ive been binging

like crazy. I've prob gained 5 lbs this weekend, and I'm not over exaggerating.
I weighed my self at 122 and I was 119 on friday.
its sunday, I feel like I'll be even bigger tomorrow.
I've been utterly depressed and I'm not sure why. I've just kind of given up hope, and given up on life. I'm sick of living, sick of acting like I don't care, sick of never feeling good enough for anybody.
I'm going to start restricting hard core again. not just because I want to be skinny. I just want control. I want control of something in my life because everything else is so out of control.
I hate myself so much. I don't know why I'm still living. I'm miserable. Legit. every day is just another battle and I don't want to fight anymore. I honestly don't. I can't do anything right. I just suck at life. I suck at everything I do.
I suck at dancing.
I suck at restricting.
I suck at getting boys to like me.
I suck at everything.

I'm a grade A failure. the only thing I'm good at is failing. I want to cut so fucking bad but what good would it due? Just add another collection to my million of scars? Give me some numbness for 5 minutes? give me some real pain? sure. but who cares about that? my life is still going to be misarble.

my friend olivia was telling me about this girl in concert choir whos anorexic and shes in treatment in texas. thats so sad to hear. her twin is talking to my ex cj. shes gorgeous. apparently she had cancer a couple years ago and lost all her hair, now she has a lot. shes beautiful. it's so sad to hear that.

you know what I do to make myself feel better? I get on chat rooms and talk to guys who are twice my age so I can listen them call me pretty and give me some fucking confidence. how sad is that? I've never admitted that to anyone, not even my therapist.

I just wish someone would love me. just hold me and wipe away my tears.

I know god would fix all my problems if I just went too him, but I'm to damn selfish.
I feel like I need to stop caring about what people think about me first, because my fear of giving myself to God is what people would think about me. so maybe I need to change that first?

who knows. I just want to die.