i wish i had the stength

to recover from my eating disorder. i hate it. i don't even like going out anymore. it's ruining my relationships with other people and making me very closed off.

id rather just lay in bed and starve or just binge and purge all day.

and that is scary.

it runs my life. i definitely understand why people personify there disorder. it really is like someone else living inside you, telling you what to, controlling every thing you do.


i hate it so much but i can't let it go. i want to recover. i can't. it's like i get mad at myself when i say that. isn't that sad?

i havent cut in 40 days. yayyy.

im too lazy to get my kindle from downstairs so im just gonna read on my iphone. its not the same though as my kindle fire. haha.

i just wish i could be a normal teenager and not have so many problems. i just want to be happy.

all i want to do is sleep.

my stomach hurts. it can't take in big meals without me purging anymore. i had two slices of pizza and some some chocolate and could purge it but now my stomach is hurting like a fucking bitch. i feel so sick. i just wanna go to sleep.

i have to clean. im always cleaning. i hate it. i just wanna lay in my snuggie with my kindle and never leave my room. i wouldnt have to deal with food, my family, friends, or even worrying about what i looked like. i could just stay in my room forever....

merry christmas everyone.

so I got a lot of good gifts. vans, toms, kindle, northface, curling iron, and 100 dolla from my gramps.

dad took my cigs again because my douche of a brother gave them to him.

i had a good christmas i suppose. I've gained which is shit because I got down to like 116. Tomorrow I'm going shopping which will burn hella calories and also I'm going to restrict.

I'm very sleepy. I'm not happy either, I'm never happy though.

I hate being like this all the time, I just want for once to be happy. but my eating disorder takes that away from me....

i've been thinking about recovery but I'm just still in denial and I just wouldnt know where to start. it's so messy I don't even wanna deal with it. change is scary. I just can't.

oh my god.

I wish my mom would stop crying. she needs to go to counseling. I'm sick of seeing her like this all the time. at least I'm trying to get better.

shes such a child. she makes me bitter. shes supposed to be a mom.

i binged yesterday so i took laxatives. I was down to like 117. fasting today

im scared for christmas eve and christmas. theres gonna be so much food and I'm gonna be compelled to eat. im gonna lose all my progress.

ugh. fuck holidays.

omg.

just stepped on the scale... i wish i didn't. 129.

129. 129. 129.



WHAT THE FUCK.

i can't stop binging. i've lost all control.
i was 121 yesterday. 8 fucking pounds?

I'm not eating tomorrow. I have a party in my first hour and I'm supposed to bring in doughnuts, so I'm gonna bring some but I'm only gonna have like two. there gonna be those doughnuts holes which are like no more than 50 cals. so 100 calories at the most tomorrow.

and I have dance for two hours. then I'm going to workout again when i get home.

i don't have to worry about lunch because i have finals.

i'm going to fucking fail chemistry.

i used to be so smart. my depression has robbed me from that.

i just hate everything. esspecially me.

I'm so fat.

fucking binged. story of my life.

fat isn't just how I look, it's how I feel. it consumes me. It's disgusting.

when my eating disorder first started, it was more about me wanting to get skinny. now it's only about 25% about that. the rest is control. to feel like i can do something right.


so when I binge, it's like, i lost all my control. it's the worst feeling ever.

I don't want to eat anymore.

I told my mom more about my ed. stupid mistake.

i don't deserve to get better. I'm not sick enough. 


kill me now before this kills me


you wont die because you'll just end up bingeing.

i hate these voices in my head. they wont stop. it's a constant battle. fuck.

what the fuck happened to me?
what was i getting myself in too?

I should of known. I knew that I was walking with the devil. I didn't care, I just wanted to be skinny. I wanted something to go right.

and it was easy at first, I felt fine not eating, and the pounds dropped so fast.

then----the binging started.
i didn't ask for that, but it comes a long with it.

i've been at 120-125 for the past six months. just yo-yoing. restricting/bingeing/restricting/bingeing/purging/laxatives/fast/binge/fast/binge

it's a never ending cycle. please make it stop.

I don't know whens the last time I've been happy. I'm sitting here crying and I don't know what else to do. If I talk to my mom she'll just try to throw some more pills at me then will breathe down my neck 24/7. my friends don't understand. no one understands except my therapist but I only see her once a week. I need cigs but my dad fucking took them.

I want to die. so bad. I can't do it around the holidays because thats just bogus. I just don't wanna be here. I want to kill myself. I hate living and I hate everyone. I just need someone to listen. I just need someone.

ugh. I think I'm going to kill myself after christmas if things don't get better..I don't want to die I just want things to get better. but nothings getting better. everything is going to shit. I'm a fucking ball of crazy and I don't want to live anymore.

fuck everything. I just want to sleep and never wake up.

i am stronger

im stronger than a binge. I'm stronger than the cookies down stairs. I'm stronger than food. food does not control me, I control it.

oh so sleepy....but not really.

I'm always tired but can't sleep. am i spelling tired right? i always feel like i spell it wrong. I'm not the best speller. like is it tiered or tired? #confusion

so I'm fat but hey whats new. sunday I'm gonna go back to my original plan of fasting-200-400-600-800-1000-binge. i know i can do it.

AND EXERCISE. boo yah. I need to make realistic goals because me going on a run every morning is not realistic because I'm lazy as fuck. so what the new plan is;

100 cal workout for warm up!
-40 jumping jacks
-30 sit ups
-20 squats
-10 push ups

then, I'm gonna go on a walk for an hour which burns 247 calories if i walk 3 miles per hour, which i figure i do. i think, lets hope. ill just power walk.

then when I come back, I'll do the 100 cal workout for cool down
-40 jumping jacks
-30 sit ups
-20 squats
-10 pushups.

I'll be doing this sunday monday and Wednesday. on tuesdays and thursdays I have dance for like two and a half hours which is a workout by itself. and friday and saturday I already know I wont do it because it's the weekend. trying to be realistic.

so, my food plan.

Sunday-fast.
Monday-200 calories.
Breakfast-apple-60 calories
lunch-apple-60 calories
dinner-apple 60 calories.
plus diet soda and gum through out the day which I'm gonna round to 20 calories
Tuesday-400 calories.
Breakfast-apple-60
Lunch-pretzels-110
dinner- lean casine under 230 calories
Wednesday-600 calories
breakfast-orange-80 calories
lunch-baked flamin hot cheetoes-200 calories
dinner-lean casine under 320 calories
Thursday-800 calories
breakfast-orange-80 calories
lunch-pretzels and chocolate rice krispy treat-280
snack-apple-60 cal
dinner-lean casine- under 380 calories
friday-1000 calories
breakfast-apple-60 cal
lunch-flamin hot cheetos baked and granola bar-300 calorie
rest of the night may vary. you will prob be drinking so count calories.
saturday-binge day, but must purge and/or take laxies.
****any day you mess up, you must fast the next day. if you mess up two days in a row, you must fast for two days in a row, and so on.

also I'll be taking diet pills.


NO MORE EXCUSES. I WILL BE 110 LBS BY JANUARY 1ST. lets rock this shit! I know i can do it. (:

been at home for the past two days

half because I actually am kind of sick.
the other half? I fucking hate life and hate school and the people that are there, and I'd rather sleep all day than go.

but, for real my throat has been killing me and purging has just been making it worse. I'm fasting for the next two days since my fat ass decided to binge all day. I'm gonna be at school so hopefully that'll distract me from eating.

some girl I know in real life found my tumblr....... and she started following me.

first off, WHAT THE FUCK. how the FUCK did she find me? with the billions of users on tumblr, she finds mine? what are the fucking odds? I'm just seriously baffled. I haven't told anyone in real life my tumblr or anything. i even googled my fucking name and it didn't come up. my url doesn't even have my name in it. I saw on her tumblr that she reblogged some things that I reblogged from other people, so i guess she saw my url that way, but fucking still. what are the odds.

second, makes me wonder if she has an eating disorder. i don't think she does because I looked through her tumblr and it just looked like a normal teens tumblr. I mean there where some questionable things, but all teenagers worry about looks and such. she didn't have anything that directly led me to believe there was anything wrong with her. I wanted to see her followers and the people she follows, but it didn't show up on her page. if anyone knows how to find that, I'd gladly appreciate it if they would tell me.

thirdly, i blocked her but that doesn't mean what has been done hasn't been done. if she asks me I'm gonna act like I don't know what shes talking about and say that I don't even have a tumblr. I'm also gonna say that someone must of stole my pics from online or some shit.

BUT, if shes all like "i have an eating disorder too i wont tell anyone" then maybe we can come best friends or somthing, but i doubt thats gonna happen.

shes a really nice girl, shes homeschooled and im good friends with her brother. im just praying she wont tell anyone.

but if she does, and somehow the school finds out, I am going to kill myself, make no doubt about it.

it's 12:30, i should prob try to sleep or somthing of the liking. toodles.

ugh

i havent ate anything today and all i want to do is go downstairs and eat pizza.

but I'm not going too. I have too much control for that.

I'm sick of my eating disorder.seriously. I just want to eat whatever I want but not binge. it fucking sucks dick.

my head hurts. i need to find my work uniform but i can't fucking find it. i don't feel like looking for it and i don't feel like doing anything actually. I'm cold.

I have to go to school tomorrow. fuck. i hate school.

I'm stressed the fuck out. I really need to find my uniform. I've looked all over my house for like two days and can not find it.

i want to cut but i wont. i want to binge but i wont. i want to die but i wont.

i'm sick of living this way. seriously. I don't even know what to do anymore.

im just sayin you could do better.

i want someone to love me.

someone to hold me.



i need to stop getting drunk all the time. makes me depressed

drunk

and i want to sleep


fuckkkk. im fat. ive been binging like crazy and i just want to die.

5th day without binging!

Yay had 800 calories today. Tomorrow I'm having 1000. And then saturday will be my binge day, and then sunday I'll fast! Yayayay. Idk how much I weigh honestly I'm gonna guess and say 120. My scales shitty so I never trust it. I'm not that hungry, I'm a little hungry but not starving. Tomorrow I'm going out to eat and getting this spaghetti that's 666 calories (hahaha I know odd but that's what calorie counter said) I'm going to the pasta house which you've prob never heard of cuz its only in the st Louis area but anyways I can't find any of there nutritional facts so I have to go to calorie counter which you can't always trust because it was made by other people! #frustration. Oh well. I don't wanna drink tomorrow because that's just extra calories. I'm just gonna tell then no since I have to drive. Well nothing big going on I guess. I'm hanging in there. Well see ya folks later.

woah der.

ive been doing pretty good eating wise. (or bad whatever) i fasted on monday, had 200 calories yesterday, and 400 today! i can't beleive i have not ruined it all and binged. for once im sort of kind of proud of myself.

tomorrow 600 calories. next 800, then 1000, then, binge day! sweet.

thanksgiving, im gonna eat whatever. im so excited.

god im cold. blech.

almost passed out at dance after running two laps....hahah.

i need to stop smoking cigs....oh wellz.

500 cal today.

and exercise. im waiting for my laxatives to pass. oh fun.

i have to work at 4. my dad took my phone because he found a pack of cigs in my purse.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat. I don't want to eat.

my parents buy all the food i love, like chocolate brownies? srsly? fuck.

i have a fever blister. now people are reallly gonna think i have herpes. fml.

ugh. I'm sick of living.

wow

im like 130 lbs.




wow. ive gained so much. this is pitiful.

if i wasn't ugly.

if i wasn't ugly i wouldn't be the ugly ones out of my friends.
if i wasn't ugly people would notice me instead of courtney and carolann.
if i wasn't ugly i would get more guys to like me.
if i wasn't ugly people wouldn't always tell me i was ugly.
if i wasn't ugly guys wouldn't push by me without saying "exscuse me"
if i wasn't ugly someone would love me.
if i wasn't ugly i wouldn't have to let go of my values.

don't you dare try to tell me I'm pretty. because I'm not. the whole world thinks I'm ugly. I'm pale. I'm fat. I have a big nose. I have pimples. I have small boobs and a small ass. I have small lips and small eyes. My body is un-proportioned.


i look like a fucking monster.

Don't fuck with a girl;

Who already is fucked up in the head to begin with. Who already feels like no one loves her. Who already starves herself and makes her throw up. Who cuts herself and is always reminded about how much she is worthless. Who already hates the world enough. Who already feels like she's not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not smart enough, not funny enough, and just not enough. Who already wants to die, and has came close Many times.

But most of all, you never know if what you did to her could of been the last straw. The last time shes been fucked over, and she can finally say goodbye to this cruel world.

Writing this on my iphone

Because I broke my computer. How you may ask? Well I got sloppy drunk and puked on it. Oddly I don't remember it at all, I just woke up and there was puke everywhere. Even on my bed shoes and computer.

I've been binging like crazy it's disgusting. Just had a god awful binge. I'm doing the abc diet dude. Tomorrow is November 1st, I can finish on December 20th. I'm not giving up this time! I'm fucking doing it if it kills me. I've done it before! 500 calories tomorrow, that isn't even that bad. I know I can do it, seriously.

Well I'm hanging out with this justin guy. I don't really wanna do anything but I'm shaving just incase, haha. He wants to smoke but I'm not feeling it.

Well I'm gonna hit the hay. I'll try to write tomorrow.

2 cookies.

I had 2 chocolate chip cookies today, they were delish. but thats all i ate.

320 calories.

i promised my therapist i would try to eat 1200 calories. tomorrow was gonna be the day I was going to do that.


but, i can't. i binged so much this week that i can't do it. I have so much failure to report to her. i cut, i didn't eat right, blah blah blahz.

I didn't go to school today because frankly I couldn't. I just couldn't. I couldn't go acting like i was okay.

I'm going to get up early tomorrow and make myself look fucking beautiful.

all I'm living for right now, is to be skinny and pretty. I'll fucking do it if it kills me. I don't care about anything else.

i have the worse headace. I get such bad headaces from not eating. idc. i'm not eating. i'm not.

please let me die.

please. I just want to die. I can't live like this anymore.
I want someone to care. to love me. to hold me and kiss my tears away.

instead I'm a clingy bitch that is annoying as fuck. I'm stupid. I'm so fucking stupid. I'm a worthless human being and I suck at everything I do. I suck at life. I just suck.

I'm the worse person to ever live. I'm ugly and fat and repulsive. everyone thinks I'm fat. everyone they're all looking at me like I'm huge. they can see my love handles. they know I'm gaining weight.

just make it stop. someone make this stop. I can't do it anymore. I can't. I just can't. I can't hold on any longer.

I'll never be good enough. ever. please. I can't make it anymore.

I'll never be loved. oh why can't a guy like me? god. I'm fucking pitiful.

I've seriously never hated myself so much. who the fuck is this person I've become and how the fuck do i get rid of her? as I'm typing this, I don't feel myself. I'm out of my body. this person, me, i don't know who she is.

fuck life. I can't do it

rules.

- mcdonalds. everything there. i don't trust that shit.
- nutella
- butterfingers
- cookie dough
- ice cream sandwiches
- bologna
- any kind of regular soda


I get one binge during a week. thats it. no more.

it's monday and I already had mine.

if I'm drinking I'm not aloud to eat that day.

must do workout in the morning and at night.

keep a food log of what you eat.

look at thinspo everyday.

get fucking skinny.

I'll prove everyone wrong

I just... I just want to be thin. it sounds so cliche but thats all I want right now. I honestly want that more than a boyfriend, or more than a boy for that matter. I just want to be skinny. I want to be so skinny. I don't want to eat anymore. I binged today but it's okay. I'm okay with it. I just don't want to eat.... I just want to be skinny.

idc about anything right now. all I can think about is being skinny.

I'm gonna take a nap....

oh yeah p.s

mom and dad could you stop fighting? even though im 16 years old it still makes me want to cry in a pillow.

and yes, I binged today.

i feel like i only write in my blog when I binge, haahha.

tomorrow I'm fasting. even though it's friday it shouldn't be too bad, since I have school, I'll just have water at lunch, and then I'm going to a haunted house later that night, and I'll just tell my friends I have to go home for awhile after school and I ate then.

crossing my fingers I don't give in.

because saturday I'm drinking. four lokos have fucking 700 calories in them. WTF. so screw it. im gettin fucked up.

uhm, so getting happier is doing so so. slowly but surely my friend. therapy is such a blessing. honestly, i can't believe my mom wouldn't put me in it for the longest time.

im just staying positive. trying to atleast. using my distress tolerence skills and all that jazz. i can do this.

well take care everyone. :)

sigh

I just want to be happy. how hard is that? :/

I want someone to hold me and make all the pain go away.

just keep swimming just keep swimming.

game plan, on being happy & healthy.

1. you must eat, breakfeast, lunch and dinner. doesn't matter how much or how little, just make sure you have 3 differ meals a day.
2. work on not binging. If you want to have something sweet cool eat it, just don't eat 10 candy bars.
3. Exercise everyday. Tuesdays and Thursdays you have dance so don't worry about it then.
4. make up a work out routine.
5. read your bible/have prayer time everyday.
6. Read your book everyday.
7. Do a self esteem exercise everyday.
8. Look over the handouts kristie gives you everyday.
9. do something productive everyday.
10. try not to lay around in bed all the time.
11. Get homework done.
12. actually try at school.
13. try your best to get more sleep.
14. don't forget to take your medicine.
15. clean the house everyday, or atleast the kitchen and living room.
16. weigh yourself every 3 days, not everyday.
17. be more open about things.
18. just, be positive. really, honestly don't let life get you down, stand up when everything is falling down. you can do this. you deserve this. it's your time to get happy. you have too. 

when I'm dead

when I'm dead; i'll be the most popular girl in the school.
when I'm dead; I'll finally start getting noticed.
when I'm dead; everyone that said mean things to me, will feel like shit.
when I'm dead; people will miss me.
when I'm dead; people will finally start to understand.
when I'm dead; I'll be dead.

things would be better off if I was dead.

i havent cut.

in a long time, it's been almost a month.

this is the longest it's been in a long time.



<3

I'm not okay.

I'm binged for like four days straight. I feel so big, I'm sure I've gained like a million pounds but I'm too scared to weigh myself.

I feel, I don't know. I can't tell you how I feel about myself. I hate being me, yes.
I want to die, but do I really? Who knows.

I've been wanting to cut so bad but I haven't. thats a good thing.

i wish I never had to drink or smoke or anything. I wish I made friends with good church going people who don't even cuss. i don't care about being popular.

I would be happy then. I would have god.
i could have god now but I care too much about what people think about me to do anything about it.

I need change. I need something positive. I don't know what to do. I can't wait till wedensday so I can talk to my therapist. I feel so positive when I go to her but then a day later I feel like shit.

I want to live and be happy. I want to do it. I'm going to do it.


I want to be fucking happy.

i don't want to live anymore.

and thats how i feel.

ive been binging

like crazy. I've prob gained 5 lbs this weekend, and I'm not over exaggerating.
I weighed my self at 122 and I was 119 on friday.
its sunday, I feel like I'll be even bigger tomorrow.
I've been utterly depressed and I'm not sure why. I've just kind of given up hope, and given up on life. I'm sick of living, sick of acting like I don't care, sick of never feeling good enough for anybody.
I'm going to start restricting hard core again. not just because I want to be skinny. I just want control. I want control of something in my life because everything else is so out of control.
I hate myself so much. I don't know why I'm still living. I'm miserable. Legit. every day is just another battle and I don't want to fight anymore. I honestly don't. I can't do anything right. I just suck at life. I suck at everything I do.
I suck at dancing.
I suck at restricting.
I suck at getting boys to like me.
I suck at everything.

I'm a grade A failure. the only thing I'm good at is failing. I want to cut so fucking bad but what good would it due? Just add another collection to my million of scars? Give me some numbness for 5 minutes? give me some real pain? sure. but who cares about that? my life is still going to be misarble.

my friend olivia was telling me about this girl in concert choir whos anorexic and shes in treatment in texas. thats so sad to hear. her twin is talking to my ex cj. shes gorgeous. apparently she had cancer a couple years ago and lost all her hair, now she has a lot. shes beautiful. it's so sad to hear that.

you know what I do to make myself feel better? I get on chat rooms and talk to guys who are twice my age so I can listen them call me pretty and give me some fucking confidence. how sad is that? I've never admitted that to anyone, not even my therapist.

I just wish someone would love me. just hold me and wipe away my tears.

I know god would fix all my problems if I just went too him, but I'm to damn selfish.
I feel like I need to stop caring about what people think about me first, because my fear of giving myself to God is what people would think about me. so maybe I need to change that first?

who knows. I just want to die.

im fucking fat.

ive been binging like a muthafucka. its gross. ive gotten back into the routine of b/p and i hate it. i havent been gaining to much but i just feel fat. i feel bloated and its gross.

i like this cade guy but i dont really know him. hes sweet but he doesnt text back often. kinda bogusss

i dont like carlton anymore, and tanners a dick. cj is just cj.

im so ugly and disgusting idk how to live with myseelf. honestly i wish i could just kill myself because i dont see the point of living anymore.

i hate how i look. i hate my body. i hate my life. i honestly do. im not even trying to sound like a whiny bitch im just honestly not happy with life. it was getting better but now its just getting suckier again.

i need to make positive changes. im just a failure and can't do anything right.

fuck my low self esteem self. im donee, kbye.

i never stopped loving you, I just stopped caring.

I'm still in love with my grade 7th grade boyfriend.

actually I don't think I love him, but feelings are deff still there.
I know he doesn't like me, but I think I could get him too.
I just have to play my cards right.
one step foward then two step backs.

I still like tanner and have been questioning texting him but hes such a dick. i shouldnt even waste my time on him.
I kinda just wanna go to sleep and forget about life. i just had a mini binge after restricting all day. fml

carlton doesnt like me so im done with him.

i just want to kill myself honestly. my mom tells me about how me she wants to die and it gets old. I wish I was in the right mental state to listen to her problems, but I can't.

I wish someone loved me. thats all.

welcome to my, silly life.

so, my ex boyfriend from like 3 years ago, who was like my first love, messaged me on fb today. we had a nice little conversation.

it did bring back some old butterflies, I'm not going to lie to you. I would prob hook up with him. it prob wouldn't be very smart though, but hey shit happens.

fuck tanner. I don't even wanna talk about him. hes telling people i gave him herpes. I never even had a cold sore in my life, and before him i wasn't with a dude since like may. fuck him.

and carlton, honestly my feelings are going away towards him. now i like tanner, but he pisses me off.

cj, my ex, likes someone else. I would possibly talk to him tho. he was obvi flirting with me, but cj is different. that boy fucked me up in the head. he called me ugly, fat, whatever. he made me have a fear of guys.

I don't love him I guess, but I'll never stop caring about him. he makes me smile. I can't stop smiling when we talk. I think I'm just gonna flirt with him hardcore. if he messages me again on fb I'm gonna tell him to text me.

oh well, again i dont care. fuck natalie. shes a bitch. her boyfriend is posting statuses on facebook about me. haha real mature.

fuck people. fuck my fatass ate hella today. im 116 though so dats cool. prob gained from today though because i didnt purge or take laxies.

cant sleep. it's like 12:30. oh well. night.

why

ive been so utterly depressed lately.
so weak...so done.
i just wanna go to sleep and never wake up.


ive been thinking about suicide more and more... i cant handle the pressures of life anymore.
its too much...i cant do it anymore.

im a failure.

.,.

I hate myself. Honestly. I hate everything about me and I just want to die. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm weak, I'm a slut, I can't do anything right.

I just want to die. I don't want to live anymore.

I'm so, so so fucking stupid. I let guys take advantage of me. and it makes me like them even more.

I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. I want to die.

I'm hungry. I want food. I want love. I want to be loved. I just want someone to hold me and tell me they love me...

I'm done with everything. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't. I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm 117. i have to get down to 110 by homecoming, I just have to.

I want to be so skinny that people will know theres something wrong with me. I want attention. I want people to worry about me.

I'm going to go to sleep and forget about life.

the things I need to know/remember/do.

1. Life goes on. Don't get to caught up in things that are happening right now, things can and will get better.
2. People who matter don't mind, and people who mind don't matter.
3.Stop being so occupied about what other people think.
4. You don't have to please the world.
5. Boys at this age are pieces of shit. Don't trust them.
6. On that note, stop doing things with guys that you're gonna regret. just because you did it before doesn't mean you have to do it again.
7. Remember the things you learn in therapy, and actually act on them.
8. Yeah life is tough, but it's something you're going to have to deal with.
9. Tell yourself everyday something you like about yourself.
10. Help someone everyday.
11. Be nothing but nice to people. If they're rude, respond with love.
12. Try reading scripture more. take time out of the day to do it.
13. Have 3 meals a day. doesn't matter how small, just make sure it's three differ meals.
14. remember your coping skills. don't cut.
15. So many people in this world love you. ask for help if you need it.
16. do your school work. ask questions if you need help.
17. Be nice to Carlton. You don't have to give him the cold shoulder, just act like you don't care. He will probably be back.
18. Tanner is a player. You know you will end up talking to him again, but try ignoring him somewhat. don't seem to needy.
19. Look your best, but remember, looks aren't everything.
20. finish short term goals that will help you accomplish long term goals.
21. DON'T DWELL ON NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. replace the negative with positive.

22. Embrace compliments. don't just shake them off. when you get a compliment, write it down.
23. Don't listen to the haters. Just honestly, act like they said nothing. erase anything they said.
24. I would say be yourself, but you're not sure who that is. Find yourself.
25. Wake up earlier.
26. Exercise at least once a day outside of dance.
27. Talk your self up.
28. Tell your family you love them.
29. Tell your friends you love them.
30. Go out of your way to talk to the kid who no one talks too.
31. Don't talk shit.
32. Text Emily everyday.
33. Listen to others.
34. Think more rationally. Don't act on feelings, but take how you feel into consideration.
35. Don't avoid problems. Face them, even if you don't want to.
36. Sleep when you need to, but not too much.
37. You're not the prettiest girl in the school, but you're not the ugliest.
38. You don't have to be perfect.
39. You don't have to please everyone.
40. Don't spend time on the petty problems. Think about stuff that really matters.
41. Start going to church.
42. You're an awesome person.
43. You have so much self worth.
44. You are beautiful.(that was tough to write.)
45. Stop beating yourself up for things.
46. Realize your mistakes, and learn from them.
47. Clean your room!
48. Don't lay around all day, do something productive.
49. Accomplish something everyday, go out of your comfort zone. It can big or small.
50. Finally, smile. God put you on this earth for a reason. You can and will be happy.

all i want.

all I want is someone to love me.
someone who doesn't give a fuck about doing anything sexual.
someone who tells me I'm pretty, when I'm just wearing sweats and my hair up.
someone who will kiss my forehead.
someone who will give me bear hugs.
someone who wont leave me.
someone who I can tell all my secrets to.
someone who will wipe the tears away.

why does everyone leave me?
oh yeah, it's because I'm ugly and fat.
alll guys want from me is head. cool beans.

boy problems= not swag

I really like carlton so much.
...so why did i let this other guy(tanner) finger me?

i feel dirty. i mean i guess i like tanner but I really like carlton. like he is just so much like me and we just get eachother. I told him how I felt but he didn't care.


so....I guess im just gonna be with tanner. I'll be happy with tanner. maybe I'll be with carlton again in the future but right now I'm gonna be with tanner. were hanging out tomorrow. and were prob doing a lot. soo......idk. it hurt so bad when he fingered me..... haha okay tmi

im out, duecess.

today sucks

fuck carlton. honestly fuck him, and fuck every boy out there.

he asked another girl to homcoming. sdifjidsf. whatever.

i dont give a fuck im done with him;. i have enough problems in my life i dont need a boy to make it worse. even though, i like having a guy to give me self esteem but its whatever

binged and purged today and yesterday. and i cut today

seriously FUCK TODAY

i was supposed to get my lisence that shit didnt happen either.

gawd fuck everything

&whenever I start to matter please let me know.

I've been better lately. not so down in the dumps. but right now, at this moment I feel like shit.

I've ate 500 calories today. yay

I just feel....worthless. like I'm just a big fat piece of nothing. I don't know. Like I'll never please anyone, esspecially not myself.

I want to feel loved. I want someone to tell me they love me and truly mean it. I wish I could be, pretty. be pretty and perfect.

sigh. I'm tierd. school tomorrow. fun. bye.

fat piece of shit.

binge binge binge binge binge

time for a new blog post

i was doing good today but then BAM parents came home with food and my fat ass binged and purged. my stomach hurts and my throat. i hate throwing up

im so sleepy, but im glad because it's 10:00 now and if i go to sleep now ill get like 8-9 hours of sleep! woot woot.

ive been better lately. raising my zoloft to 200 milgrams helped a lot. I feel better, not 100% but its progress.

I still feel shitty about myself. not necessarily suicidal though. i mean im always suicidal i guess you could say. if i could push a button to die or to live i would push to die. even when im happy im sad, does that make sense?

i wanna date carlton, but im not sure if he would wanna date me. its so awkward because we have health together so when the teacher talks about sex i cant help but blushing. teehee XD
i really do like him. i bet in a month though i wont. im so flippedy floppedy when it comes to guys.

babysitting tomorrow. getting money for cigs yayz only have three left wahhh

well i would write more but like I said I'm super tired. stay beautiful bitches. love you all.

recovery&shit.

if I don't start making some positive changes in my life then I'm going to end up killing myself, plain and simple.

2 fucking attempts in a week.

I already have my plan and shit, and if I get all the things I need for it then it should be full proof.

But, do I really want to die?
no, I don't, but I feel like it's my only option.

but, then, I could try to be happpy.

it's just...I don't know. I'm scared.

i guess thats it. I got a lot of thinking to do.

I'm dead on the inside.

And tonight it will be on the outside.
I'm ending it.
Thanks for everyone that loved and cared about me.
You all are great. Seriously.

i need to stop drinking

i get so depressed when I'm drunk. not like right away, but like after i leave the party and I'm back in this hell hole of a place.

I'm tired.

I wanna quit the dance team so bad. i fucking hate it.

I really like carlton. like a lot. i'm tripping! haha. i wanna date him. hes so nice. omggg. lol im geekin bro.

was doing good on the calorie limit until i got drunk and fucking bingedd sort of. pizza tacos and a cheeseburger. fatass.

i might be going to another party tomorrow so i'll prob fast all day then go and drink there.

goddd i hate life. everything about it. ugh.

restricting.

i had 255 calories today. not bad. I purged though, so dunno where that leaves me.

I'm so hungry though, and theres pizza and bread sticks downstairs that smell delicious. it's killing me not to go eat them.

i passed up pizza today to at my friends house. i can't believe how strong I've been.

tomorrow? well see. it's friday. I might be getting drunk before the football game so I'll prob be consuming calories there.

No idea what my weight is. after my laxatives passed today I was like 120, dunno if I'm still there, will find out tomorrow.

I was in a dead spell for awhile. literately like a walking zombie. I was so suicidal I literately tried to end it. I've been just so done with my parents and everything. and I'm just, sick.

Today has been better though. My therapist is putting me in this more intense therapy thing, where people come and check up on me everyday. I dunno, I guess it's something.

so lets talk boyz.
carlton is in my health class. yayz. haha. I stopped liking him for so long but now I do again. I dunno he gives me those butterflies. I don't know if it will forreal go any where. but you never know I guess.

charles. nfdicdivuduvjfudjgiudghiudfghiufdhsiudghiufgh. he such a fucking perve. if he wasn't such a creep I prob wouldn't ignore his texts. he's so creepy. and hes in my english class and my spanish. wtfz. he keeps poking me on fb and texting me. i feel bad not texting him back so i do. and i always end up talking sexual with him even though I don't want to. I would like him if he changed a lot of things about himself. and I don't wanna get wrapped up with his ex girlfriend drama. he loves her, I dont wanna deal with it.

so thats that. Gonna go comment in some blogs. see ya.

is this a joke

my parents blocked thin and prettythin on my computer. please tell me this is a joke.

oh well. i can still get on from my phone. dumb bitches.

actually, nevermind. i bet it was my brother. control freak son of a bitch.

god, the nerve? those sites aren't pro-ana. or triggering. if anything thin makes me lead towards recovery.

first day of school tomorrow. woohoo.

except I'm 124. not woohoo. fasting tomorrow.

I want this school year to be good. I'm a sophmore now. I want to be beautiful. I can do it, I know I can.

110 lbs by october 1st. (homecoming)

lets rock this shit.

im a fat fucking piece of shit

and I just wanna die.


But hey, i like a boy, and he likes me.
his friend told him not to date me and he was fucking up because I'm a grenade. (if you dont watch jersey shore, which i dont but I know what that means, it means an ugly chick)

i wanna cut.

i binged all day. im fasting tomorrow, if it fucking kills me.

random gibberish.

I'm sleeping on my floor tonight because were painting my room so we had to move everything out. it's gonna be pink :) ill take pics when its all done.

I gave my dad a hug today, and I just started balling my eyes out. I'm not sure why, I guess it was just everything built up inside me. I was embaressed, because I'm never really open with my dad. but eh, I needed the cry.

I've ate 150 calories today. If I'm not atleast 119 tomorrow I'm deff fasting.

I would like to lose 7 pounds by next week. crazy? probably. I start school the 17th and I want to be 113 putting me at a bmi of exactly 20.0. I feel like that would be a good way to start.

hopefully it's not to noticeable though that I lost that amount of weight in such a short time. my parents would kill me.

this one guy wont leave me alone. hes been texting me a lot and I always end up eventrully texting back. i dont like texting him because he always texts dirty and I always feel like I have to too. I sent him pics, you know the bad kind. I've done it before, so why would I say no this time? hes been blowing up my phone and I just haven't been texting back. thats how I solve the problem, by just not dealing with it.

I'm scared to tell guys no. thats why I try to not put myself in those situations when it's hard for me to say no. I haven't had sex. and I don't want too. it's going to hurt like a bitch, I'm too scared.

No guys would actually like me for me. I mean I guess it's highschool but all the dudes that I ever talk to all they talk about it doing things. I guess its because everyone knows me at school as the girl that can give two hour head. aoskdosdjsd.

the reason why I did that? because I can't say no. I didn't wanna be like "okay I'm stopping now" I'm to scared... I'm scared he wont like me anymore.

I crave attention so bad it's sickening. I've done some really mest up stuff for just someone to call me pretty.

I'm hungry, but I don't deserve to eat. I need to be so skinny and just shrivel up and die. but I'll always be a fat ass so I doubt thats gonna happen.

justkidding i binged

I hate everything.

I seriously can not do this anymore. I just can't. I've given up. I'm done fighting. I have no strength left to fight. I can't. I really can't. I just, can't.

I have no will in me to fight. I just don't. theres 0 life in me. I took a cold shower and now my buzz has wore off and I'm just fucking depressed. I can't do it.

One more day. I'm giving myself one more day. well see how tomorrow goes. that's pushing it too.

i'm ending it soon. I have too. Carbon monoxicde poisoning? I guess I have to somehow figure out how to get the car in the garage, because we don't put our cars in there.

I wonder how many balloons it would take to kill me from the helium. googling that.

I don't wanna die with pain, but it comes to that, then so be it. I have to die.... I'm sorry. I am.

one more day. I'm barely hanging on, but I'll hang on for one more day. just one. and if things are still shit, then I'm done.

IM DRUNK.

cool beans.


Why do I hate myself so much? I had about 560 calories today thats good right? and 200 in alchool which i purged. why do I still feel like a failure?

I just I dont know, I don't like myself. I'm a freeak. I don't know why people like me. they're trippin. I suck. honestly.

i can't do anYTHING right and I'm fucking ugly. so, lose.

how do I start liking myselff? because I hate me. I don't know why, I ust can't satand me

p.s im naked. get turnedd on ;) JUSTKIDIDN. im fat ou wouldn't wanna see me nakedd....

well my life sucks.

parents found my blog. read everything. holy shitakee mushrooms.

i hate them so much. they can blow me.

so they know everything now.

f.m.l.

why I'm like this.

I was bullied. constantly. I was friends with all the popular girls. I had a good personality. but I was fucking ugly.


I was tourmented. teased. everything.

I know I'm hideous because I can't get a boyfriend. I can't get a guy to like me.

I'm sixteen and have had four boyfriends. only one lasting longer than two months.
all which would of dated anyone.
I'm not fucking special.
I'm not pretty.

theres no way to sugar coat it. you can sit here and tell me I'm not ugly.

why would I get called ugly and fat all the time?
why would no guy ever like me?



no not because there jealous. NO. thats bullshit. don't fucking tell me that.


you wanna know why I have such a low opinion of myself? BECAUSE EVERY FUCKING OTHER PERSON HAS A LOW ONE OF ME. SO WHY SHOULD I LIKE MYSELF? WHY SHOULD I JUST BE ANOTHER FUCKING FAT UGLY GIRL THAT THINKS SHES PRETTY?


Fuck recovery. fuck it. I'll starve till I die. Fuck being happy. It wont work for me. I deserve to be depressed. I deserve to die.


you can not lie to me any longer.

hungoverasfuck.

i hate alchool. captain morgan. blech. puked all last night and all this morning. im such a sloppy drunk, i can never hold in my alchool.

binged all day today. considering taking some laxatives, but you know I'm trying the whole recovery thing. Maybe I'll just try to sleep it off. I'm hungover as fuck, I have an exscuse to be lazy.

it's so fucking hot. fuck summer.

honestly, I feel sick as fuck. I'm considering never drinking again. It's like when I drink, I never know when to stop. I chugged like half a bottle of captain morgan. and I take anti depressants, which make me lightweight as fuck. honestly me+drinking= bad news bears.

i just wanna sleep and never wake up.

i keep on thinking about how fat I am right now. I feel huge, big and ugly. ew.

well. sleep time. baii.

2nd day into recovering.

So, I'm trying recovery. I had a mini binge last night, I didn't purge though,even though how much i wanted to. I could feel it in my throat, it's like my body knew it was time to purge. But I didn't. I've been trying to eat a healthy 1200 calories, today I've had 950 and it's almost 7:00 at night so I've done pretty far. I swam for about 20 minutes today and burned 167 calories. I'm going to my friends house and that's were I usually binge at because she has such yummy food. I might eat something small, but I'm not gonna binge. I'm not gonna smoke because I have a drug test on the 12th. So atleast I won't have the munchies.

But, I did End up weighing myself. 124. I almost cried. It kinda set me back, and made me not want to recover after all. I wish I could just fucking smash the shit. I'm not gonna weigh myself, but I might restrict tomorrow to 800 :/ idk. It's just bothering me.

My ex boyfriend just commented on my fb status? Shhwhat?

K I'm Peacin. Byes.

binged and purged

i b/p today. sighz. i was planning on fasting but then i had to babysit, and you know kids and there delicious food... haha. so i ate....

-3 small bowls cheezy popcorn.
-7 starburs.
- granola bar
- brownie
- 4 swiss rolls.
- fruit snacks
- idk what there called. there like chessy quafers or somthing? yeah a whole bag of that.
- and some chocolate popcorn.


TALK ABOUT FAT ASS. my laxatives kicked in early last night for once. it was like the worst cramping of my life. i didnt even crap that much. i was pissed.

i made 45 dollars from babysitting! woohoo. im prob gonna blow it all on cigs and alcohol. i get my weed free so no worries about that. lol. hopefully i dont spend it on food.

goal for tomorow:500 sit ups. 100 in the morning- 100 after church- 100 at 3:00-100 at 7:00 - 100 before bed.

blech. my fat tummy repulses me. i weighed myself at the house i babysit for because they have one of those digital scales and i dont. it said 121.4. i feel like ive gained though. even though i did purge everything up.

I'm just gonna take it as it comes with eating tomorrow. I'm just gonna count calories. say no to food when I need too. pay attention to serving size. hopefully no more than 800 calories.

I haven't cut in almost two weeks! I'm so proud of myself. hopefully I go longer. I know I can. I don't need to cut.

so, i've been thinking about recovery lately for my ED. idk. I'm sick of binging and purging. but I would still be gladly to eat 500 calories a day, and thats not healthy either. so It's like I would just be handing my bulimia over for anorexia. sometimes I wish I was anorexic. I know that's fucked up. I don't know, I used to eat so little and never have a problem. now all I do is binge, and it's hard for me to eat 800 calories. thats fucking a lot. I just need to have some willpower. I don't like binging and purging. but if I said I was gonna recover, then I should be eating healthy too. 1200 calories seems like a binge to me honestly. whenever I eat over 1000 calories I just call it a binge. I don't know.

well, I'm done here. duces!

lol, sorry.

I probably annoy all of you because I'm such a whiny bitch and always talk about how much I hate my life and I act like such an emo kid. lolz. just ignore like 95% of my posts because there all pretty much negative.

BUT THIS ONE IS NOT. THIS IS GONNA BE A HAPPY POST YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY HAPPINESS!!!!!!!!!!!

mo fuckin rainbows. because that just screams happy.

because you can't look at kittens and not smile.

LOL WUT??

Sorry if you like him, just had to do it bro.
 okay one more.

mwhahahhahahahah

some more random shit.

what I want to do?

I want to fucking binge. I was eat everything in sight. just never stop eating. and then, purge it all up. sound super fun right?


no. that's not the way to be skinny. I need to restrict restrict restrict. I'm going to consume calories in a four loko tonight, so im not planning on eating anything else for the rest of the day.

360 calories so far today. ive been so exhausted.

god, i want to binge so bad. food sucks. but i love it.

maybe I'll eat so fruit? i dunno.

well, theres not much else to say. august 1st- august 3rd I'm going to Joplin Missouri to volunteer and help all the people down there from the tornado they had. I think it's a good thing, I'm worried about eating though. I'm gonna be out in the hot sun, I'm gonna have to eat somthing.

ugh. well. I'm done here. hopefully thin comes back up soon.

not to bad i guess

830 calories. a lot, but i lost 3 pounds in water weight from laxatives. woot.

My therapist quit. :/ she was the one that was helping me make positive changes in my life. I'm not an emotionally strong person, so this hurts.

I don't know what I'm going to do now. I honestly don't.

don't have much else to say. soyeah.

some top of the head poetry.

the times I don't feel like I have the right words to say, I can describe it in poetry. im not all that good at it, but i like doing it. so here,we go.

days turn into weeks,weeks turn into months and months turn into years.
fake smile turns into blank expressions, as blank expressions turn into tears.
the curtains are closing on the show I always put on
I'm finally running away, I'm finally going to be gone.

spare me reality, I'm better with these dreams.
but sometimes there frightening nightmares, as it oddly seems.
the dreams are when I can walk, without making a sound.
and the nightmares are of me weighing more than 130 pounds.

where did my self esteem go? It's nowhere in my sight.
I pray for God to help me find it, I pray for it every night.
they tell me the image I have of me is morphed, that it's all in my head.
but if I knew that was the case, I surely wouldn't want to be dead.

so now you know my secrets, and why my fake smile is no more.
you know that depression runs through me to the bottom of my core.
I'm fighting this tough battle with no emotion on my face.
I'm just trying to find reassurance, in this dark of a place.

 

hey fat fuck

binged. couldn't purge. took laxatives.

me hate laxatives.

two days in a row of binging

someone tell me why i suck so bad?

i need self control. i have it in me, it used to be so strong. food used to scare me. I would never wanna eat it. now it's like if my dads like "you want mcdonalds?" im like hell yeah and eat like two big macs and a large fry. lol

i think im gonna take a nap. it's only 3:30 in the afternoon, i woke up at eight today for dance and usually ima asleep right now. gahh.

tomorrow, 500 calories! I WILL DO IT. I PROMISE YOU.

too scared to weigh myself. not weighing myself until i don't binge. I'm prob like 127 ish by now. oh god i would cry.

why did i take laxatives? I HATE THEM. oh well I deserve the pain.

my friends want me to hang out tonight, but i have a feelin ima have a pretty "shitty" night if you know what i mean,lol. so idk if ima go out or not. im probably gonna be depressed if i end up staying here, but idk. oh well. hopefully the laxatives kick in before the morning, because that would suck. im probably gonna eat somthing when i wake up from my nap so they get to a going.

i miss thin. wahhh.

I'm gonna go write on peoples blogs.

toodle loo.

i want to b/p

my dad made some angel food cake. nom nom nom. smells delish. i tried a bite of it, but just a bite.

if i was to go downstairs, I would eat that whole cake, macoroni and maybe some pancakes with peanut butter.

but i wanna be skinny remember? so I'm not going downstairs. I'm up to 123. thats disgusting.

I'm tired which is kind of odd, since it's 12:30 and usually i dont fall asleep till 3, and i took a fatty nap today.

I'm not going to take my medicine tonight, when  I take it on an empty stomach it feels like its stuck in my throat and i fucking hate it.

Why was it so easy to lose ten pounds in two weeks a couple months ago, but not all I do is find myself binging and purging?

I need more self control. I have it in me, I know I do. I'm going to do this. no more binging and purging.

300 calories tomorrow. lets do this brah.

i dont even know what I'm saying

it isn't about me anymore. this is my life. wake up, smile, slap on a face of makeup and pretend to be someone your not.


i will starve to perfection.


today will be the fucking last day I binge and purge. who needs fucking food? honestly. I will be skinny. I will be skin and bones. I will be tiny.

I want to be perfect. I want to be breathtakingly gourgeous. I wanna feel beautiful.

I know if I would just give my life completely to God I would be happy. somewhere deep down inside me knows that. I don't want to give up smoking and drinking. I don't.

fuck my eating disorder. I know the only way to recover from it is to go to god. I love Jesus, don't get me wrong. I just.. I'm not good enough for him. I can't give my all to him. I'm to selfish.

my binge today was crazy. ugh.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not going to cut.

I hate living. I wish I could just lay in bed all day and never wake up. god I fucking hate me.


I want to be perfect.

longest fucking blogpost ive prob ever wrote, about the randomest shit.

Body dismorphic disorder? nah im just ugly

I took an online test and i marked yes for all of the following. my mom has BDD. I guess I've been noticing some of my same symptoms in her.

but, I'm just ugly. seriously. you don't have to tell me I'm not, I am. I might look alright in one of the pictures on here or on thin or pt, but thats because it was after like the millionth time. I'm really ugly. I have had plenty of people tell me, i'm ugly. it's not a secret, I just am.

Am I okay with it? No. I'm planning on getting plastic surgery when I'm older. a nose job and a boob job, maybe a face lift. and a tummy tuck. who knows.

I've eaten 650 calories today, tomorrow I will be doing the same. AND I WILL EXERCISE CONTINUOUSLY FOR ATLEAST A HALF AN HOUR. i never exercise when I tell myself too, but I'm determined.

my mom was crying to me today how she thought she was so ugly and how she thinks my dad hates her and how she just wants to die. I wish I could feel sorry for my mom, I really do. and don't get me wrong, I do to an extent. I just have this bitterness I guess against my mom. I wish she would of told me I was so so so so pretty. I wish she would of told me she wouldn't change a thing about me. I wish she would of told me I didn't need to lose a single pound. I wish she would of told me I was perfect just the way I was.

but, she didn't. she does now since I've lost 30 lbs and gotten a hair cut, but not when I was fat. oh no. she told me she would pay me money to lose weight.

it's not her fault. shes severly depressed and has bdd. she can't help it. I just wanted a mommy who would of kissed my boo boo's away and told me I was perfect.

I love my mom. I do. she really tries to help me the best of her ability. I know if I was having a bad day, she would give her full attention. she is a good mom.

she just.... is sick. it's not her fault. she just is. and I'm a terrible kid for even being bitter about it, because it's NOT her fault. I should of just realized "okay, moms sick. she doesn't know what shes saying".

im hungry. I really would like to binge right now, but thats out of the question. I have to get to 110 by when school starts, I HAVE TO.

I'm so bored. none of my friends ever wanna do anything so I just have to stay at home and do not shit. I'm sick of being a hermit crab. :/

I wish I had a boyfriend. there i said it! I WANT A FUCKING BOYFRIEND. I want a guy who cares about me. I want a guy who will kiss me on my forehead and tell me everything is gonna be alright. I want a guy I can totally open up to and he'll understand. I want a guy who wont just wanna have sex with me. Who wouldn't even bring it up until I said somthing about it. I want a guy who loves me for me, not the girl I pretend to be. someone who will tell me all day that I'm beautiful. I'll never find a guy like that I guess.

I used to have a guy like that. 7th grade. CJ baker. It took me two years to get over him. to this day I sometimes think about him, and theres a place in my heart that is still hurt by him. he used to tell me repeadetly I was beautiful. we dated for ten months. wah wah wah.

he broke my heart. he called me fat, ugly, whatever you name it. one of the big triggers for my ED. I attempted suicide that year. that was a bad bad year. he would tell all his friends how disgusting I was but then tell me when it was just me and him that he loved me still.

he has a new girlfriend now. shes skinny. and when I say skinny, I mean super skinny, like 90 lbs skinny. she eats whatever she wants too. shes attractive i guess. she has big ears, but she hides it. shes one of those girls that are so rich that they can make there selves look like a fucking goddess. they have been dating for about a year now, and he seems to love her, and she seems to love him. it doesn't bother me I guess. I mean somtimes I catch myself creeping on there facebook and look at there wallposts between eachother saying i love you and such.

I'm glad I'm not with CJ. Him as a person is someone I am not attracted to at all. When I was in love with him (or was I? I was only in 7th grade) I thought he was freaking perfect. but now, I see all his flaws.
-he's really skinny. you know how fucking bad I would feel about myself if I had a boyfriend who was skinnier than me?
-he's your perfect example of a douche bag tool. he tries to get people to laugh at him when he's not even funny.
-he's such a turn off to me. he is everything I don't want in a guy. I want to be able to talk about whatever I want with a guy, not just a few selective topics...
-he will never be happy with what he has. I heard awhile ago that he cheated on the girl he's with now, with a girl who, well lets face it, is a geek. he did it because he could. he did it because he felt cool doing it.
- he thinks hes cool, but hes not. end of story.

I HATE DUDES LIKE THAT.

I got a new kitty today! yay. we havent named him yet. he wont replace my old cat benny though.





I WANT TO EATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT :(

four hundrey and forty five

woot woot! had 445 calories today. the last two days i eneded up binging. took laxatives, which I rarely do because I hate them so much. had to skip dance because i had the case of the shits. lolololololol.

650 calories tomorow. pretty high, but i dont want to binge.

im feeling sort of better. yesterday was tough, i got so angry at my friends yesterday, for not even that big of a reason, somthin that was expected. its whatever though.

i wanna go upstairs, but my dad wont let me. wahh :(

fmlfmlfml.

im gonna get rid of all my razors and such. prob gonna do that soon. the urge is too triggering i cant even deal with it anymore.

i cut.

i fucking fail.


can I please just die already?

sweet sweet suicide.

is all i long for right now.


i binged. like so much pizza. couldn't purge it, so i took laxatives. dunno when there gonna kick in, but I know I'm gonna regret taking them. like honestly. ugh. fml. im so fucking fat. im gross. i wish i could die. i need a fucking ciggarette. badly. im about to just smoke in my bathroom, fuck it. ugh.... can i please just die? i hate living. like honestly. exsisting sucks.

happiness  doesn't exist.

sadness. all around. it's like a deep black hole I can't dig myself out of. it's all I think about. is just depressing thoughts.

I can't even be with people without thinking "do they think I'm ugly? ew I better hide my face because there gonna be appauled. You shouldn't talk to them because there just gonna think your ugly. suck in you fat ass. no one wants to see your fat rolls. why can't you look like all the other girls? there skinny, pretty, everything your not. you'll never compare to any of them. never. so just stop trying. you suck. you should just die"



all i wanna do, is just die. you don't understand. I'm done fighting. I can't do it anymore.

I need a fucking ciggarette.

119.

I've broken the 120's. Idk how long it will stay like that, I'm just praying it'll be even smaller tomorrow. I started the skinny girl diet yesterday, and the cool thing about that is you can eat as much fruit and veggies as you want and not count them! woot. so if I ever break into starving mode, I can eat some healthy shtuff :D

When the diet is over it'll be the first day of school, I'm hoping I'll be atleast 105 by then, at the most 110. I know I can make it to 110. 100 is my ugw but since 110 is still actually healthy I'm going to see if I'm happy. 106 is the lowest I can go and still be healthy. If I'm not happy by that then I'll get down to 100. hopefully I'm happy with 100, because even though my mind tells me that 90 lbs is beautiful and will make boys like me, I've heard otherwise. It's so werid how I think these skinny girls who i used to find gross looking now seem like so beautiful.morphed mind. blech.

I'm pretty hungry. I might eat some veggies, I dunno yet. going to have people over to swim later. yayayayayay. see ya.

I can't do anything right

I feel like I pretty much fail at everything. honestly. I can't stand who I am. I've been so utterly depressed lately I don't know what to do.

I wish I was just, pretty. I was just perfect. I wish I had some self-worth and some mother fucking self confidence. I wish I wasn't so god damn selfish. You know there kids in africa who's biggest worry is if they can find food today? and yet I'm so fucking self absorbed into my looks. god. I disgust myself.


I've been thinking more and more about suicide. just fucking doing it. just fucking not caring who gives a fuck about me. but that would be selfish. I don't want to be selfish. I want to be perfect.


I wanna be flawless in every sense of the word. I wanna have the perfect body and the perfect face. I wanna be cute. I want to be loved. all I've ever wanted was just to felt genuinely cared about by a boy. I want someone to kiss my forehead and tell me I'm beautiful. I want love. I want to feel it deep in my bones. I want it. I thrive for it. I want fucking attention.

I want someone to want me, to notice me, to like me, to love me, to hold me, to kiss me, to miss me.


I'm disgusting.

Bingebingebingebinge

Eat purge eat purge. Why do I suck so much?

I hate living.

yoyoyoyoyoyo

@KILLA KRISTEN. it wont let me reply to your comment, but i sent you a message because I can't look at your blog! :( when I go to it it says I don't have permission to read this because I'm not an adult or some shit. I'm really upset because I wanna read it. wahhhhh :(

so anyways, I binged today badly. twice. in the morning i purged but i didnt tonight, nothing would come up. im fasting tomorrow.

PRETTYTHIN FUCKING PISSES ME OFF. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. there basically kissing james feet over there, yuckedyyuckyuck.

im really pissed at myself for binging. it just happened. im going to fast tomorrow though for sureee.

don't have much else to say, mainly just wanted to post so kristen would see this. :D duecess!

Yaaay

managed to reach my goal of 600 calories today. ALMOST BINGED ON BROWNIES, BUT I DIDNT! YAAAAAAAAAAY! i was so happy you have no idea. it took everything in me not too, because brownies are so delish, but i didn't! I'm at 121, hopefully shrinkinng!

*yawn* so tired. I should work more on the layout of my blog since it looks like poop, but I'm too lazy. haha, maybe tomorrow?

so glad that I'm on thin now! (thehelpIneed.webs.com) so supportive and wonderful. so done with the fucking dictatorship on PT. i seriously loved that site, but just in a few days it changed and got horrible. the site owner literately doesn't give a fuck about anyone on there. he just wants money and publicity. he doesn't care about eating disorders or any of it. if he did,he would of understood where everyone was coming from.

im hungry, but its not botherin me! haha.

well im gonna hit the hay, gonna start commenting on some blogs tomorrow, my goal is to be more active. :D

PT sucks

The leader james is like fucking hitler. considering leaving, I just need support, and don't know where else to go. :/

had 800 calories today, it's a lot but im trying to get out of the binging cycle. tomorrow will be 600 calories.


don't have much to do, no plans for tonight. im prob gonna try to make my blog look all shnazzy, after looking at all yours i get so jealous :)

lolwut

sister caught me purging today. talk about awkward. she told my parents. she also said that she thinks PT made me start doing it. lol alright.

just bingedd hella. brownies, chips, and mac and cheese. purged in the shower. thats prob my new spot.

buuuuuuut, i'm going to stop b/ping. (lol well ima try) for real hardcore. i hate it. everytime i do it im just like "yuck food" but then 5 hours later BAM i do it all again.

jgsidojfisfhjsi. why can't I just be skinny like all the other girls? like honestlyy i wish i didnt have to work for this shit. i wish i was just perfect.

the girls i use to look at and think there skeletons now look like fucking goddess's to me. I guess when someone called me out on that today it kinda made me realize that my perception of beautiful has been fucked up.

ask me a couple of years ago if I would wanna look like some of those girls I would of said "hell no, there to skinny." but now all i see is beauty, pure perfection. with there thigh gaps and there flat tummys. I prob look like a lesbo just admiring all the skinny girls I see but its whatever.

my tummy hurts from purging too much, i feel like dizzy. i mean i usually feel dizzy but usually it stops, but it hasn'tt. hopefully ill die or sumtin LOLZJK DOO.


sister is right now lecturing me about PT as I'm typing this. nigga she trippin

so carlton texted me wanting to hang outt idk what to say... i dont really want too. maybe i should just throw out the cold shoulder? i mean hey its summer i dont have to see him anymore. if i hang out with im gonna do shit with him. everyone i talk to about it with other people there just like "dont do it" but i cant.

i have cuts all over my legs too not attractive.

kkkkkk im done here man byeee!bl

b/p on repeat.

tried to do the master cleanse but ended up binging and purging. blech.


i hatee my fat self. yuck. I fail at everything.

I'm not going to cut. I'm not. as much as I want too, I'm not.

I never ever ever ever wanna eat again.


dfdfmosdifkdsmfksfkldsflkdsfjkfd. ugh. I hate myself.

.

I feel as if I need to love myself. I need to accept who I am and what I look like. I don't even know where to begin with that. Honestly loving myself just seems like a foreign language. I feel as if I don't deserve to love myself. I feel as if I would love the way I looked I would just be another ugly girl that think shes hot shit but shes not. I feel I would be cocky. I feel like I don't deserve it honestly. Someone like me shouldn't be loved by any one, esspecially not herself.


But, I want to love me. I want to. I feel as if I shouldn't, but I want too. I feel as if I don't deserve it, but I want too. how do I get somthing I shouldn't have? How do I get somthing I don't deserve? How?

I don't know. I just don't. I don't know where to begin with anything.


I'm see my therapist tomorow at 11. Hopefully my regular one is back, I miss her. shes gonna be dissapointed I've rellapsed into cutting.


I wish I was skinny. the end.

b-e-autiful

beautiful-

1. Pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.

2. Of a very high standard; excellentthis is what is consider beautiful, by the way. I typed in google, "what is beautiful" I show you what I found in my research.

  Prototypic female face of high attractiveness                                                                                               Prototypic female face of low attractiveness
                                                                                                                               ("unsexy face")
("sexy face")                                                                     

Characteristic features of the female "sexy face" in comparison to the "unsexy face":

• Suntanned skin 
• Narrower facial shape 
• Less fat 
• Fuller lips 
• Slightly bigger distance of eyes 
• Darker, narrower eye brows 
• More, longer and darker lashes 
• Higher cheek bones 
• Narrower nose 
• No eye rings 

• Thinner lids 

well, lets see how I match up, shall we?

1.suntanned skin- well I'm pale as a ghost. so next.
2.narrower facial shape-hmm well lets see. I never really examined what kinds of face I have. I would say its more ovalish, so nope.
3.less fat-ha ha ha ha.ha. well my bmi is at a healthy range. but I still feel fat as fuck. so idk about this one. one might say I'm normal. but I'm not thin, or atleast I don't feel thin.
4.fuller lips- deff not. My lips are as small as they come.
5.slightly bigger, distant of eyes- my eyes are pretty small actually. i guess theres a distant between them? im not sure.
6. darker narower eyebrows- my eye brows are blond. there also sort of bushy right now, so nada.
7.more longer, darker lashes- without mascara, My eye lashes are blond. so nope.
8.higher cheek bones- well in my opinion, I feel as if there not high. but idk if thats accurate, just my opinion.
9.narower nose- my nose is long, it's not fat, it's just long. I hate my nose. I have a bump on it. so I wouldn't consider it beautiful.
10.no eye rings- You mean black circles? well I got those. next.
11.thinner lids.-like, eye lids? to be honest, I'm not sure. I guess so?

so, in the worlds perception, I'm unattractive. does this phase me? No. why not? why doesn't a girl with such low self esteem get sad after hearing this?

because sad thing, I already knew this. I'm not attractive.

I don't have BDD, or eating disorder, or anything. science proves I'm ugly.

this is all.

well hello there

FIRST OFF. I wanted to comment back what RavenKat14 said, but for some reason blogger is not letting me do it, grr. anyways, I really appreciate what you said, and I'm glad you can see where I was coming from, because I thought most people wouldn't understand. and thank you very much, it means a lot. xoxoxo.


so anyways back to blog. yesterday I walked/danced in the vp parade in st louis and ended up passing out and throwing up. it was bad. i had like 15 people around me pouring water on me. i legit had everything against me.
1. was hungover
2. only slept for like two hours
3.didn't eat anything
4. on my period
5. IT WAS LIKE HOT AS FUCK.

lol. but yeah it sucked. my party sucked too. i had a bad drunk. i thought like everyone was out to get me and everyone was talking about me. it was the scariest thing of my life, I just made myself go to sleep. it sucked. my birthday is in two days. yay for being 16.

I did somthing stupid today. I've been doing it for a long time, and I'm not going to say what it is, because no one knows. But lets just say this time I did it it really could of led to ruining my life. I was going to do it today. I was gonna end it all. I called kuto and told them the deep secret, they didn't know much to say. It just helped crying it out and talking I guess. I don't want to think about what happened. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk about it. but I doubt anyone would be able to understand. So I'm done...

I b/p today. I prob will tomorow too. for my birthday, I'm just gonna try to be happy and eat whatever.

I hate how fat I am. I'm getting huge. my sister caught me purging today. I just lied and lied but she didn't believe me. whatever.

I'm out baiiii

every day i shufflin.

i love lmfao <3

anyways, I'm having my party tomorrow, bout to get to fucked up. sucks because I have to wake up at like 6 am and go to a parade for dance. dance blows, but hey i would be super fat if i didnt do it. its my workout for everyday.

my mom makes me cry. she tells me how much she hates her life and how much she wants to die. she says she has nothing to live for. she makes me just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

my parents got in a big fight today which triggerd me to cut myself. idk why it bothers me, I should just be used to it by now. I dont really think about it that often but my family is really messed up. were al just living. we dont like eachother. were hanging on by a thread. we have debt coming out of our asses and me and my mom have mental disorders. my sister hates my mom for not being there when she needed her. my dad is literately doing everything he can to keep a fake smile on. my brothers dont live with us, and my brother daniel doesnt want anything to do with us. our house is a shit hole. yeah its big, but its so messy. my mom has not been able to function ever since my cat benny died. its just fucked up. my family is not happy. were all just waiting to either leave the house, or die.

i wanna be happy. ive realised today that the reason why I have so much self hatred is because of other people. Isnt that fucked up? Its called self hatred because it comes from yourself. but for me, other people have made me hate myself. because I was teased, because my friends were so much prettier than me, because my friends could eat whatever they want and never gain weight, because my friends always had a boy that liked them, because my friends were so neat and proper, and I was so messy and unorganized, because they all played sports and I didn't, because there house was always clean, because there mommy's made there lunches, because I said things when I wasn't supposed to, because I didn't always get new clothes, because my hair was red, because I was pale, because I was raised from a strict family, because I grew up faster, because I was different.
since I wasnt like everyone else. things that common people shared, i didn't share. Ive tried to be like someone else for so long I dont know who I am. I was made fun of for that. society told me "Hey,you dont look/act/think like the rest of us, so your not worthy of love" so I wasn't aloud to love myself.



I'll never be perfect. I'll never be like everyone else. I'll never meet the worlds expectations. So why should I be against myself since so many other people are?
because society wants me to be like everyone else.

I just need to learn to love myself<------------------------hahahahaha. thats a funny joke.

but really, I need to stop living by the worlds expectations and figure out my own.


now all I have to do is find out how to do that.........

so i over-reacted before.

ive been binging and purging like zonkers. blood came up this time. you think i would stop, but i binged more and more blood came up.... oh wellz.

carlton has been texting me. i was kind of flirting with him yesterday, but idk. i dont really like himm? so idk. he wants to hang out with me. i dont want too.

....i dont know what else to write about. im thinking that this eating disorder or whatever you wanna call it is ruining my life. im seeing my therapist tomorrow......maybe ill ask to help recover.

taking a handful of pills

seems fucking awesome right now.

I hate my very existence.

I hate my family.im so angry right now, I just want to keep on cutting myself until i bleed to death. I fucking hate everything! I suck at life. Im never gonna be good enough. All I want is to be happy. I'll never be happy. I hate myself, I hate everything about me. I hate my life. I don't give a fuck if I'm lucky, you think I don't know that shit?

I don't know what to do anymore! I legit just want to kill myself. I hate living. I told my therapists I would be strong, but I'm just sick of fighting! It's to hard, I'm not strong enough to change my life. I'll always be to fat and too ugly. My thinking will never change. I'll never be happy. I just want to die. I don't want to live anymore. I hate life. I hate everything. Ill never be the girl everyone else wants me to be. I'll never live up to the worlds expectations. I'll always just be ugly kaci. Sure I'm nice, but no one appreciates that. You can't just be nice to get by in this world.

The only one that accepts me is god. It's even hard for me to wrap my head around that he loves me.


I hate my fat self. I hate everything. I'm repulsive. I. Just. Want. To. Die.


Please take me god. I hate this world. Im never going to be good enough for it, so why live? I'm too fucking weird and not like everyone else. No one will accept me but you. I just want to be in heaven with you and my kitty.

Darknesss just surrounds me. I'm trapped in this whole and I'll never get out.


I hate life, I hate me. Ugh. I need to die.

Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die.
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat f

I faiiiiiiil

I binge and binge and binge.

New diet(if you wanna call it that)

Breakfast-fiber bar (90 calories)
Lunch-fruits and veggies (up to 150 calories)
Dinne-lean casine (200-300 calories)
Snack-Popsicle (15 calories)

So at the highest I will be eating 555 calories. I prob imagine on daily I'll be eating 500 though. I'm doing this to at least Sunday. Hopefully I can stick through it and not binge!
I have dance tomorrow so that's two hours of exercise right there. I'm going to start looking at thinspo every morning so I'll be motivated for the day.

I miss my kitty :( :( :( he was my baby. Whenever I had a bad day i would curl up to him. I loved him so much. My whole family did. Even my dad was balling his eyes out. It just sucks. He has to be in heaven. God loves the animals. He made each and every one of them. Why wouldn't he send them to heaven? I know Benny is in heaven, he has to be.

Welll I'm too lazy to go downstairs to take my anti depressants. Lol oh wells. See ya.

todays a depressing day.

my baby kitty benny died today. he was amazing. i loved him so much <3

alll ive wanted to do today was eat my feelings. but i cant do that, cuz ill get fat. :<



today is just an fml day.

Catching up

Well I just got home from Florida from chuch camp. I've realized how much I do truly love god.
I'm always running away from him because I feel like I'll never be good enough for him. I know I still do bad things, but I'm working on it. All I want to do is just praise him.
I've gained so much weight! I'm 124 and was a whopping 127 the day I came back. WTF. I'm sick of bingeing and purging. I just need to be strong. I know I can do it. It's just going to take some will power. I'm going to fast. Deff tomorrow. It's just do hard cuz things always come up, but I'm just gonna have to stick through it. I hate food. It's so gross. All I wanna do is just be thin.
I relapsed on cutting. It sucks. It's taking control over me..... I don't know what to do anymore.
I passed my drug test my parents gave me. So suck on that mom & dad.
I have therapy on Tuesday. Yippee, its not with my regular girl though, so I'm not too excited.
I just want to die. I don't know why I haven't killed myself yet. I hate life. I just want to go to heaven with Jesus.

I'll write tomorrow. Hopefully my fast goes well. Byeeeee

why can't I stop eating?

all i do is eat. fucking eat and eat and eat. im stuffed. when I think about foods I get grossed out like legit I do not want to eat. but when I start eating, I can't stop. ugh. Im stuffed. and I cant even puke because someone will hear me. i hate my fucking fat ass self. god im gonna gain so much weight. seriously I NEVER WANT TO EAT AGAIN. god. FUCK. like literately in the shittiest mood. I just wanna cut.............:/ idk. maybe just a lil bit? it might make me feel better. ive been doing so good though...ugh. idk. i think i might. i deserve it.................... :( whatever. im done. my fat self can just go die or somthin. kbye.

enter lame ass title here.

well I went to therapy about two days ago. I never knew how much I could ramble. hahaha. I found out a lot out about myself though. I mean things I already knew, but I didn't analyze a lot of the things. I never asked myself the why question.

basically, we found out I have a very low opinion of myself (duh) lol. and i guess the goal for therapy is to love myself. but I don't see that happening anytime soon.

I'VE GAINED SO MUCH WEIGHT. FUCK.

125. ew.ew.ew.ew.ew.ew. I've been bingeing and purging and binging and purging.

lol I miss being anorexic and starving myself..... HA JK. pro ana moment lolz. but for real just kidding I wasn't trying to offend anyone.

I JUST WANNA EAT. lol. but i cannnnnnntt cuz ill get fat. and I suck balls at purging. like fast food i can purge and like ice cream and stuff. but things like chips cookies and any kind of crackers and foods like that I can not purge worth shit. I suck at life. wahhh.

ehhhh well I'm done. prob have to go clean some more today. i wonder if anyones home? its been weridly quiet here. ehh. well duces lovelies.

stillfat.

im a fuckin hippo. my stomach hurts from bingeing. fuck me.
hate life. fuck. i need to just die.
gahhbye,

and also,

I'm putting distractions for cutting on here, someone posted it on PT and absloutley loved it. everytime I do one I'm gonna cross it out, I'm going to try to do all of them. hehe, I have werid coping mechanisms, I know.

1. Exercise

2. Putting on fake tattoos
3. Drawing on yourself in red marker (make sure it's washable!)
4. Scribbling on sheets an sheets of paper
5. Writing (poetry, stories, journal, etc.)
6. Cuddling with a stuffed toy
7. Being with other people
8. Watching a favorite TV show (preferably a comedy)
9. Posting on web boards, and answering others' posts
10. Thinking about how I DON'T want scars for the summer
11. Painting your nails
12. Going to see a movie
13. Eating something ridiculously sweet (or any favorite food)
14. Doing school work
15. Surf the net
16. Go into chat rooms to talk
17. Call a friend and ask for company
18. Playing a musical instrument
19. Singing
20. Looking up at the sky (night is especially beautiful) .
21. Redo this list.
22. Punching a punching bag (with gloves on)
23. Shoot rubberbands across the room.
24. Cover yourself with band-aids where you want to cut
25. Mix warm water and red food coloring, and put in on your skin (feels and looks like blood)
26. Letting yourself cry (can be very difficult for some)
27. Sleep (only if you are tired)
28. A hot shower, or relaxing bath (no razors in the tub, though)
29. Play with a pet
30. Detangling yarn or necklaces
31. Re-organizing your room
32. Cleaning
33. Having a pillowfight with the wall (yes, neighbors may think you are crazy, but that's ok)
34. Knitting or sewing
35. Reading a good book
36. Dressing up very glamorous (make sure no one can walk in on you, though)
37. Coloring my hair
38. Listening to music (try yo use calm music)
39. Watching a candle burn (no playing with the flames!)
40. Finding someone else you can help out
41. Meditate
42. Watching a scary (but not bloody, but if bloody movies help, than watch a bloody one) movie.
43. Work on a website
44. Have a vivid fantasy love affair with a celebrity
45. Go somewhere very public
46. Bake
47. Alphabetize your CD's
48. Chewing leather (especially if you SI by biting)
49. Buy a home Henna tatoo kit (peels off the next day-similar to skin picking)
50. Painting or drawing
51. Ripping paper into itty-bitty pieces
52. Hugs-(this one is very nice...)
53. Writting letters or email
54. Talk to yourself (or if that feels weird, buy a small tape recorder-I then feel like someone is listening)
55. Stroke nice fabrics
56. Hug a pillow
57. Hyperfocus on something like a rock, hand, etc.
58. fingerprint
59. Scream real loud (make sure no one is home!)
60. Dance
61. Make hot chocolate (mmmmm....)
62. pop bubble wrap
63. play with modelling clay or Play-Dough
64. count to one hundred
65. Build a pillow fort
66. pop balloons
67. Hug yourself
69. Reading things in a different language
70. Going for a nice, long drive
71. Complete something you've been putting off
72. Drinking absurd amounts of tea
73. Breaking plastic plates
74. Tearing up socks
75. Throwing socks against the wall
76. Archery
77. Rock climbing
78. Take up a new hobby
79. Organize bills and such
80. Cook a meal
81. Go out for ice cream
82. Buy a stuffed animal

83. Look at pretty things-like flowers or artwork
84. Create Something
85. Pray
86. Randomly wave at people
87. Make a list of blessings in your life
88. Read the Bible
89. Go to a friend's house
90. Take up fencing
91. Watch an old, happy movie
92. Call a Help hotline or your Therapist
93. Talk to someone close to you that knows
94. Throw a temper-tantrum
95. Hit things-other than yourself
96. Ride a bicycle.
97. Polish silver or jewelry.
98. Gardening or watering house plants
99. Memorizing poetry
100. CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!
101. Feed the ducks or birds or squirrels, etc.
102. Draw on the walls
103. Play with facepaint
104. Do very Glamerous make-up
105. Colour with crayons
106. Memorise a novel or play or song
107. Put on boots and STAMP
108. Stretch
109. Find butterflies
110. Watch fish
111. Come up with baby names (even if you're not pregnant)
112. Make mashed potatoes
113. Make a tape of your favorite songs
114. Name all of your stuffed animals
115. Go shopping
116. Get into PJ's and just veg.
117. Buy cheap teddy bears and take out anger on them instead of self.
118. Throw everything (except glass) into the centrer
119. Go to a loud concert
120. Play the 15 minute game (say you can't cut for 15 minutes, and when the time is up, start again)
121. Plan your wedding / prom
122. Hunt for stuff on Ebay (you can find ANYTHING there)
123. Alphabetize your books
124. Hunt for your perfect home in the paper
125. Take up Tai Chi
126. Try to make as many words out of your full name as possible, then do your friends names)
127. count ceiling tiles/lights
129. search ridiculous things on the web
130. color-co-ordinate your wardrobe
131. do a home tan on yourself
132. sort all your photographs
133. color (or scribble) over the pretty women in magazines
134. plan a dinner party
135. play with a slinky
136. but yourself some toys and play
137. start collecting something
138. get a tattoo / piercing
139. play video/computer games
140. do a trash clean at your local park
141. Play on a swingset
142. go out and perform a random act of kindness for someone
143. call up an old friend
144. write yourself an "I love you because" letter
145. put on fake nails
146. try to build something
147. re-arrange your house
148. go to a public place and people watch
149. go through all your old stuff
150. go bargain - hunting
151. smile at least five people (you usually end up smiling genuinely yourself.)
152. go to the zoo and rename all the animals.
153. go for a peaceful walk.
154. Love you. Cuz I do. Put down the razor for all of these reasons