fat isn't just how I look, it's how I feel. it consumes me. It's disgusting.
when my eating disorder first started, it was more about me wanting to get skinny. now it's only about 25% about that. the rest is control. to feel like i can do something right.
so when I binge, it's like, i lost all my control. it's the worst feeling ever.
I don't want to eat anymore.
I told my mom more about my ed. stupid mistake.
i don't deserve to get better. I'm not sick enough.
you wont die because you'll just end up bingeing.
i hate these voices in my head. they wont stop. it's a constant battle. fuck.
what the fuck happened to me?
what was i getting myself in too?
I should of known. I knew that I was walking with the devil. I didn't care, I just wanted to be skinny. I wanted something to go right.
and it was easy at first, I felt fine not eating, and the pounds dropped so fast.
then----the binging started.
i didn't ask for that, but it comes a long with it.
i've been at 120-125 for the past six months. just yo-yoing. restricting/bingeing/restricting/bingeing/purging/laxatives/fast/binge/fast/binge
it's a never ending cycle.
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