So I'm officially relapsed

I'm too embarrassed to say my weight. I'm over recovery. Ill be on here a lot more.

relapsing

the thoughts.....they're coming back.

i was doing so well.

i really looked at myself today and thought how gross and ugly i was. it's all ive been thinking about for the last hour.

i texted my boyfriend basically fishing for a compliment complaining how fat i was just hoping he would say you're beautiful just the way you are

and instead he says "if you're unhappy about your body then do something about it"

i'll do something about it alright

Reading my old blog posts, even from just 4-5 months ago...

wow. was I really that bad?

It makes me sad reading it. I really hope I don't relapse. I like being happy.

I'm not happy go lucky either. Like I have several things that don't make me happy. But I am able to function through life. I am able to look at the sky and realize how it really is a blessing to be alive.

This isn't what I wanted to make a blog post about though. I got on here ready to write but then I got curious and started looking at all my old blog posts.

I guess I would of been 15 when I started this blog, so two-ish years ago? so much has changed.

which is directly what I wanted to talk about/rant about.

I tweeted something about 20 min ago that said "I feel like once I get out of High school I won't talk to anyone I met in there again." Some of my "friends" tweeted back saying don't say that blah blah.

these friends haven't asked me to hangout in weeks. they ask me for ride homes sometimes.

which is why I tweeted this. High school changes everybody. I was best friends with a girl my freshman year who i can barely keep conversation with now because it's so awkward, she's like a stranger. I started to be friends with a whole different group at the end of my sophmore year which had some good and bad things. the good things is i didn't drink and party as much when i was with them, the bad thing is that to say this nicely, they're fake bitches. They like to talk about each other behind each others backs and just be mean girls. One day they wanna be your best friend the next day they don't. Which is why I'm saying once i get out of high school i won't talk to any of those people again. because for the record I'm done with them. like i'm over it.

I'm graduating early, which means I have the rest of this semester and then one more semester then im out. I really realized this is the best decision for me. I think I'm over exaggerating when I say I hate everyone at high school, but I definately have strong feelings of dislikeness towards them. And I mean I'm one of them. Guilty i've talked crap behind someones back. I'm not proud of it and honestly I feel bad about it. I've gotten better with age. And i've noticed when I'm around certain people i start to do it more.

I just wanna get away from those people and on to the next stage of my life. I'm sure it'll be awhile before high school really leaves me, but now that I think about it, I do kinda wanna move. I guess I told myself I'll go wherever danny goes. But well see about that.

I'm just literately over high school. It's awful and so are the people. Maybe thats what real life is like, but I doubt it's as bad as someone telling someone, just walking right up to there face and saying, "yo you ugly as fuck"

i'm hoping real life is more mature than that.

haven't been on this forever

because my life has been pretty good.

Me and danny broke up but got back together. still not sure how I feel about that situation.

I'm about 139. the old me would probably want to kill myself about this.

i'm not happy about it no. But i'm doing it the healthy way.

I gave up fast food completely.

I guess it's all about balance with me. I would not eat at all or eat 3 days worth of food.

I'm learning every thing is okay in moderation. I count calories sometimes but find that it's best not too. some days I get obsessive but I move past it.

Some days I feel bad for eating something but again I'm able to get past it.

It's sad to say that getting a boyfriend is really the reason why I've been happier and changing my life. Because honestly I'm really scared that when we break up I'm just gonna go down the tube again. Which is why you should never depend on a boy for happiness. It's very dangerous. but... I did.

Honestly I knew I was never gonna get confidence from myself. I had to get it from someone else showing me affection. Thats probably not very healthy.

When me and danny broke up I literately felt like my whole worlds fell apart. I didn't wanna move eat or breathe. It really scared me. Of course we started dating again. He bought me a teddy bear and new shoes and yada yada yada.

Since this happened, I'm trying to teach myself not to be so clingy. Like last night I really had to stop myself. I get so needy like it's disgusting. I just want to be wanted so bad.

thats when I start to question....am I love with him or the idea of him?

am I only with him because he's like therapy to me?

I think I love him. I mean this whole time before we broke up I knew I loved him. But when we broke up I wasn't so sure. I was so....hurt. angry. sad. I don't know. too many emotions. I didn't cut. I didn't eat that day though.

I wanna be with danny. I do. In fact I want to spend the rest of my life with him and have kids and raise them in a happy house.


Thats what I think I want........but do i?

I keep on second guessing myself. a big part is telling me I shouldn't be with him. But I can't and don't want to let him go.

maybe I'm obsessed/addicted to him. idk.

I don't know what to do at this point. I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

I wanna be with him. but I feel like it might be all fake. like I'm not with him for the right reasons.

I have no idea what I should do. I guess just keep on keepin on.

Blahhh

I'm such a mistake lol.
Me and Danny almost broke up yesterday.
I cried so hard I got sick.
I couldn't speak. Like literately it was horrible.

I'm so fat and disgusting and I hate myself.  That's it bye

I'm so unhappy with my life

I really am. Nothing is seeming to go right anymore.

I love my boyfriend but then again I hate him. He doesn't treat me like a girlfreind. I want the kind of boyfriend who sends there girlfriends good night texts and kisses them the moment they see her and tell her she's beautiful.

I guess I'm asking for a lot. I mean this is the 21st century and it's not like I'm gonna marry the guy. A big part of me wants to break up with him but idk what I would do without him. A big chunk of. Y heart would feel like it been ripped out of my chest. It's like something would be missing. I couldn't walk through the hall ways and see him and act like everything was okay. I couldn't do it.

He took my virginity. If he didn't take my virginity it would be so much easier to break up with him. Why the hell did I have sex with him? I didn't wanna do it. Now I always wanna have sex. And he doesn't. Which makes me feel unwanted.

I don't think he wants to be with me either. I don't think he has for awhile now. I hate him. He's just so awful. I just wish he would treat me how he used too. 

just feel like crying tonight.

i don't like where my life is heading. i'm a mistake.

i'm 130-135 lbs.

ive relapsed on cutting.

i'm obsessed with my boyfriend.

i keep on thinking i'm happy but i'm not. it's all a lie. i'm putting a fake smile on.

i'm so disgustingly fat. it's so gross. i'm so gross. i just want to die.

god i'm disgusting.