Body dismorphic disorder? nah im just ugly
I took an online test and i marked yes for all of the following. my mom has BDD. I guess I've been noticing some of my same symptoms in her.
but, I'm just ugly. seriously. you don't have to tell me I'm not, I am. I might look alright in one of the pictures on here or on thin or pt, but thats because it was after like the millionth time. I'm really ugly. I have had plenty of people tell me, i'm ugly. it's not a secret, I just am.
Am I okay with it? No. I'm planning on getting plastic surgery when I'm older. a nose job and a boob job, maybe a face lift. and a tummy tuck. who knows.
I've eaten 650 calories today, tomorrow I will be doing the same. AND I WILL EXERCISE CONTINUOUSLY FOR ATLEAST A HALF AN HOUR. i never exercise when I tell myself too, but I'm determined.
my mom was crying to me today how she thought she was so ugly and how she thinks my dad hates her and how she just wants to die. I wish I could feel sorry for my mom, I really do. and don't get me wrong, I do to an extent. I just have this bitterness I guess against my mom. I wish she would of told me I was so so so so pretty. I wish she would of told me she wouldn't change a thing about me. I wish she would of told me I didn't need to lose a single pound. I wish she would of told me I was perfect just the way I was.
but, she didn't. she does now since I've lost 30 lbs and gotten a hair cut, but not when I was fat. oh no. she told me she would pay me money to lose weight.
it's not her fault. shes severly depressed and has bdd. she can't help it. I just wanted a mommy who would of kissed my boo boo's away and told me I was perfect.
I love my mom. I do. she really tries to help me the best of her ability. I know if I was having a bad day, she would give her full attention. she is a good mom.
she just.... is sick. it's not her fault. she just is. and I'm a terrible kid for even being bitter about it, because it's NOT her fault. I should of just realized "okay, moms sick. she doesn't know what shes saying".
im hungry. I really would like to binge right now, but thats out of the question. I have to get to 110 by when school starts, I HAVE TO.
I'm so bored. none of my friends ever wanna do anything so I just have to stay at home and do not shit. I'm sick of being a hermit crab. :/
I wish I had a boyfriend. there i said it! I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. I want a guy who cares about me. I want a guy who will kiss me on my forehead and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I want a guy I can totally open up to and he'll understand. I want a guy who wont just wanna have sex with me. Who wouldn't even bring it up until I said somthing about it. I want a guy who loves me for me, not the girl I pretend to be. someone who will tell me all day that I'm beautiful. I'll never find a guy like that I guess.
I used to have a guy like that. 7th grade. CJ baker. It took me two years to get over him. to this day I sometimes think about him, and theres a place in my heart that is still hurt by him. he used to tell me repeadetly I was beautiful. we dated for ten months. wah wah wah.
he broke my heart. he called me fat, ugly, whatever you name it. one of the big triggers for my ED. I attempted suicide that year. that was a bad bad year. he would tell all his friends how disgusting I was but then tell me when it was just me and him that he loved me still.
he has a new girlfriend now. shes skinny. and when I say skinny, I mean super skinny, like 90 lbs skinny. she eats whatever she wants too. shes attractive i guess. she has big ears, but she hides it. shes one of those girls that are so rich that they can make there selves look like a fucking goddess. they have been dating for about a year now, and he seems to love her, and she seems to love him. it doesn't bother me I guess. I mean somtimes I catch myself creeping on there facebook and look at there wallposts between eachother saying i love you and such.
I'm glad I'm not with CJ. Him as a person is someone I am not attracted to at all. When I was in love with him (or was I? I was only in 7th grade) I thought he was freaking perfect. but now, I see all his flaws.
-he's really skinny. you know how fucking bad I would feel about myself if I had a boyfriend who was skinnier than me?
-he's your perfect example of a douche bag tool. he tries to get people to laugh at him when he's not even funny.
-he's such a turn off to me. he is everything I don't want in a guy. I want to be able to talk about whatever I want with a guy, not just a few selective topics...
-he will never be happy with what he has. I heard awhile ago that he cheated on the girl he's with now, with a girl who, well lets face it, is a geek. he did it because he could. he did it because he felt cool doing it.
- he thinks hes cool, but hes not. end of story.
I HATE DUDES LIKE THAT.
I got a new kitty today! yay. we havent named him yet. he wont replace my old cat benny though.
I WANT TO EATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT :(
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