I've gotten down to 121... one pound away from my first goal weight, but not anywhere near where I wanna stay. You think I would be happy, but I still just look at myself as fucking fat. I'm so repulsive.
Me and carlton are talking..... and were going to do stuff in like 2 weeks most likely. but he wants to go on an actual date though, but yet he still wants to hook up with me.
why didn't I just tell him in the beginning that we shouldn't do stuff...sigh.
he asked me today "when were gonna smash" and I said not anytime soon. so i guess you could say I'm a whore who doesn't have sex. as awkward as that sounds.
I've always been a sexual person. I don't feel uncomfortable talking about sexual things. so maybe me doing stuff is not as bad. I do like doing things. I will admit though, after an hour sucking dick does get old and my mouth starts to get sore, but whatever. idk. shits fucked up.
I'm in a constant battle with suicide. the thought never leaves my head, as much as I try to make it leave.
counseling starts monday, what joy.
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