it isn't about me anymore. this is my life. wake up, smile, slap on a face of makeup and pretend to be someone your not.
i will starve to perfection.
today will be the fucking last day I binge and purge. who needs fucking food? honestly. I will be skinny. I will be skin and bones. I will be tiny.
I want to be perfect. I want to be breathtakingly gourgeous. I wanna feel beautiful.
I know if I would just give my life completely to God I would be happy. somewhere deep down inside me knows that. I don't want to give up smoking and drinking. I don't.
fuck my eating disorder. I know the only way to recover from it is to go to god. I love Jesus, don't get me wrong. I just.. I'm not good enough for him. I can't give my all to him. I'm to selfish.
my binge today was crazy. ugh.
I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut.
I hate living. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never wake up. god I fucking hate me.
I want to be perfect.
Living isn't all that bad if you try to look at the small victories you win everyday. It sounds like you're always dwelling and saying "tomorrow this" and "tomorrow that" but what about today? Start today so tomorrow you have more success. You're already a beauty queen, but the happiest girls are the prettiest girls! Start smiling, less cutting and no purging (only because it can have extremely bad side effects)
ReplyDeletei love you kristen. :)
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