four fucking pounds

I've gained fucking four pounds. WOW. 125. fuck. most of it might be water weight, but STILL. I've been on a fucked up cycle restrict/binge/restrict/binge. UGH. fuckk. 300 calories tomorow! yupyupyup. if I eat more literately I think i'm going to win the award for the biggest failure in the world.

I'm so tiredd. but I haven't written in awhile so I'll catch ya up on a few things.

-I had a long talk with my friends about just everything. They told me they think I do all this stuff for attention and I do this to myself, and I make myself feel the way I do. I just wish they really understood what I go through. This is exactly why I can't talk to them because they don't understand. And they just tell me that I need to start eating. I tell them it's not that easy and there like "yeah it is!" god I just wished they fucking understood. I tried to tell them what my mind thinks, but legit they just don't understand. and I don't know what to do. I guess I'm just not gonna talk about it with them anymore. shits none of their buisness anyways.

Carbon Monoxcide poisoning would be my choice way of suicide. Only thing is, one we don't put our cars in the garage and two, I don't drive. so wtf. I still have a long way of planning my suicide. I think the reason why I'm going to plan it for so long, is because maybe somewhere deep inside me I still have hope? Idk.

I'm going to the therapist on thursday. I'm excited.

well I'm leavingg, kk bye.