every day i shufflin.

i love lmfao <3

anyways, I'm having my party tomorrow, bout to get to fucked up. sucks because I have to wake up at like 6 am and go to a parade for dance. dance blows, but hey i would be super fat if i didnt do it. its my workout for everyday.

my mom makes me cry. she tells me how much she hates her life and how much she wants to die. she says she has nothing to live for. she makes me just wanna curl up in a ball and cry.

my parents got in a big fight today which triggerd me to cut myself. idk why it bothers me, I should just be used to it by now. I dont really think about it that often but my family is really messed up. were al just living. we dont like eachother. were hanging on by a thread. we have debt coming out of our asses and me and my mom have mental disorders. my sister hates my mom for not being there when she needed her. my dad is literately doing everything he can to keep a fake smile on. my brothers dont live with us, and my brother daniel doesnt want anything to do with us. our house is a shit hole. yeah its big, but its so messy. my mom has not been able to function ever since my cat benny died. its just fucked up. my family is not happy. were all just waiting to either leave the house, or die.

i wanna be happy. ive realised today that the reason why I have so much self hatred is because of other people. Isnt that fucked up? Its called self hatred because it comes from yourself. but for me, other people have made me hate myself. because I was teased, because my friends were so much prettier than me, because my friends could eat whatever they want and never gain weight, because my friends always had a boy that liked them, because my friends were so neat and proper, and I was so messy and unorganized, because they all played sports and I didn't, because there house was always clean, because there mommy's made there lunches, because I said things when I wasn't supposed to, because I didn't always get new clothes, because my hair was red, because I was pale, because I was raised from a strict family, because I grew up faster, because I was different.
since I wasnt like everyone else. things that common people shared, i didn't share. Ive tried to be like someone else for so long I dont know who I am. I was made fun of for that. society told me "Hey,you dont look/act/think like the rest of us, so your not worthy of love" so I wasn't aloud to love myself.



I'll never be perfect. I'll never be like everyone else. I'll never meet the worlds expectations. So why should I be against myself since so many other people are?
because society wants me to be like everyone else.

I just need to learn to love myself<------------------------hahahahaha. thats a funny joke.

but really, I need to stop living by the worlds expectations and figure out my own.


now all I have to do is find out how to do that.........

so i over-reacted before.

ive been binging and purging like zonkers. blood came up this time. you think i would stop, but i binged more and more blood came up.... oh wellz.

carlton has been texting me. i was kind of flirting with him yesterday, but idk. i dont really like himm? so idk. he wants to hang out with me. i dont want too.

....i dont know what else to write about. im thinking that this eating disorder or whatever you wanna call it is ruining my life. im seeing my therapist tomorrow......maybe ill ask to help recover.

taking a handful of pills

seems fucking awesome right now.

I hate my very existence.

I hate my family.im so angry right now, I just want to keep on cutting myself until i bleed to death. I fucking hate everything! I suck at life. Im never gonna be good enough. All I want is to be happy. I'll never be happy. I hate myself, I hate everything about me. I hate my life. I don't give a fuck if I'm lucky, you think I don't know that shit?

I don't know what to do anymore! I legit just want to kill myself. I hate living. I told my therapists I would be strong, but I'm just sick of fighting! It's to hard, I'm not strong enough to change my life. I'll always be to fat and too ugly. My thinking will never change. I'll never be happy. I just want to die. I don't want to live anymore. I hate life. I hate everything. Ill never be the girl everyone else wants me to be. I'll never live up to the worlds expectations. I'll always just be ugly kaci. Sure I'm nice, but no one appreciates that. You can't just be nice to get by in this world.

The only one that accepts me is god. It's even hard for me to wrap my head around that he loves me.


I hate my fat self. I hate everything. I'm repulsive. I. Just. Want. To. Die.


Please take me god. I hate this world. Im never going to be good enough for it, so why live? I'm too fucking weird and not like everyone else. No one will accept me but you. I just want to be in heaven with you and my kitty.

Darknesss just surrounds me. I'm trapped in this whole and I'll never get out.


I hate life, I hate me. Ugh. I need to die.

Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die.
Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat f

I faiiiiiiil

I binge and binge and binge.

New diet(if you wanna call it that)

Breakfast-fiber bar (90 calories)
Lunch-fruits and veggies (up to 150 calories)
Dinne-lean casine (200-300 calories)
Snack-Popsicle (15 calories)

So at the highest I will be eating 555 calories. I prob imagine on daily I'll be eating 500 though. I'm doing this to at least Sunday. Hopefully I can stick through it and not binge!
I have dance tomorrow so that's two hours of exercise right there. I'm going to start looking at thinspo every morning so I'll be motivated for the day.

I miss my kitty :( :( :( he was my baby. Whenever I had a bad day i would curl up to him. I loved him so much. My whole family did. Even my dad was balling his eyes out. It just sucks. He has to be in heaven. God loves the animals. He made each and every one of them. Why wouldn't he send them to heaven? I know Benny is in heaven, he has to be.

Welll I'm too lazy to go downstairs to take my anti depressants. Lol oh wells. See ya.

todays a depressing day.

my baby kitty benny died today. he was amazing. i loved him so much <3

alll ive wanted to do today was eat my feelings. but i cant do that, cuz ill get fat. :<



today is just an fml day.

Catching up

Well I just got home from Florida from chuch camp. I've realized how much I do truly love god.
I'm always running away from him because I feel like I'll never be good enough for him. I know I still do bad things, but I'm working on it. All I want to do is just praise him.
I've gained so much weight! I'm 124 and was a whopping 127 the day I came back. WTF. I'm sick of bingeing and purging. I just need to be strong. I know I can do it. It's just going to take some will power. I'm going to fast. Deff tomorrow. It's just do hard cuz things always come up, but I'm just gonna have to stick through it. I hate food. It's so gross. All I wanna do is just be thin.
I relapsed on cutting. It sucks. It's taking control over me..... I don't know what to do anymore.
I passed my drug test my parents gave me. So suck on that mom & dad.
I have therapy on Tuesday. Yippee, its not with my regular girl though, so I'm not too excited.
I just want to die. I don't know why I haven't killed myself yet. I hate life. I just want to go to heaven with Jesus.

I'll write tomorrow. Hopefully my fast goes well. Byeeeee