managed to reach my goal of 600 calories today. ALMOST BINGED ON BROWNIES, BUT I DIDNT! YAAAAAAAAAAY! i was so happy you have no idea. it took everything in me not too, because brownies are so delish, but i didn't! I'm at 121, hopefully shrinkinng!
*yawn* so tired. I should work more on the layout of my blog since it looks like poop, but I'm too lazy. haha, maybe tomorrow?
so glad that I'm on thin now! (thehelpIneed.webs.com) so supportive and wonderful. so done with the fucking dictatorship on PT. i seriously loved that site, but just in a few days it changed and got horrible. the site owner literately doesn't give a fuck about anyone on there. he just wants money and publicity. he doesn't care about eating disorders or any of it. if he did,he would of understood where everyone was coming from.
im hungry, but its not botherin me! haha.
well im gonna hit the hay, gonna start commenting on some blogs tomorrow, my goal is to be more active. :D
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
PT sucks
The leader james is like fucking hitler. considering leaving, I just need support, and don't know where else to go. :/
had 800 calories today, it's a lot but im trying to get out of the binging cycle. tomorrow will be 600 calories.
don't have much to do, no plans for tonight. im prob gonna try to make my blog look all shnazzy, after looking at all yours i get so jealous :)
had 800 calories today, it's a lot but im trying to get out of the binging cycle. tomorrow will be 600 calories.
don't have much to do, no plans for tonight. im prob gonna try to make my blog look all shnazzy, after looking at all yours i get so jealous :)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
lolwut
sister caught me purging today. talk about awkward. she told my parents. she also said that she thinks PT made me start doing it. lol alright.
just bingedd hella. brownies, chips, and mac and cheese. purged in the shower. thats prob my new spot.
buuuuuuut, i'm going to stop b/ping. (lol well ima try) for real hardcore. i hate it. everytime i do it im just like "yuck food" but then 5 hours later BAM i do it all again.
jgsidojfisfhjsi. why can't I just be skinny like all the other girls? like honestlyy i wish i didnt have to work for this shit. i wish i was just perfect.
the girls i use to look at and think there skeletons now look like fucking goddess's to me. I guess when someone called me out on that today it kinda made me realize that my perception of beautiful has been fucked up.
ask me a couple of years ago if I would wanna look like some of those girls I would of said "hell no, there to skinny." but now all i see is beauty, pure perfection. with there thigh gaps and there flat tummys. I prob look like a lesbo just admiring all the skinny girls I see but its whatever.
my tummy hurts from purging too much, i feel like dizzy. i mean i usually feel dizzy but usually it stops, but it hasn'tt. hopefully ill die or sumtin LOLZJK DOO.
sister is right now lecturing me about PT as I'm typing this. nigga she trippin
so carlton texted me wanting to hang outt idk what to say... i dont really want too. maybe i should just throw out the cold shoulder? i mean hey its summer i dont have to see him anymore. if i hang out with im gonna do shit with him. everyone i talk to about it with other people there just like "dont do it" but i cant.
i have cuts all over my legs too not attractive.
kkkkkk im done here man byeee!bl
just bingedd hella. brownies, chips, and mac and cheese. purged in the shower. thats prob my new spot.
buuuuuuut, i'm going to stop b/ping. (lol well ima try) for real hardcore. i hate it. everytime i do it im just like "yuck food" but then 5 hours later BAM i do it all again.
jgsidojfisfhjsi. why can't I just be skinny like all the other girls? like honestlyy i wish i didnt have to work for this shit. i wish i was just perfect.
the girls i use to look at and think there skeletons now look like fucking goddess's to me. I guess when someone called me out on that today it kinda made me realize that my perception of beautiful has been fucked up.
ask me a couple of years ago if I would wanna look like some of those girls I would of said "hell no, there to skinny." but now all i see is beauty, pure perfection. with there thigh gaps and there flat tummys. I prob look like a lesbo just admiring all the skinny girls I see but its whatever.
my tummy hurts from purging too much, i feel like dizzy. i mean i usually feel dizzy but usually it stops, but it hasn'tt. hopefully ill die or sumtin LOLZJK DOO.
sister is right now lecturing me about PT as I'm typing this. nigga she trippin
so carlton texted me wanting to hang outt idk what to say... i dont really want too. maybe i should just throw out the cold shoulder? i mean hey its summer i dont have to see him anymore. if i hang out with im gonna do shit with him. everyone i talk to about it with other people there just like "dont do it" but i cant.
i have cuts all over my legs too not attractive.
kkkkkk im done here man byeee!bl
Friday, July 8, 2011
b/p on repeat.
tried to do the master cleanse but ended up binging and purging. blech.
i hatee my fat self. yuck. I fail at everything.
I'm not going to cut. I'm not. as much as I want too, I'm not.
I never ever ever ever wanna eat again.
dfdfmosdifkdsmfksfkldsflkdsfjkfd. ugh. I hate myself.
i hatee my fat self. yuck. I fail at everything.
I'm not going to cut. I'm not. as much as I want too, I'm not.
I never ever ever ever wanna eat again.
dfdfmosdifkdsmfksfkldsflkdsfjkfd. ugh. I hate myself.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
.
I feel as if I need to love myself. I need to accept who I am and what I look like. I don't even know where to begin with that. Honestly loving myself just seems like a foreign language. I feel as if I don't deserve to love myself. I feel as if I would love the way I looked I would just be another ugly girl that think shes hot shit but shes not. I feel I would be cocky. I feel like I don't deserve it honestly. Someone like me shouldn't be loved by any one, esspecially not herself.
But, I want to love me. I want to. I feel as if I shouldn't, but I want too. I feel as if I don't deserve it, but I want too. how do I get somthing I shouldn't have? How do I get somthing I don't deserve? How?
I don't know. I just don't. I don't know where to begin with anything.
I'm see my therapist tomorow at 11. Hopefully my regular one is back, I miss her. shes gonna be dissapointed I've rellapsed into cutting.
I wish I was skinny. the end.
But, I want to love me. I want to. I feel as if I shouldn't, but I want too. I feel as if I don't deserve it, but I want too. how do I get somthing I shouldn't have? How do I get somthing I don't deserve? How?
I don't know. I just don't. I don't know where to begin with anything.
I'm see my therapist tomorow at 11. Hopefully my regular one is back, I miss her. shes gonna be dissapointed I've rellapsed into cutting.
I wish I was skinny. the end.
Monday, July 4, 2011
b-e-autiful
beautiful-
Prototypic female face of high attractiveness Prototypic female face of low attractiveness
("unsexy face")
("sexy face")
so, in the worlds perception, I'm unattractive. does this phase me? No. why not? why doesn't a girl with such low self esteem get sad after hearing this?
because sad thing, I already knew this. I'm not attractive.
I don't have BDD, or eating disorder, or anything. science proves I'm ugly.
this is all.
1. Pleasing the senses or mind aesthetically.
2. Of a very high standard; excellentthis is what is consider beautiful, by the way. I typed in google, "what is beautiful" I show you what I found in my research.
("unsexy face")
("sexy face")
Characteristic features of the female "sexy face" in comparison to the "unsexy face":
- Suntanned skin
- Narrower facial shape
- Less fat
- Fuller lips
- Slightly bigger distance of eyes
- Darker, narrower eye brows
- More, longer and darker lashes
- Higher cheek bones
- Narrower nose
- No eye rings
- Thinner lids
well, lets see how I match up, shall we?
1.suntanned skin- well I'm pale as a ghost. so next.
2.narrower facial shape-hmm well lets see. I never really examined what kinds of face I have. I would say its more ovalish, so nope.
3.less fat-ha ha ha ha.ha. well my bmi is at a healthy range. but I still feel fat as fuck. so idk about this one. one might say I'm normal. but I'm not thin, or atleast I don't feel thin.
4.fuller lips- deff not. My lips are as small as they come.
5.slightly bigger, distant of eyes- my eyes are pretty small actually. i guess theres a distant between them? im not sure.
6. darker narower eyebrows- my eye brows are blond. there also sort of bushy right now, so nada.
7.more longer, darker lashes- without mascara, My eye lashes are blond. so nope.
8.higher cheek bones- well in my opinion, I feel as if there not high. but idk if thats accurate, just my opinion.
9.narower nose- my nose is long, it's not fat, it's just long. I hate my nose. I have a bump on it. so I wouldn't consider it beautiful.
10.no eye rings- You mean black circles? well I got those. next.
11.thinner lids.-like, eye lids? to be honest, I'm not sure. I guess so?
1.suntanned skin- well I'm pale as a ghost. so next.
2.narrower facial shape-hmm well lets see. I never really examined what kinds of face I have. I would say its more ovalish, so nope.
3.less fat-ha ha ha ha.ha. well my bmi is at a healthy range. but I still feel fat as fuck. so idk about this one. one might say I'm normal. but I'm not thin, or atleast I don't feel thin.
4.fuller lips- deff not. My lips are as small as they come.
5.slightly bigger, distant of eyes- my eyes are pretty small actually. i guess theres a distant between them? im not sure.
6. darker narower eyebrows- my eye brows are blond. there also sort of bushy right now, so nada.
7.more longer, darker lashes- without mascara, My eye lashes are blond. so nope.
8.higher cheek bones- well in my opinion, I feel as if there not high. but idk if thats accurate, just my opinion.
9.narower nose- my nose is long, it's not fat, it's just long. I hate my nose. I have a bump on it. so I wouldn't consider it beautiful.
10.no eye rings- You mean black circles? well I got those. next.
11.thinner lids.-like, eye lids? to be honest, I'm not sure. I guess so?
so, in the worlds perception, I'm unattractive. does this phase me? No. why not? why doesn't a girl with such low self esteem get sad after hearing this?
because sad thing, I already knew this. I'm not attractive.
I don't have BDD, or eating disorder, or anything. science proves I'm ugly.
this is all.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
well hello there
FIRST OFF. I wanted to comment back what RavenKat14 said, but for some reason blogger is not letting me do it, grr. anyways, I really appreciate what you said, and I'm glad you can see where I was coming from, because I thought most people wouldn't understand. and thank you very much, it means a lot. xoxoxo.
so anyways back to blog. yesterday I walked/danced in the vp parade in st louis and ended up passing out and throwing up. it was bad. i had like 15 people around me pouring water on me. i legit had everything against me.
1. was hungover
2. only slept for like two hours
3.didn't eat anything
4. on my period
5. IT WAS LIKE HOT AS FUCK.
lol. but yeah it sucked. my party sucked too. i had a bad drunk. i thought like everyone was out to get me and everyone was talking about me. it was the scariest thing of my life, I just made myself go to sleep. it sucked. my birthday is in two days. yay for being 16.
I did somthing stupid today. I've been doing it for a long time, and I'm not going to say what it is, because no one knows. But lets just say this time I did it it really could of led to ruining my life. I was going to do it today. I was gonna end it all. I called kuto and told them the deep secret, they didn't know much to say. It just helped crying it out and talking I guess. I don't want to think about what happened. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk about it. but I doubt anyone would be able to understand. So I'm done...
I b/p today. I prob will tomorow too. for my birthday, I'm just gonna try to be happy and eat whatever.
I hate how fat I am. I'm getting huge. my sister caught me purging today. I just lied and lied but she didn't believe me. whatever.
I'm out baiiii
so anyways back to blog. yesterday I walked/danced in the vp parade in st louis and ended up passing out and throwing up. it was bad. i had like 15 people around me pouring water on me. i legit had everything against me.
1. was hungover
2. only slept for like two hours
3.didn't eat anything
4. on my period
5. IT WAS LIKE HOT AS FUCK.
lol. but yeah it sucked. my party sucked too. i had a bad drunk. i thought like everyone was out to get me and everyone was talking about me. it was the scariest thing of my life, I just made myself go to sleep. it sucked. my birthday is in two days. yay for being 16.
I did somthing stupid today. I've been doing it for a long time, and I'm not going to say what it is, because no one knows. But lets just say this time I did it it really could of led to ruining my life. I was going to do it today. I was gonna end it all. I called kuto and told them the deep secret, they didn't know much to say. It just helped crying it out and talking I guess. I don't want to think about what happened. Maybe one day I'll be able to talk about it. but I doubt anyone would be able to understand. So I'm done...
I b/p today. I prob will tomorow too. for my birthday, I'm just gonna try to be happy and eat whatever.
I hate how fat I am. I'm getting huge. my sister caught me purging today. I just lied and lied but she didn't believe me. whatever.
I'm out baiiii
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