i dont want to recover

i have to... i have to at least try. i can't just pretend recover.

it's just so fucking hard. i just cut because i couldn't purge or fast today because of my fucking parents.

i think i may have irritable bowel syndrome which can be caused by bulimia. so it really upset my parents so now theyre being all ape shit crazy and making me eat in front of them and not go upstairs to purge. there trying to act like i wanna be like this.

i wish motherfuckers would just leave me alone. i know they care i know but i dont want them too. i can do this by myself i don't need there help. i just want to be left alone. i wont eat. fine. fuck it. I have so much will power i don't need to binge and purge. ill go back to lying to them. ill put out dirty dishes so theyll think i ate. i'm gonna fast for three days. i need to cleanse myself.

i cut today. i don't wanna discuss it.

i told danny somewhat about my problems, just that i go to counseling and i take medicine for depression. he seemed to understand and said he went through that "stage" lol. i dont think i wanna tell him anything more.

another thing my moms trying to threaten me not to see him if i don't start eating better. fuck that bitch. ill do what the fuck i want.

i need to get to sleep. i went home from school yesterday because i had diareha, like the kind i get from laxatives. which is why i might i have IBS because it said to switch from being constipated to having diarrea. lol. my pooper is messed up.

oh well. fuck everything. only thing i need is danny. he's such a sweetie.