Torn

I'm torn between wanting to make something out of my life or just destroying it.

I want to be happy and shit it's just I don't really know how.

Like I could eat healthy 1200-1300 calories and exercise. Clean my room and decorate it cute.

But I start to get obsessed and part of me just wants to eat 500 calories. If I can't be pretty I might as well be skinny.

David is going to see me in a few weeks and I'm really fat so I want to lose weight fast because he's going to see me naked. I'm fucking repulsive.

I know eating disorder = bad
Healthy eating = good

I just get too obsessed ugh it's always all of nothing.

I know what I need to do to be happy.

1. No boys right now.
2. Find god
3. No drinking/smoking
4. Eat healthy, none under 1200 calories
5. Go on walks
6. Spend time with family.
7. Stop cussing.
8. No porn or any sexual things.

I just need to give up the things that feel good in the moment.

I can't though. I'm so weak.

I don't want to give up David, even though he's not going to lead me closer to where I want to be.

So I guess I'm going to try to restrict for a little until I just see David so I can lose this weight, then I'll go back to healthy eating.

David is the only guy I can have any kind of relationship with. Turn down all other guys

Read bible everyday/pray everyday.

I can't stop cold turkey with everything but I'm going to try.

Part of me things I'm an alcoholic I always want to drink, and when I can't drink I get upset.

I'm so ugly Ughh my underbite is digusting

I have a fat face and fat legs and fat everything

Lol I'm so ADD.

Someone help me