Haven't posted in so long.

It's crazy to see my old blog posts. To some degree they are almost cringe worthy.

I've grown up a lot since then. I'm a senior in college and have only one semester left and then I'm on to my internship! I work around 30-40 hours a week, and I am full on adulting.

I have a boyfriend, who I've been dating for almost ten months now. He's great.


I should be happy. I HAVE been happy for such a long time. But these past couple of months, I have felt myself sliding back into my old ways.

A couple weeks will go by and I'll be fine, but then a couple more will come and I'll feel out of control, crying all the time, angry towards my boyfriend, etc.

I can't believe Ken hasn't left me. I feel like I ask so much of him and all he does is love me. He is so good.

I put him up on this high pedestal and then when he doesn't reach my expectations I began to hate him. Like to the point I cannot stand him. In my head it seems rational, but when I start to talk about it it doesn't.

I don't know whats wrong with me. I was doing so good. I don't have time to be like this anymore. I am not a child. I am twenty one years old. By this time next year, I will hopefully have a real time job  with a degree in social work, helping people who had similar problems I had. I can't still be like this by then. I need to get it together. I'm not on antidepressants anymore. I'm not going to counseling. I've been debating about going down the road again.

My mom thinks I'm like this because of the new birth control I'm on. She could be right. I don't know though. I started taking it in the summer and I didn't start feeling like this probably until late September. She read a study that birth control can make borderline personality disorder worse. My mom looks way too much into things sometimes though.

I need to be on birth control so I'm hoping that's not it. I'm just over feeling like this.

Me and my boyfriend spend about 4-5 days a week with each other. I've decided it's for the best if we knock that down to about 3-4 days a week. I pay rent for my apartment and I barely even stay here because I'm always at his. Todays the first day in about 3-4 days I've stayed at mine. I'm going to stay here tomorrow as well. Maybe I just need to miss him some. I don't know.

We used to have sex like all the time, at least 2-3 times a week. Now we only have sex like once every other week. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it really does. I wonder if he's cheating one (there would be no way he could, he's always with me) or if he doesn't find me attractive anymore. He swears it's not any of those things and that I'm just thinking too much into things. But he does change the subject quite fast when I bring it up. He says it's just because that was puppy love. Idk. Sex just makes me feel closer to him, so when we don't have sex I don't feel as close and I get irritated with him more.

Does that mean I truly don't love him? I don't know, I don't think so. I could truly see my life with Ken. I would be happy and content with being with him for the rest of my life. I just can't describe it.

Why can't I ever just truly be happy for once? Things start to get better, and then my brain just decides to fuck everything up.

Maybe I just feel like this with him because I'm not happy myself and it's reflecting on my relationship. Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe he's the cause. I couldn't tell you. I don't want to break up with him, he's the only person I have here. I love him. I do. Maybe we just need some time apart. not like breaking up, just not hanging out. I need to do some soul searching.

I love Ken. Typing this all out really makes me come to that conclusion. I don't know whats wrong with me.

I just need to snap out of this and grow up. I don't have time to be like this. I'm on my period so maybe it'll pass in a week. Who knows. All I know is this is exhausting.

Things to leave in 2015

-ex boyfriends
-tinder
-STEVEN
-boys who are friends but not really
-being fat
-giving a fuck
- Steven again bcuz fuck him
- negativity
- feeling like shit about yourself
-any guy that is currently in your life

I'm old and still doingg this shit lol

I forgot about this blog lol

It's been so long since I've wrote

I was really happy but then my ex started contacting me so idk

I've been drinking heavily and doing coke

So I'm sad

But I'm leaving for a new college in a few weeks

Im not sure if I want to leave. I mean I guess I do.

But what is the point of life? Seriously?

It's 7 am and I'm still fucked up

And I seriously don't Even know why

I'm dumb and so if life

I hope my pillow that I left at your house smells like me. I hope you find pieces of my hair in your bed. I hope when you're doing laundry you'll find my shirt. I hope when you open your bathroom cabinets you find my toothbrush. I hope you'll find my shampoo and body wash in your shower and youll breath in it's smell. I hope you see my pictures on social media. I hope your mom asks about me and asks why you left me when I was the only girl that truly ever cared. I hope you realize what a mistake you made, and when you finally realize it, I'll be long gone.


You always want what you can have but honey you can not have me.

Ugh

Part of me wants to be self destructive and part of me wants to get my shit together. What part shall I listen to?

Steven broke up with me and were done but it's a good thing it just hurts like hell.

I cut myself :/ and I want to cut more. And get drunk and kill myself

I haven't ate today at all and I feel fine. I just don't care about anything right now

Idk

Kinda wanna kill myself

I won't but it sounds very nice

I've been off my medicine for about a month now because I thought I was doing good and I could do good without it but apparently not.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I'm way over my head. I just don't want to do this anymore.

I haven't cut in like a year but it sounds so nice right now

I'm sad lately. Haven't took my anti depressants in weeks so that probably has something to do with it.

I cried pretty hard today.

I'm dating a guy who I like but I don't think I want to be with him.

It's moving too fast.

I like him but he tells me he loves me and yeah I say it back but I don't mean it

But like it's like I'm too far gone I can't change my mind

I was doing so good. Boys are always what fuck me up.

Mynor has been talking to me. Shhhwhat

I'm letting myself get bad again

And it's all my fault. How does God still forgive me?

I've binged and purged all day today

And now I'm getting drunk. In my room. By myself.

Because I'm fucking pathetic.

I fucking love you so much it hurts.
You don't even care

Ughh

I'm fat. My body is so disgusting. I can't believe I let myself get this big. I hate my body I hate my body I hate my fucking body

David

I'm confused on who I am, and who I want to be.
What is right, what is wrong.
Why does it feel right and feel wrong at the same time?
I know the norm but what if the norm is wrong?
Or what if I'm just telling myself that to make me feel better.
All I know is I feel like shit.
I'm sore.
I think I love him, or I want to, or I'm just extremely infatuated.
He claims he cares but really I'm just a toy to him. Something to make his ego stronger.
I'm not as stupid as I seem. I feel so inferior and like a little girl to him.

But it's fine.. I guess.

What should I do what should I do. I dream of suicide.

Maybe I should just focus everything on getting skinny. I don't wanna deal with anything else.

I hate him actually. But god I want him. I crave him. I need him.

I hate him. I thought I wanted him to have that control but I don't.

Oh David...

Torn

I'm torn between wanting to make something out of my life or just destroying it.

I want to be happy and shit it's just I don't really know how.

Like I could eat healthy 1200-1300 calories and exercise. Clean my room and decorate it cute.

But I start to get obsessed and part of me just wants to eat 500 calories. If I can't be pretty I might as well be skinny.

David is going to see me in a few weeks and I'm really fat so I want to lose weight fast because he's going to see me naked. I'm fucking repulsive.

I know eating disorder = bad
Healthy eating = good

I just get too obsessed ugh it's always all of nothing.

I know what I need to do to be happy.

1. No boys right now.
2. Find god
3. No drinking/smoking
4. Eat healthy, none under 1200 calories
5. Go on walks
6. Spend time with family.
7. Stop cussing.
8. No porn or any sexual things.

I just need to give up the things that feel good in the moment.

I can't though. I'm so weak.

I don't want to give up David, even though he's not going to lead me closer to where I want to be.

So I guess I'm going to try to restrict for a little until I just see David so I can lose this weight, then I'll go back to healthy eating.

David is the only guy I can have any kind of relationship with. Turn down all other guys

Read bible everyday/pray everyday.

I can't stop cold turkey with everything but I'm going to try.

Part of me things I'm an alcoholic I always want to drink, and when I can't drink I get upset.

I'm so ugly Ughh my underbite is digusting

I have a fat face and fat legs and fat everything

Lol I'm so ADD.

Someone help me

None of this even makes sense lol

It's like I want to be happy and I know the things I do ultimately won't make me happy but I can't stop doing them.

Every time I leave counseling I'm always down to change my life but shit never happens. I suck so much.

Boys will never make me happy. Why can't i just accept that.

He has so much charm but he's not good. He doesn't want me he wants someone else and he wants to make me her.

I'm too fat for him and I'm not physically fit for him and he wants to meet up with me but I don't want him to see me naked.

Can I just maybe ignore him until he goes away? It's what I do best.

But part of me doesn't want him to go away.

I don't know if I want a d/s relationship anymore. Sex is great but I really don't know if it's healthy for me.

And this is when I get suicidal because I just don't wanna deal with any of it anymore

So

I'm such a fucking disappointment omg

The person I am or have been is not who I wanna be.

How did I end up here?

I know the answer honestly, by making the wrong decisions a million times, the same one over and over again.

Who do I want to be? Honestly the first thing that comes to my mind is pretty. How fucking shallow am I.
But my mind thinks being pretty will make me happy. Who knows maybe it will.

But ultimately I just want to be happy and learn how to like myself.

I need to learn how to accept who I am.
For my flaws and all, and realize you can't fix all of them.


Do you ever just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world because it hurts to look at yourself in the mirror and you can just feel yourself getting bigger and bigger

Please make it stop someone fix me

It's bad again

It's getting bad again

I pretended like I was okay and what I was doing was okay because it wasn't really me. It's that other side of me.

But I admitted everything to my counselor and it felt so real. It was me. This IS me. What I'm doing isn't normal and isn't okay. It's dangerous and it doesn't fix anything.

So I go back to my eating disorder because hell always take me back with open arms right? Of course as long as I follow his rules.

I always have to have something. I can't deal with my problems if I don't have something. Whether it be cutting, boys, eating disorder, alcohol, drugs, whatever. When I have that something all my thoughts are wrapped around that

Not what a pathetic piece of stupid fat shit I am. I'm so fucking lazy. I sleep all the fucking time. I can't even fucking do my homework because I'm such a piece of fucking shit. I'm depressed. I'm anxious I'm fucking psychotic.

I'm so hideous and I'm so stupid and I'm awkward and no one will ever truly love me because who is this person they are even loving I don't know who she is and when I try to find her she's hiding because it's not safe to be who you really are

I wish I could hide in my room forever.

Please someone kill me.

Drunk and sad but what's new

I've turned into such a slut in the past month and I liked it because I was having sex and not feeling attached to these men and just enjoying myself.

But last night I had sex with such an intelligent attractive sexy man. We met online and he bought a hotel and dinner and lunch. And he drove 5 hours to see  me. I think he doesn't like me now though! :(

I look skinnier in my pictures but truth is I'm not and now I think he's regretting it. I don't think he likes me it could just be my mind talkin but come on like this guy is omg and he's 28 and I'm nothing to him and I'm just nothing I feel like. I wanna text him but I don't know. I want to cut myself so badly Omg I start fucking school tomorrow too.

Please just let me die please. I want to die so fucking bad. I just binged and purged and it sucks because not enough if coming out just the tacos I ate.

I'm sorry for whoever is reading this because it was  fuckjbg dumb

Fuck me

I didn't eat anything all day, then got drunk and of course binged and purged. I need to loose wait by Saturday I have tooo. I purged in a trash bag because I couldn't go to a bathroom because my family's home. How embarrassing is that. I hope I got most of it out. Purging makes me feel empty but honestly it doesn't really work. If anything it just helps me maintain.

My brother who is home for the week is always on my case. He doesn't like how I'm always in my room and how I sleep till noon. Sorry I'm not perfect!!!

I want to purge more actually I want to fucking cut but I can't because a boy is going to see me naked this weekend so ya

Fuck me. Ugh. I hate myself.

My eating disorder is like an abusive boyfriend. I feel so good without it in the long run but for I love it. He's addicting.

Why can't I cut without it leaving any scars

Why can't I cry with no one listening
Why can't I eat and not get fat
Why can't I be pretty like all those girls
Why can't I stick up for myself
Why am I so fucked up?
I think I'm better but I'm fucking not. I'm insane. I'm not in the right mind.

I need to lose weight and get rid of my acne and get whiter teeth so I'll be pretty and guys will like me. Or maybe just maybe I'll like me. Can I just like me?

Holy fuck I want to cut I want to cut.

I should of done Molly tonight maybe I wod feel better.

I hate this person I am. Someone please help me. Get this person away from me. I hate her.

Don't you get it? I can't stand me. I hate me. I'm ugly and awful and I suck.

I wish I was beautiful. And skinny. Why do girls that are mean get to be pretty and tan? Why do I not get that.

I'll always be just kaci. The redhead. Nothing special. Always nothing special.

Why does the world make me hate myself? Why was I so forced in my brain that it's not okay to love me.