I'm letting myself get bad again

And it's all my fault. How does God still forgive me?

I've binged and purged all day today

And now I'm getting drunk. In my room. By myself.

Because I'm fucking pathetic.

I fucking love you so much it hurts.
You don't even care

Ughh

I'm fat. My body is so disgusting. I can't believe I let myself get this big. I hate my body I hate my body I hate my fucking body

David

I'm confused on who I am, and who I want to be.
What is right, what is wrong.
Why does it feel right and feel wrong at the same time?
I know the norm but what if the norm is wrong?
Or what if I'm just telling myself that to make me feel better.
All I know is I feel like shit.
I'm sore.
I think I love him, or I want to, or I'm just extremely infatuated.
He claims he cares but really I'm just a toy to him. Something to make his ego stronger.
I'm not as stupid as I seem. I feel so inferior and like a little girl to him.

But it's fine.. I guess.

What should I do what should I do. I dream of suicide.

Maybe I should just focus everything on getting skinny. I don't wanna deal with anything else.

I hate him actually. But god I want him. I crave him. I need him.

I hate him. I thought I wanted him to have that control but I don't.

Oh David...

Torn

I'm torn between wanting to make something out of my life or just destroying it.

I want to be happy and shit it's just I don't really know how.

Like I could eat healthy 1200-1300 calories and exercise. Clean my room and decorate it cute.

But I start to get obsessed and part of me just wants to eat 500 calories. If I can't be pretty I might as well be skinny.

David is going to see me in a few weeks and I'm really fat so I want to lose weight fast because he's going to see me naked. I'm fucking repulsive.

I know eating disorder = bad
Healthy eating = good

I just get too obsessed ugh it's always all of nothing.

I know what I need to do to be happy.

1. No boys right now.
2. Find god
3. No drinking/smoking
4. Eat healthy, none under 1200 calories
5. Go on walks
6. Spend time with family.
7. Stop cussing.
8. No porn or any sexual things.

I just need to give up the things that feel good in the moment.

I can't though. I'm so weak.

I don't want to give up David, even though he's not going to lead me closer to where I want to be.

So I guess I'm going to try to restrict for a little until I just see David so I can lose this weight, then I'll go back to healthy eating.

David is the only guy I can have any kind of relationship with. Turn down all other guys

Read bible everyday/pray everyday.

I can't stop cold turkey with everything but I'm going to try.

Part of me things I'm an alcoholic I always want to drink, and when I can't drink I get upset.

I'm so ugly Ughh my underbite is digusting

I have a fat face and fat legs and fat everything

Lol I'm so ADD.

Someone help me

None of this even makes sense lol

It's like I want to be happy and I know the things I do ultimately won't make me happy but I can't stop doing them.

Every time I leave counseling I'm always down to change my life but shit never happens. I suck so much.

Boys will never make me happy. Why can't i just accept that.

He has so much charm but he's not good. He doesn't want me he wants someone else and he wants to make me her.

I'm too fat for him and I'm not physically fit for him and he wants to meet up with me but I don't want him to see me naked.

Can I just maybe ignore him until he goes away? It's what I do best.

But part of me doesn't want him to go away.

I don't know if I want a d/s relationship anymore. Sex is great but I really don't know if it's healthy for me.

And this is when I get suicidal because I just don't wanna deal with any of it anymore

So

I'm such a fucking disappointment omg

The person I am or have been is not who I wanna be.

How did I end up here?

I know the answer honestly, by making the wrong decisions a million times, the same one over and over again.

Who do I want to be? Honestly the first thing that comes to my mind is pretty. How fucking shallow am I.
But my mind thinks being pretty will make me happy. Who knows maybe it will.

But ultimately I just want to be happy and learn how to like myself.

I need to learn how to accept who I am.
For my flaws and all, and realize you can't fix all of them.


Do you ever just want to curl up in a ball and hide from the world because it hurts to look at yourself in the mirror and you can just feel yourself getting bigger and bigger

Please make it stop someone fix me

It's bad again

It's getting bad again

I pretended like I was okay and what I was doing was okay because it wasn't really me. It's that other side of me.

But I admitted everything to my counselor and it felt so real. It was me. This IS me. What I'm doing isn't normal and isn't okay. It's dangerous and it doesn't fix anything.

So I go back to my eating disorder because hell always take me back with open arms right? Of course as long as I follow his rules.

I always have to have something. I can't deal with my problems if I don't have something. Whether it be cutting, boys, eating disorder, alcohol, drugs, whatever. When I have that something all my thoughts are wrapped around that

Not what a pathetic piece of stupid fat shit I am. I'm so fucking lazy. I sleep all the fucking time. I can't even fucking do my homework because I'm such a piece of fucking shit. I'm depressed. I'm anxious I'm fucking psychotic.

I'm so hideous and I'm so stupid and I'm awkward and no one will ever truly love me because who is this person they are even loving I don't know who she is and when I try to find her she's hiding because it's not safe to be who you really are

I wish I could hide in my room forever.

Please someone kill me.

Drunk and sad but what's new

I've turned into such a slut in the past month and I liked it because I was having sex and not feeling attached to these men and just enjoying myself.

But last night I had sex with such an intelligent attractive sexy man. We met online and he bought a hotel and dinner and lunch. And he drove 5 hours to see  me. I think he doesn't like me now though! :(

I look skinnier in my pictures but truth is I'm not and now I think he's regretting it. I don't think he likes me it could just be my mind talkin but come on like this guy is omg and he's 28 and I'm nothing to him and I'm just nothing I feel like. I wanna text him but I don't know. I want to cut myself so badly Omg I start fucking school tomorrow too.

Please just let me die please. I want to die so fucking bad. I just binged and purged and it sucks because not enough if coming out just the tacos I ate.

I'm sorry for whoever is reading this because it was  fuckjbg dumb

Fuck me

I didn't eat anything all day, then got drunk and of course binged and purged. I need to loose wait by Saturday I have tooo. I purged in a trash bag because I couldn't go to a bathroom because my family's home. How embarrassing is that. I hope I got most of it out. Purging makes me feel empty but honestly it doesn't really work. If anything it just helps me maintain.

My brother who is home for the week is always on my case. He doesn't like how I'm always in my room and how I sleep till noon. Sorry I'm not perfect!!!

I want to purge more actually I want to fucking cut but I can't because a boy is going to see me naked this weekend so ya

Fuck me. Ugh. I hate myself.

My eating disorder is like an abusive boyfriend. I feel so good without it in the long run but for I love it. He's addicting.

Why can't I cut without it leaving any scars

Why can't I cry with no one listening
Why can't I eat and not get fat
Why can't I be pretty like all those girls
Why can't I stick up for myself
Why am I so fucked up?
I think I'm better but I'm fucking not. I'm insane. I'm not in the right mind.

I need to lose weight and get rid of my acne and get whiter teeth so I'll be pretty and guys will like me. Or maybe just maybe I'll like me. Can I just like me?

Holy fuck I want to cut I want to cut.

I should of done Molly tonight maybe I wod feel better.

I hate this person I am. Someone please help me. Get this person away from me. I hate her.

Don't you get it? I can't stand me. I hate me. I'm ugly and awful and I suck.

I wish I was beautiful. And skinny. Why do girls that are mean get to be pretty and tan? Why do I not get that.

I'll always be just kaci. The redhead. Nothing special. Always nothing special.

Why does the world make me hate myself? Why was I so forced in my brain that it's not okay to love me.

So why do I have to settle? A guys nice and sweet to me but I don't like him, and I'm bogus for not giving him a chance. I'm so used to taking whatever comes my way I'm sorry I don't want to do that. It's not like I think the guy is below me, he's nice just not what Im into.

It's funny because I know none of my friends would ever like him, but I should be with him. It's just dumb

I like assholes okay? I can't help it. Don't know why.

Honestly I don't know if I could even be in a vanilla relationship again. I like what I like too much.

My double life.

I have sex with random men and let them hurt me and leave bruises on me and basically rape me.

I claim I like it but I don't know if I do. I just for once feel something. 

I gained all the weight I lost. I miss mynor so much, I'll never talk to him again. 

Something just happened

So a couple nights ago I cut because of a guy, after about 6 months being cut free. I'm not going to get into the details because it's complicated but anyways me and this guy are probably not going to see each other anymore.

I wrote these things on my mirror today (quotes I found on tumblr)

-and please remember that you were beautiful before he told you that you were.

-just because Someone desires you, does not mean they value you.

-stop setting yourself on fire for someone who stays to watch you burn.

-you are what you love not who loves you.

So this guy texted me and got me all in my feelings again and I was about to get my razor and cut again but I looked at my mirror and read those words. Something inside me clicked.

Everytime something bad happens to me I think I need to cut or starve or binge and purge and I don't!  Negative things keep happening to me because of my borderline personality disorder. And I'm done. I'm done letting my mental illness ruin my life. I'm done thinking that I need a guy to make me happy. I'm recovering. I'm going to get happy. I'm going to do all the homework my therapist gives me and be honest with her and honest with myself.

I'm going to kick some fucking bulimia/ borderline personality disorder ass! No more letting this shit ruin my life. I'm getting my life back.

Look out world here I come :)

Yeah

I just like you so much it makes me actually sad and want to cry and scream and cut myself because you drive me insane

I'm too fat for you and you're going to see me naked tomorrow and I'm not ready

Things I need to remind myself.

Stop waiting for a boy to save you, you can only save you.

Just because a boy is nice to you doesn't mean he's interested in you. Just because he's interested in you doesn't mean he wants to sleep with you, and just because he wants to sleep with you doesn't mean he's interested in you.

You are so much more than what a boy thinks about you. So much more.

You don't physically need anybody but yourself.

Stop fucking making exscuses. Stop saying tomorrow, or in an hour. Stop fucking procrastinating. You can kick some ass if you put your mind to it.

Don't let anyone make you think you're less than what you are. They don't mean shit.

Always dress like you're about to see your ex and his new girlfriend together.

Tell people exactly how you feel. Stop trying to spare everyone's feelings. If they are doing something to hurt you, let them know.

With some things; you are allowed to be selish. You are allowed to demand for what you want and not always ask politely.

Stop settling for bullshit dudes with mediocre wieners. You can do better.

So what you are not the skinniest or the prettiest? So what if there's a hundred million girls that are more attractive than you? You're a dime peice. No one on this earth is unattractive.. One persons beautiful is another persons hideous. It's all opinions.

Stop dumbing yourself down. You're fucking smart.

Be you, find yourself. Be generous to everyone. Treat everyone the way you would want to be treated, even if they're an asshole. Kill them with kindness.

I just want to run, throw it away.

It's stupid how much I like you. It's your fault you know. You say all these sweet things to me then you leave me hanging. I know the tricks men play, especially to vulnerable girls like me. I honestly don't think you care about me at alll. I think you just want the sexual stuff and like how attached I am to you. You were really nice at first and at times you still are but it's obvious you would not care if I just left. 

I want to cut so badly. I thought I grew out of that stage but omg do I want to cut. I can't. If he sees my scars that will just start another fight and probably make him run away from me some more. God I'm so fucking pathetic. Screw him. Screw boys screw school screw fucking biology screw my fucking messy room screw annoying men who won't leave me alone on the internet screw my fucking job screw my fat ass body.

It was so much easier when I was dating Danny. I fucking miss him for that reason alone that life was so damn easy

Mynor will probably text me in the morning. Call me up to just break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

BECAUSE HES AN ASSHOLE AND IM OBSESSED WITH HIM BECAUSE HES SO GODDAMN CHARMING AND SOMETIMES HE CALLS ME BEAUTIFUL. But mostly he treats me like dirt. 

He probably would cuddle with me for about two minutes and then be like ight time to suck my dick. I'm so sad ugh. I've lost fifteen pounds since me and him started talking. Lol I feel like I have to be skinny to measure up to him.

I wish I could tell my therapist the truth, what type of person he is and what are relationship actually is and were we met. 

I wish I could be pretty and smart and skinny and not so sad. I'm failing all my classes except for like one I'm a fucking mistake and should not of graduated from high school early. 

Who am I kidding? I try to act kind an adult but I'm just a fucking child. I'm an idiot 

Literately I just wish I could just stop life. 

I let myself get sad tonight

Today would of been me and my exes two year anniversary.

I let myself reminisce in get sad over him because I literately never do. It's been six months since we broken up. I don't know if I'm over him or not really. I couldn't tell you. I think I just miss having a boyfriend.

I haven't spoke to him since the break up. I do want him to know however that I'm doing well and that I'm losing weight and I want him to see me and be like damn she looks good what was I thinking. Does that mean I'm not over him? Who knows. I'm pretty sure he like hates me. His friends do that's for sure.

I want him to be jealous. I don't know that's why I wonder if I really am over him at times. I wish I could have sex with him one last time, lol. We don't even talk though. I doubt well ever talk again.

I keep all these feelings about him hidden because I don't like to open up this wound. Of course I think about him daily but I don't sit there and focus on him and really try to figure out what went wrong. Tonight I thought I should since it would of been 2 years today. It's crazy to think I was that girl two years ago. I'm so different now.... It's crazy how much things change.

I've grown up yes. I feel like I've changed though. I don't know if it's in a negative way or in a positive way. I'm just... Different then I was then.

I wish he would just text me and ask me how I'm doing. Did I mean that little to him? He used to tell me how he would check up on his ex to see how she was doing when we first started dating. He was obviously not over her. Is he over me? I'm sure he is. We both fell out of love. Hell I don't think I ever was in it and neither was he. We were like fire and gasoline. We weren't good together. Two very different people.

I honestly was just so desperate I was just happy a boy was giving me attention. Which he barely even did.

Why can't I just find someone that's close to my age and cares about me.

There's this guy I met on the internet who I've talked to for awhile who is just so fond of me. He is just intrigued and interested in me. Problem is he lives in Iowa and even bigger problem is that he's 40. Lol.

Ha I know my life is pathetic. I want to hook up with this Raymond guy really bad but last time he asked me to come inside I turned him down so I don't know if he'll ask me again. Lol.

And I'm still talking to mynor but he's an asshole so yeah I kinda want to sleep Raymond just to rub it in his face. Actually I wouldn't tell him but just the satisfaction of knowing I did would be good enough.

Mynor is so fucking sexy though let me tell you. He's 23 and has a really good job and has a bachelor degree and he wears suits OMG like why would I not get so attached to him.

Well anyways I am and I don't think he gives that much of a shit about me but whatever it is what it is.  I guess I just shouldn't care. I don't know I kinda want to end things with him before I get too attached but omg I like him so much

Lol wait wasn't I supposed to be beig sad over my ex Danny right now...... Lmao didn't last long. Maybe that's my answer if I'm over him or not lol. Oh welllllllllll goodnight y'all

I'm not as stupid as you sound and you sound really dumb right now.

I went to this eating disorder screening thing at my school today. We got extra credit if we went to it which I needed badly so I went. I took the survey and to have an eating disorder you needed a 20 or higher. I got a 40 lol. I should of just lied but I thought it would be helpful. It really wasn't, but I think it's cool that they are raising awareness for eating disorders.

not much going on, just busy and tired.

I reallly wish Mynor wasn't so distant. He likes to play with my mind like that. Ugh. Why do I like him so much? It's obvious he doesn't give a shit about me and just wants me for his little toy to play with.


Treat a girl like dirt and shell stick to you like mud I suppose. I'm scared of him. Is that normal? I don't know.

of course I binged and purged

I'm such a failure. I just want to die.

Yuck

My body is disgusting. Hideous. I hate it. And I hate me.

I wish someone was hear to hold me. I'd probably just end up chasing them away because that's what I'm best at.

People always leave. I'm so easy to leave. I'm so vulnerable and weak and fat and ugly.

I wish I was a mature adult. I wish I could just grow the fuck up.

I want mynor. He doesn't give a shit about me tho so oh welll

I want to die

I can't deal with all my responsibilities

I just feel sad tonight

I'm not sure why but I'm longing for someone to hold me more than normal. My heart feels like it's being ripped out and stomped on for no apparent reason. I just feel like crying and screaming and throwing things and hurting myself.

How nice would it be to run a blade through my skin? Such a release. I want to feel physical pain. I'm craving it.

I feel like dying and in a painful way. I just want to stab my heart and forget I ever lived. College is too hard. I hate it. Life is too hard. I just want to hide from the world and never come out. Lay in bed and watch netflix all day. I don't want responsibilities. I want to be carefree.

I hate me I hate me I hate me. I'm such a pouty little girl I wish I could grow the fuck up. I'm so annoying and worthless. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve it.

Idk how I feel most of the time

I just want someone to love me. To kiss me and stroke my hair and make me all better.

I need constant attention. I'm like a child.

My heart is physically hurting because the person I want to talk to the most isn't talking to me.

I've been falling back into my eating disorder honestly because of him. Nothing he did, it's just that he's busy a lot and can't talk to me. I feel so clingy and will send him multiple text messages. But wen I'm restricting I don't. I'm in control of my emotions. I don't care about a boy I care about calories.

Honestly I love how I feel when I'm restricting. It doesn't last long and I always end up binging and purging and I'm back to being clingy fucking mess again.

My therapist told me today that my friend was back. She was talking about my ED. Ugh. I don't want it back but idk. I'm not trying to push it away either.

I feel like I need to be skinnier for this boy. He's way too good for me.

This will be the only place I'll admit this but we have a different relationship dynamic. It's a dom/sub relationship.

I've always been interested in bdsm sexually but I want to live the lifestyle of it, so it's what I'm doing. He's my dom.

Which is why I don't want to disappoint him. I want to be pretty and sexy and skinny for him. We haven't done anything sexual yet but I think he would be repulsed if he saw my naked body.

I need to lose wait for him. I need to lose weight for myself. Honestly when I was restricting I didn't even care about him.... I didn't care about anything except calories and exercise.

I was okay with that.

I want to be skinny not just for boys to like me but because I would finally do something right. I need to do something correctly for a change.

What do I want, hm

I'm always filling this hole with something. This hole in my heart.

I'm a complete mess. I'm not a good person.

I don't know how I am. I put on an act.

I'm a disaster. My life is a disaster.

Can I just run away from life? Never look back.

I stay up till 4 for no reason and sleep till one for no reason. That will change soon.

I'm a bizzare not right person. I don't like myself.

I'm always trying to fill this hole, I don't think it can ever be filled permanently.

If you knew me oh my if you knew me

Darkness is all around, how do I get out?

You put me here. If you would of just stayed with me..... Of course I wouldn't of ever been happy or ever loved you because I never did love you.

I depend on a guy for my happiness.

I want out.