Idk how I feel most of the time

I just want someone to love me. To kiss me and stroke my hair and make me all better.

I need constant attention. I'm like a child.

My heart is physically hurting because the person I want to talk to the most isn't talking to me.

I've been falling back into my eating disorder honestly because of him. Nothing he did, it's just that he's busy a lot and can't talk to me. I feel so clingy and will send him multiple text messages. But wen I'm restricting I don't. I'm in control of my emotions. I don't care about a boy I care about calories.

Honestly I love how I feel when I'm restricting. It doesn't last long and I always end up binging and purging and I'm back to being clingy fucking mess again.

My therapist told me today that my friend was back. She was talking about my ED. Ugh. I don't want it back but idk. I'm not trying to push it away either.

I feel like I need to be skinnier for this boy. He's way too good for me.

This will be the only place I'll admit this but we have a different relationship dynamic. It's a dom/sub relationship.

I've always been interested in bdsm sexually but I want to live the lifestyle of it, so it's what I'm doing. He's my dom.

Which is why I don't want to disappoint him. I want to be pretty and sexy and skinny for him. We haven't done anything sexual yet but I think he would be repulsed if he saw my naked body.

I need to lose wait for him. I need to lose weight for myself. Honestly when I was restricting I didn't even care about him.... I didn't care about anything except calories and exercise.

I was okay with that.

I want to be skinny not just for boys to like me but because I would finally do something right. I need to do something correctly for a change.

What do I want, hm

I'm always filling this hole with something. This hole in my heart.

I'm a complete mess. I'm not a good person.

I don't know how I am. I put on an act.

I'm a disaster. My life is a disaster.

Can I just run away from life? Never look back.

I stay up till 4 for no reason and sleep till one for no reason. That will change soon.

I'm a bizzare not right person. I don't like myself.

I'm always trying to fill this hole, I don't think it can ever be filled permanently.

If you knew me oh my if you knew me

Darkness is all around, how do I get out?

You put me here. If you would of just stayed with me..... Of course I wouldn't of ever been happy or ever loved you because I never did love you.

I depend on a guy for my happiness.

I want out.

If you really knew me.

You'd be disgusted. I have secrets that I've never told anyone. Secrets that define who I am.

They ruin me. Make me different.

Drunken ramblings about my ex boyfriend

We were toxic me and you

We were never good together. We were so different. We were brought up in two different house holds and thought totally different. What was important to you didn't mean anything to me and vise versa.

Everyone wanted us to break up. We were the only ones that didn't see it. I hated you. You repulsed me. But I said I loved you..

Did I love you? I don't know. What is love? Someone tell me because I honestly don't know. When you care about someone? Because I cared a lot about you. I had this connection with you that I never felt with anyone else. Was that just because of sex? I don't know

How can someone explain to me how I feel if i don't even know

This is why I want to kill myself because of stupid ass shit like this that doesn't even matter and should not make a person want to kill themselves

But I just ate a lot of pizza rolls and drink a lot of beer so I probably gained more weight

I want to be fucking skinny again. Before I start college next semester dude I'm losing weight.

I hate myself and everyone around me. I want to die.

Is it weird that not even an hour ago I was afraid of getting old and dying and now I want to die?

I don't make sense. Someone lock me up I'm not sane

I have a headache and I'm drunk and I just want the pain to leave and I want someone to love me

Life right now

Is good one day and shit the next day.

Today was okay I ate normally, I didn't feel bad about it until now. I've restricted most of last week and binged and purged Saturday.

This is really awkward and weird to say but my eating disorder is like my boyfriend.
When I was dating someone I was pretty much recovered from my eating disorder. I still had slip ups but it was probably about 80% better. Now that I've been single for about four months, shit has hit the fan and I've been relapsing like a mother fucker.
When I'm not experiencing attention from a boy, I'm experiencing attention from my eating disorder.
Fuck my borderline persinality tendancies that make it impossible for me to be happy alone.
I want to lose weight but I want to do it in a healthy way. Every time I try to diet I just end up restricting. It's all black or white to me. If I eat a healthy amount I look at it as too much and decide to eat twice the healthy amount.
My anxiety has been bad lately. My heart hurts like my chest is literately in pain. I keep on replaying the stupid things I said this past week again and again. Ugh it never stops.
I want to cut so badly.
I'm the same girl as I was three years ago. It sucks.
I want to get better and then again part of me doesn't. It's messed up.
Honestly I wish I could just lay in bed for the rest of my life.

I need a friend. Email me. Kacibayley@yahoo.com

I'm obsessed with suicide

I find myself everyday trying to look up ways on how to do it constantly reading up.

I'm always thinking about it. Always.

I've relapsed. I binged today because I've been so hungry from restricting. Back to the cycle.

I hate my life. So so so much.

I would love to go to inpatient but because outpatient isn't enough. But I'm broke and don't have health insurance.

It's not like I haven't tried to look for help because I have. theres not much else to say.

Anyone know the key to happiness?

Because I can't find it. I'm depressed awfully.

I don't even know why this time.

I hate being alone. I hate it. I let guys walk all over me.

I'm desperate for love and affection. That's what makes me happy.

But it's not real happiness.

I honestly do not wanna do this anymore. This is so stressful. Waking up everyday hating everyone and everything around you, feeling so much anxiety you could die. I really feel like I'm not supposed to live anymore. I can't see myself growing old.

I can't deal with life anymore. I hate myself . I hate everyone around me. I just want to die.

Thats all I want is to just make it stop. I don't wanna do this.