been at home for the past two days

half because I actually am kind of sick.
the other half? I fucking hate life and hate school and the people that are there, and I'd rather sleep all day than go.

but, for real my throat has been killing me and purging has just been making it worse. I'm fasting for the next two days since my fat ass decided to binge all day. I'm gonna be at school so hopefully that'll distract me from eating.

some girl I know in real life found my tumblr....... and she started following me.

first off, WHAT THE FUCK. how the FUCK did she find me? with the billions of users on tumblr, she finds mine? what are the fucking odds? I'm just seriously baffled. I haven't told anyone in real life my tumblr or anything. i even googled my fucking name and it didn't come up. my url doesn't even have my name in it. I saw on her tumblr that she reblogged some things that I reblogged from other people, so i guess she saw my url that way, but fucking still. what are the odds.

second, makes me wonder if she has an eating disorder. i don't think she does because I looked through her tumblr and it just looked like a normal teens tumblr. I mean there where some questionable things, but all teenagers worry about looks and such. she didn't have anything that directly led me to believe there was anything wrong with her. I wanted to see her followers and the people she follows, but it didn't show up on her page. if anyone knows how to find that, I'd gladly appreciate it if they would tell me.

thirdly, i blocked her but that doesn't mean what has been done hasn't been done. if she asks me I'm gonna act like I don't know what shes talking about and say that I don't even have a tumblr. I'm also gonna say that someone must of stole my pics from online or some shit.

BUT, if shes all like "i have an eating disorder too i wont tell anyone" then maybe we can come best friends or somthing, but i doubt thats gonna happen.

shes a really nice girl, shes homeschooled and im good friends with her brother. im just praying she wont tell anyone.

but if she does, and somehow the school finds out, I am going to kill myself, make no doubt about it.

it's 12:30, i should prob try to sleep or somthing of the liking. toodles.

ugh

i havent ate anything today and all i want to do is go downstairs and eat pizza.

but I'm not going too. I have too much control for that.

I'm sick of my eating disorder.seriously. I just want to eat whatever I want but not binge. it fucking sucks dick.

my head hurts. i need to find my work uniform but i can't fucking find it. i don't feel like looking for it and i don't feel like doing anything actually. I'm cold.

I have to go to school tomorrow. fuck. i hate school.

I'm stressed the fuck out. I really need to find my uniform. I've looked all over my house for like two days and can not find it.

i want to cut but i wont. i want to binge but i wont. i want to die but i wont.

i'm sick of living this way. seriously. I don't even know what to do anymore.

im just sayin you could do better.

i want someone to love me.

someone to hold me.



i need to stop getting drunk all the time. makes me depressed

drunk

and i want to sleep


fuckkkk. im fat. ive been binging like crazy and i just want to die.

5th day without binging!

Yay had 800 calories today. Tomorrow I'm having 1000. And then saturday will be my binge day, and then sunday I'll fast! Yayayay. Idk how much I weigh honestly I'm gonna guess and say 120. My scales shitty so I never trust it. I'm not that hungry, I'm a little hungry but not starving. Tomorrow I'm going out to eat and getting this spaghetti that's 666 calories (hahaha I know odd but that's what calorie counter said) I'm going to the pasta house which you've prob never heard of cuz its only in the st Louis area but anyways I can't find any of there nutritional facts so I have to go to calorie counter which you can't always trust because it was made by other people! #frustration. Oh well. I don't wanna drink tomorrow because that's just extra calories. I'm just gonna tell then no since I have to drive. Well nothing big going on I guess. I'm hanging in there. Well see ya folks later.

woah der.

ive been doing pretty good eating wise. (or bad whatever) i fasted on monday, had 200 calories yesterday, and 400 today! i can't beleive i have not ruined it all and binged. for once im sort of kind of proud of myself.

tomorrow 600 calories. next 800, then 1000, then, binge day! sweet.

thanksgiving, im gonna eat whatever. im so excited.

god im cold. blech.

almost passed out at dance after running two laps....hahah.

i need to stop smoking cigs....oh wellz.

500 cal today.

and exercise. im waiting for my laxatives to pass. oh fun.

i have to work at 4. my dad took my phone because he found a pack of cigs in my purse.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat.

my parents buy all the food i love, like chocolate brownies? srsly? fuck.

i have a fever blister. now people are reallly gonna think i have herpes. fml.

ugh. I'm sick of living.

wow

im like 130 lbs.




wow. ive gained so much. this is pitiful.

if i wasn't ugly.

if i wasn't ugly i wouldn't be the ugly ones out of my friends.
if i wasn't ugly people would notice me instead of courtney and carolann.
if i wasn't ugly i would get more guys to like me.
if i wasn't ugly people wouldn't always tell me i was ugly.
if i wasn't ugly guys wouldn't push by me without saying "exscuse me"
if i wasn't ugly someone would love me.
if i wasn't ugly i wouldn't have to let go of my values.

don't you dare try to tell me I'm pretty. because I'm not. the whole world thinks I'm ugly. I'm pale. I'm fat. I have a big nose. I have pimples. I have small boobs and a small ass. I have small lips and small eyes. My body is un-proportioned.


i look like a fucking monster.

Don't fuck with a girl;

Who already is fucked up in the head to begin with. Who already feels like no one loves her. Who already starves herself and makes her throw up. Who cuts herself and is always reminded about how much she is worthless. Who already hates the world enough. Who already feels like she's not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, and just not enough. Who already wants to die, and has came close Many times.

But most of all, you never know if what you did to her could of been the last straw. The last time shes been fucked over, and she can finally say goodbye to this cruel world.