS ONE IS NOT. THIS IS GONNA BE A HAPPY POST YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!

mo fuckin rainbows. because that just screams happy.

because you can't look at kittens and not smile.

LOL WUT??

Sorry if you like him, just had to do it bro.
 okay one more.

mwhahahhahahahah

some more random shit.

what I want to do?

I want to fucking binge. I was eat everything in sight. just never stop eating. and then, purge it all up. sound super fun right?


no. that's not the way to be skinny. I need to restrict restrict restrict. I'm going to consume calories in a four loko tonight, so im not planning on eating anything else for the rest of the day.

360 calories so far today. ive been so exhausted.

god, i want to binge so bad. food sucks. but i love it.

maybe I'll eat so fruit? i dunno.

well, theres not much else to say. august 1st- august 3rd I'm going to Joplin Missouri to volunteer and help all the people down there from the tornado they had. I think it's a good thing, I'm worried about eating though. I'm gonna be out in the hot sun, I'm gonna have to eat somthing.

ugh. well. I'm done here. hopefully thin comes back up soon.

not to bad i guess

830 calories. a lot, but i lost 3 pounds in water weight from laxatives. woot.

My therapist quit. :/ she was the one that was helping me make positive changes in my life. I'm not an emotionally strong person, so this hurts.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I honestly don't.

don't have much else to say. soyeah.

some top of the head poetry.

the times I don't feel like I have the right words to say, I can describe it in poetry. im not all that good at it, but i like doing it. so here,we go.

days turn into weeks,weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
fake smile turns into blank expressions, as blank expressions turn into tears.
the curtains are closing on the show I always put on
I'm finally running away, I'm finally going to be gone.

spare me reality, I'm better with these dreams.
but sometimes there frightening nightmares, as it oddly seems.
the dreams are when I can walk, without making a sound.
and the nightmares are of me weighing more than 130 pounds.

where did my self esteem go? It's nowhere in my sight.
I pray for God to help me find it, I pray for it every night.
they tell me the image I have of me is morphed, that it's all in my head.
but if I knew that was the case, I surely wouldn't want to be dead.

so now you know my secrets, and why my fake smile is no more.
you know that depression runs through me to the bottom of my core.
I'm fighting this tough battle with no emotion on my face.
I'm just trying to find reassurance, in this dark of a place.

 

hey fat fuck

binged. couldn't purge. took laxatives.

me hate laxatives.

two days in a row of binging

someone tell me why i suck so bad?

i need self control. i have it in me, it used to be so strong. food used to scare me. I would never wanna eat it. now it's like if my dads like "you want mcdonalds?" im like hell yeah and eat like two big macs and a large fry. lol

i think im gonna take a nap. it's only 3:30 in the afternoon, i woke up at eight today for dance and usually ima asleep right now. gahh.

tomorrow, 500 calories! I WILL DO IT. I PROMISE YOU.

too scared to weigh myself. not weighing myself until i don't binge. I'm prob like 127 ish by now. oh god i would cry.

why did i take laxatives? I HATE THEM. oh well I deserve the pain.

my friends want me to hang out tonight, but i have a feelin ima have a pretty "shitty" night if you know what i mean,lol. so idk if ima go out or not. im probably gonna be depressed if i end up staying here, but idk. oh well. hopefully the laxatives kick in before the morning, because that would suck. im probably gonna eat somthing when i wake up from my nap so they get to a going.

i miss thin. wahhh.

I'm gonna go write on peoples blogs.

toodle loo.

i want to b/p

my dad made some angel food cake. nom nom nom. smells delish. i tried a bite of it, but just a bite.

if i was to go downstairs, I would eat that whole cake, macoroni and maybe some pancakes with peanut butter.

but i wanna be skinny remember? so I'm not going downstairs. I'm up to 123. thats disgusting.

I'm tired which is kind of odd, since it's 12:30 and usually i dont fall asleep till 3, and i took a fatty nap today.

I'm not going to take my medicine tonight, when  I take it on an empty stomach it feels like its stuck in my throat and i fucking hate it.

Why was it so easy to lose ten pounds in two weeks a couple months ago, but not all I do is find myself binging and purging?

I need more self control. I have it in me, I know I do. I'm going to do this. no more binging and purging.

300 calories tomorrow. lets do this brah.

i dont even know what I'm saying

it isn't about me anymore. this is my life. wake up, smile, slap on a face of makeup and pretend to be someone your not.


i will starve to perfection.


today will be the fucking last day I binge and purge. who needs fucking food? honestly. I will be skinny. I will be skin and bones. I will be tiny.

I want to be perfect. I want to be breathtakingly gourgeous. I wanna feel beautiful.

I know if I would just give my life completely to God I would be happy. somewhere deep down inside me knows that. I don't want to give up smoking and drinking. I don't.

fuck my eating disorder. I know the only way to recover from it is to go to god. I love Jesus, don't get me wrong. I just.. I'm not good enough for him. I can't give my all to him. I'm to selfish.

my binge today was crazy. ugh.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut.

I hate living. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never wake up. god I fucking hate me.


I want to be perfect.

longest fucking blogpost ive prob ever wrote, about the randomest shit.

Body dismorphic disorder? nah im just ugly

I took an online test and i marked yes for all of the following. my mom has BDD. I guess I've been noticing some of my same symptoms in her.

but, I'm just ugly. seriously. you don't have to tell me I'm not, I am. I might look alright in one of the pictures on here or on thin or pt, but thats because it was after like the millionth time. I'm really ugly. I have had plenty of people tell me, i'm ugly. it's not a secret, I just am.

Am I okay with it? No. I'm planning on getting plastic surgery when I'm older. a nose job and a boob job, maybe a face lift. and a tummy tuck. who knows.

I've eaten 650 calories today, tomorrow I will be doing the same. AND I WILL EXERCISE CONTINUOUSLY FOR ATLEAST A HALF AN HOUR. i never exercise when I tell myself too, but I'm determined.

my mom was crying to me today how she thought she was so ugly and how she thinks my dad hates her and how she just wants to die. I wish I could feel sorry for my mom, I really do. and don't get me wrong, I do to an extent. I just have this bitterness I guess against my mom. I wish she would of told me I was so so so so pretty. I wish she would of told me she wouldn't change a thing about me. I wish she would of told me I didn't need to lose a single pound. I wish she would of told me I was perfect just the way I was.

but, she didn't. she does now since I've lost 30 lbs and gotten a hair cut, but not when I was fat. oh no. she told me she would pay me money to lose weight.

it's not her fault. shes severly depressed and has bdd. she can't help it. I just wanted a mommy who would of kissed my boo boo's away and told me I was perfect.

I love my mom. I do. she really tries to help me the best of her ability. I know if I was having a bad day, she would give her full attention. she is a good mom.

she just.... is sick. it's not her fault. she just is. and I'm a terrible kid for even being bitter about it, because it's NOT her fault. I should of just realized "okay, moms sick. she doesn't know what shes saying".

im hungry. I really would like to binge right now, but thats out of the question. I have to get to 110 by when school starts, I HAVE TO.

I'm so bored. none of my friends ever wanna do anything so I just have to stay at home and do not shit. I'm sick of being a hermit crab. :/

I wish I had a boyfriend. there i said it! I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. I want a guy who cares about me. I want a guy who will kiss me on my forehead and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I want a guy I can totally open up to and he'll understand. I want a guy who wont just wanna have sex with me. Who wouldn't even bring it up until I said somthing about it. I want a guy who loves me for me, not the girl I pretend to be. someone who will tell me all day that I'm beautiful. I'll never find a guy like that I guess.

I used to have a guy like that. 7th grade. CJ baker. It took me two years to get over him. to this day I sometimes think about him, and theres a place in my heart that is still hurt by him. he used to tell me repeadetly I was beautiful. we dated for ten months. wah wah wah.

he broke my heart. he called me fat, ugly, whatever you name it. one of the big triggers for my ED. I attempted suicide that year. that was a bad bad year. he would tell all his friends how disgusting I was but then tell me when it was just me and him that he loved me still.

he has a new girlfriend now. shes skinny. and when I say skinny, I mean super skinny, like 90 lbs skinny. she eats whatever she wants too. shes attractive i guess. she has big ears, but she hides it. shes one of those girls that are so rich that they can make there selves look like a fucking goddess. they have been dating for about a year now, and he seems to love her, and she seems to love him. it doesn't bother me I guess. I mean somtimes I catch myself creeping on there facebook and look at there wallposts between eachother saying i love you and such.

I'm glad I'm not with CJ. Him as a person is someone I am not attracted to at all. When I was in love with him (or was I? I was only in 7th grade) I thought he was freaking perfect. but now, I see all his flaws.
-he's really skinny. you know how fucking bad I would feel about myself if I had a boyfriend who was skinnier than me?
-he's your perfect example of a douche bag tool. he tries to get people to laugh at him when he's not even funny.
-he's such a turn off to me. he is everything I don't want in a guy. I want to be able to talk about whatever I want with a guy, not just a few selective topics...
-he will never be happy with what he has. I heard awhile ago that he cheated on the girl he's with now, with a girl who, well lets face it, is a geek. he did it because he could. he did it because he felt cool doing it.
- he thinks hes cool, but hes not. end of story.

I HATE DUDES LIKE THAT.

I got a new kitty today! yay. we havent named him yet. he wont replace my old cat benny though.





I WANT TO EATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT :(

four hundrey and forty five

woot woot! had 445 calories today. the last two days i eneded up binging. took laxatives, which I rarely do because I hate them so much. had to skip dance because i had the case of the shits. lolololololol.

650 calories tomorow. pretty high, but i dont want to binge.

im feeling sort of better. yesterday was tough, i got so angry at my friends yesterday, for not even that big of a reason, somthin that was expected. its whatever though.

i wanna go upstairs, but my dad wont let me. wahh :(

fmlfmlfml.

im gonna get rid of all my razors and such. prob gonna do that soon. the urge is too triggering i cant even deal with it anymore.

i cut.

i fucking fail.


can I please just die already?

sweet sweet suicide.

is all i long for right now.


i binged. like so much pizza. couldn't purge it, so i took laxatives. dunno when there gonna kick in, but I know I'm gonna regret taking them. like honestly. ugh. fml. im so fucking fat. im gross. i wish i could die. i need a fucking ciggarette. badly. im about to just smoke in my bathroom, fuck it. ugh.... can i please just die? i hate living. like honestly. exsisting sucks.

happiness  doesn't exist.

sadness. all around. it's like a deep black hole I can't dig myself out of. it's all I think about. is just depressing thoughts.

I can't even be with people without thinking "do they think I'm ugly? ew I better hide my face because there gonna be appauled. You shouldn't talk to them because there just gonna think your ugly. suck in you fat ass. no one wants to see your fat rolls. why can't you look like all the other girls? there skinny, pretty, everything your not. you'll never compare to any of them. never. so just stop trying. you suck. you should just die"



all i wanna do, is just die. you don't understand. I'm done fighting. I can't do it anymore.

I need a fucking ciggarette.

119.

I've broken the 120's. Idk how long it will stay like that, I'm just praying it'll be even smaller tomorrow. I started the skinny girl diet yesterday, and the cool thing about that is you can eat as much fruit and veggies as you want and not count them! woot. so if I ever break into starving mode, I can eat some healthy shtuff :D

When the diet is over it'll be the first day of school, I'm hoping I'll be atleast 105 by then, at the most 110. I know I can make it to 110. 100 is my ugw but since 110 is still actually healthy I'm going to see if I'm happy. 106 is the lowest I can go and still be healthy. If I'm not happy by that then I'll get down to 100. hopefully I'm happy with 100, because even though my mind tells me that 90 lbs is beautiful and will make boys like me, I've heard otherwise. It's so werid how I think these skinny girls who i used to find gross looking now seem like so beautiful.morphed mind. blech.

I'm pretty hungry. I might eat some veggies, I dunno yet. going to have people over to swim later. yayayayayay. see ya.

I can't do anything right

I feel like I pretty much fail at everything. honestly. I can't stand who I am. I've been so utterly depressed lately I don't know what to do.

I wish I was just, pretty. I was just perfect. I wish I had some self-worth and some mother fucking self confidence. I wish I wasn't so god damn selfish. You know there kids in africa who's biggest worry is if they can find food today? and yet I'm so fucking self absorbed into my looks. god. I disgust myself.


I've been thinking more and more about suicide. just fucking doing it. just fucking not caring who gives a fuck about me. but that would be selfish. I don't want to be selfish. I want to be perfect.


I wanna be flawless in every sense of the word. I wanna have the perfect body and the perfect face. I wanna be cute. I want to be loved. all I've ever wanted was just to felt genuinely cared about by a boy. I want someone to kiss my forehead and tell me I'm beautiful. I want love. I want to feel it deep in my bones. I want it. I thrive for it. I want fucking attention.

I want someone to want me, to notice me, to like me, to love me, to hold me, to kiss me, to miss me.


I'm disgusting.

Bingebingebingebinge

Eat purge eat purge. Why do I suck so much?

I hate living.

yoyoyoyoyoyo

@KILLA KRISTEN. it wont let me reply to your comment, but i sent you a message because I can't look at your blog! :( when I go to it it says I don't have permission to read this because I'm not an adult or some shit. I'm really upset because I wanna read it. wahhhhh :(

so anyways, I binged today badly. twice. in the morning i purged but i didnt tonight, nothing would come up. im fasting tomorrow.

PRETTYTHIN FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. there basically kissing james feet over there, yuckedyyuckyuck.

im really pissed at myself for binging. it just happened. im going to fast tomorrow though for sureee.

don't have much else to say, mainly just wanted to post so kristen would see this. :D duecess!

Yaaay

managed to reach my goal of 600 calories today. ALMOST BINGED ON BROWNIES, BUT I DIDNT! YAAAAAAAAAAY! i was so happy you have no idea. it took everything in me not too, because brownies are so delish, but i didn't! I'm at 121, hopefully shrinkinng!

*yawn* so tired. I should work more on the layout of my blog since it looks like poop, but I'm too lazy. haha, maybe tomorrow?

so glad that I'm on thin now! (thehelpIneed.webs.com) so supportive and wonderful. so done with the fucking dictatorship on PT. i seriously loved that site, but just in a few days it changed and got horrible. the site owner literately doesn't give a fuck about anyone on there. he just wants money and publicity. he doesn't care about eating disorders or any of it. if he did,he would of understood where everyone was coming from.

im hungry, but its not botherin me! haha.

well im gonna hit the hay, gonna start commenting on some blogs tomorrow, my goal is to be more active. :D

PT sucks

The leader james is like fucking hitler. considering leaving, I just need support, and don't know where else to go. :/

had 800 calories today, it's a lot but im trying to get out of the binging cycle. tomorrow will be 600 calories.


don't have much to do, no plans for tonight. im prob gonna try to make my blog look all shnazzy, after looking at all yours i get so jealous :)

lolwut

sister caught me purging today. talk about awkward. she told my parents. she also said that she thinks PT made me start doing it. lol alright.

just bingedd hella. brownies, chips, and mac and cheese. purged in the shower. thats prob my new spot.

buuuuuuut, i'm going to stop b/ping. (lol well ima try) for real hardcore. i hate it. everytime i do it im just like "yuck food" but then 5 hours later BAM i do it all again.

jgsidojfisfhjsi. why can't I just be skinny like all the other girls? like honestlyy i wish i didnt have to work for this shit. i wish i was just perfect.

the girls i use to look at and think there skeletons now look like fucking goddess's to me. I guess when someone called me out on that today it kinda made me realize that my perception of beautiful has been fucked up.

ask me a couple of years ago if I would wanna look like some of those girls I would of said "hell no, there to skinny." but now all i see is beauty, pure perfection. with there thigh gaps and there flat tummys. I prob look like a lesbo just admiring all the skinny girls I see but its whatever.

my tummy hurts from purging too much, i feel like dizzy. i mean i usually feel dizzy but usually it stops, but it hasn'tt. hopefully ill die or sumtin LOLZJK DOO.


sister is right now lecturing me about PT as I'm typing this. nigga she trippin

so carlton texted me wanting to hang outt idk what to say... i dont really want too. maybe i should just throw out the cold shoulder? i mean hey its summer i dont have to see him anymore. if i hang out with im gonna do shit with him. everyone i talk to about it with other people there just like "dont do it" but i cant.

i have cuts all over my legs too not attractive.

kkkkkk im done here man byeee!bl

b/p on repeat.

tried to do the master cleanse but ended up binging and purging. blech.


i hatee my fat self. yuck. I fail at everything.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not. as much as I want too, I'm not.

I never ever ever ever wanna eat again.


dfdfmosdifkdsmfksfkldsflkdsfjkfd. ugh. I hate myself.

.

I feel as if I need to love myself. I need to accept who I am and what I look like. I don't even know where to begin with that. Honestly loving myself just seems like a foreign language. I feel as if I don't deserve to love myself. I feel as if I would love the way I looked I would just be another ugly girl that think shes hot shit but shes not. I feel I would be cocky. I feel like I don't deserve it honestly. Someone like me shouldn't be loved by any one, esspecially not herself.


But, I want to love me. I want to. I feel as if I shouldn't, but I want too. I feel as if I don't deserve it, but I want too. how do I get somthing I shouldn't have? How do I get somthing I don't deserve? How?

I don't know. I just don't. I don't know where to begin with anything.


I'm see my therapist tomorow at 11. Hopefully my regular one is back, I miss her. shes gonna be dissapointed I've rellapsed into cutting.


I wish I was skinny. the end.

b-e-autiful

beautiful-

1. Pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.

2. Of a very high standard; excellentthis is what is consider beautiful, by the way. I typed in google, "what is beautiful" I show you what I found in my research.

  Prototypic female face of high attractiveness                                                                                               Prototypic female face of low attractiveness
                                                                                                                               ("unsexy face")
("sexy face")                                                                     

Characteristic features of the female "sexy face" in comparison to the "unsexy face":

• Suntanned skin 
• Narrower facial shape 
• Less fat 
• Fuller lips 
• Slightly bigger distance of eyes 
• Darker, narrower eye brows 
• More, longer and darker lashes 
• Higher cheek bones 
• Narrower nose 
• No eye rings 

• Thinner lids 

well, lets see how I match up, shall we?

1.suntanned skin- well I'm pale as a ghost. so next.
2.narrower facial shape-hmm well lets see. I never really examined what kinds of face I have. I would say its more ovalish, so nope.
3.less fat-ha ha ha ha.ha. well my bmi is at a healthy range. but I still feel fat as fuck. so idk about this one. one might say I'm normal. but I'm not thin, or atleast I don't feel thin.
4.fuller lips- deff not. My lips are as small as they come.
5.slightly bigger, distant of eyes- my eyes are pretty small actually. i guess theres a distant between them? im not sure.
6. darker narower eyebrows- my eye brows are blond. there also sort of bushy right now, so nada.
7.more longer, darker lashes- without mascara, My eye lashes are blond. so nope.
8.higher cheek bones- well in my opinion, I feel as if there not high. but idk if thats accurate, just my opinion.
9.narower nose- my nose is long, it's not fat, it's just long. I hate my nose. I have a bump on it. so I wouldn't consider it beautiful.
10.no eye rings- You mean black circles? well I got those. next.
11.thinner lids.-like, eye lids? to be honest, I'm not sure. I guess so?

so, in the worlds perception, I'm unattractive. does this phase me? No. why not? why doesn't a girl with such low self esteem get sad after hearing this?

because sad thing, I already knew this. I'm not attractive.

I don't have BDD, or eating disorder, or anything. science proves I'm ugly.

this is all.

well hello there

FIRST OFF. I wanted to comment back what RavenKat14 said, but for some reason blogger is not letting me do it, grr. anyways, I really appreciate what you said, and I'm glad you can see where I was coming from, because I thought most people wouldn't understand. and thank you very much, it means a lot. xoxoxo.


so anyways back to blog. yesterday I walked/danced in the vp parade in st louis and ended up passing out and throwing up. it was bad. i had like 15 people around me pouring water on me. i legit had everything against me.
1. was hungover
2. only slept for like two hours
3.didn't eat anything
4. on my period
5. IT WAS LIKE HOT AS FUCK.

lol. but yeah it sucked. my party sucked too. i had a bad drunk. i thought like everyone was out to get me and everyone was talking about me. it was the scariest thing of my life, I just made myself go to sleep. it sucked. my birthday is in two days. yay for being 16.

I did somthing stupid today. I've been doing it for a long time, and I'm not going to say what it is, because no one knows. But lets just say this time I did it it really could of led to ruining my life. I was going to do it today. I was gonna end it all. I called kuto and told them the deep secret, they didn't know much to say. It just helped crying it out and talking I guess. I don't want to think about what happened. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk about it. but I doubt anyone would be able to understand. So I'm done...

I b/p today. I prob will tomorow too. for my birthday, I'm just gonna try to be happy and eat whatever.

I hate how fat I am. I'm getting huge. my sister caught me purging today. I just lied and lied but she didn't believe me. whatever.

I'm out baiiii