Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Haven't posted in so long.

It's crazy to see my old blog posts. To some degree they are almost cringe worthy.

I've grown up a lot since then. I'm a senior in college and have only one semester left and then I'm on to my internship! I work around 30-40 hours a week, and I am full on adulting.

I have a boyfriend, who I've been dating for almost ten months now. He's great.

I should be happy. I HAVE been happy for such a long time. But these past couple of months, I have felt myself sliding back into my old ways.

A couple weeks will go by and I'll be fine, but then a couple more will come and I'll feel out of control, crying all the time, angry towards my boyfriend, etc.

I can't believe Ken hasn't left me. I feel like I ask so much of him and all he does is love me. He is so good.

I put him up on this high pedestal and then when he doesn't reach my expectations I began to hate him. Like to the point I cannot stand him. In my head it seems rational, but when I start to talk about it it doesn't.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I was doing so good. I don't have time to be like this anymore. I am not a child. I am twenty one years old. By this time next year, I will hopefully have a real time job  with a degree in social work, helping people who had similar problems I had. I can't still be like this by then. I need to get it together. I'm not on antidepressants anymore. I'm not going to counseling. I've been debating about going down the road again.

My mom thinks I'm like this because of the new birth control I'm on. She could be right. I don't know though. I started taking it in the summer and I didn't start feeling like this probably until late September. She read a study that birth control can make borderline personality disorder worse. My mom looks way too much into things sometimes though.

I need to be on birth control so I'm hoping that's not it. I'm just over feeling like this.

Me and my boyfriend spend about 4-5 days a week with each other. I've decided it's for the best if we knock that down to about 3-4 days a week. I pay rent for my apartment and I barely even stay here because I'm always at his. Todays the first day in about 3-4 days I've stayed at mine. I'm going to stay here tomorrow as well. Maybe I just need to miss him some. I don't know.

We used to have sex like all the time, at least 2-3 times a week. Now we only have sex like once every other week. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it really does. I wonder if he's cheating one (there would be no way he could, he's always with me) or if he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He swears it's not any of those things and that I'm just thinking too much into things. But he does change the subject quite fast when I bring it up. He says it's just because that was puppy love. Idk. Sex just makes me feel closer to him, so when we don't have sex I don't feel as close and I get irritated with him more.

Does that mean I truly don't love him? I don't know, I don't think so. I could truly see my life with Ken. I would be happy and content with being with him for the rest of my life. I just can't describe it.

Why can't I ever just truly be happy for once? Things start to get better, and then my brain just decides to fuck everything up.

Maybe I just feel like this with him because I'm not happy myself and it's reflecting on my relationship. Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe he's the cause. I couldn't tell you. I don't want to break up with him, he's the only person I have here. I love him. I do. Maybe we just need some time apart. not like breaking up, just not hanging out. I need to do some soul searching.

I love Ken. Typing this all out really makes me come to that conclusion. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I just need to snap out of this and grow up. I don't have time to be like this. I'm on my period so maybe it'll pass in a week. Who knows. All I know is this is exhausting.

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