Torn

I'm torn between wanting to make something out of my life or just destroying it.

I want to be happy and shit it's just I don't really know how.

Like I could eat healthy 1200-1300 calories and exercise. Clean my room and decorate it cute.

But I start to get obsessed and part of me just wants to eat 500 calories. If I can't be pretty I might as well be skinny.

David is going to see me in a few weeks and I'm really fat so I want to lose weight fast because he's going to see me naked. I'm fucking repulsive.

I know eating disorder = bad
Healthy eating = good

I just get too obsessed ugh it's always all of nothing.

I know what I need to do to be happy.

1. No boys right now.
2. Find god
3. No drinking/smoking
4. Eat healthy, none under 1200 calories
5. Go on walks
6. Spend time with family.
7. Stop cussing.
8. No porn or any sexual things.

I just need to give up the things that feel good in the moment.

I can't though. I'm so weak.

I don't want to give up David, even though he's not going to lead me closer to where I want to be.

So I guess I'm going to try to restrict for a little until I just see David so I can lose this weight, then I'll go back to healthy eating.

David is the only guy I can have any kind of relationship with. Turn down all other guys

Read bible everyday/pray everyday.

I can't stop cold turkey with everything but I'm going to try.

Part of me things I'm an alcoholic I always want to drink, and when I can't drink I get upset.

I'm so ugly Ughh my underbite is digusting

I have a fat face and fat legs and fat everything

Lol I'm so ADD.

Someone help me

None of this even makes sense lol

It's like I want to be happy and I know the things I do ultimately won't make me happy but I can't stop doing them.

Every time I leave counseling I'm always down to change my life but shit never happens. I suck so much.

Boys will never make me happy. Why can't i just accept that.

He has so much charm but he's not good. He doesn't want me he wants someone else and he wants to make me her.

I'm too fat for him and I'm not physically fit for him and he wants to meet up with me but I don't want him to see me naked.

Can I just maybe ignore him until he goes away? It's what I do best.

But part of me doesn't want him to go away.

I don't know if I want a d/s relationship anymore. Sex is great but I really don't know if it's healthy for me.

And this is when I get suicidal because I just don't wanna deal with any of it anymore