i have not had a binging streak like this in atleast a month.

4 fucking days of pure binging. this was the week where i really wanted too restrict because i go to the doctor on friday, and thats sort of like, an official way in for me. i 'm gonna fast for three days and work out. i'm gonna do it.

i feel so big it's disgusting. ive been lowering my medicine because i'm switching to prozac cuz it helps more with bulimia. it didn't really effect me until this week when i had to start taking only a half. now i've been feeling like crazy suicidal and sad.

friday can't come soon enough. i need my drugs. lol but seriously. the only reason why i'm actually sort of functioning is because i have danny. he makes me forget about things.

i wish i could just tell him everything. i don't think hell ever understand completely. i wish he would.

he's so great. i want to marry him someday. is that crazy?

i feel so big i could seriously cry. like it's like i'm getting bigger by the second.

fuck my eating disorder. fuck recovery also. fuck life. i just wish i didn't have to deal with it. just lay in bed with danny for the rest of my life. that's the kind of life i want to live. lol. but im serious.

i love sleeping and i love danny, those things combined=happiness.

i haven't wrote much this month.

sorry. I don't know. I've just been putting it off.

i stayed home from school because i fucking hate school.

i like danny but im scared he's gonna leave me one of these days.

doubting if i should tell him about my eating disorder. I'm gonna have to tell him one of these days.

i feel like he wont believe me. i think he thinks i don't have a reason to be upset with life.

i dont i guess. but just because i dont have a reason doesn't change the situation.

i think he knows though if he were to break up with me i would want to kill myself. i would. but i don't know if i actually would.

he pisses me off a lot. i'm too needy. i want him to just kiss my feet 24/7 and hes not gonna do that. i guess we need our space from each other.

im done trying with a lot of things. time for nap time. im getting so fat. ive binged for the last 3 days. im fasting tomorrow. deff. and wednesday im going to eat 300. and then thursday 500 and then friday 600 and saturday 800. yay.

nap time. bye.

wake me up from this dream.

me and danny kind of got in a fight today basically just because I'm crazy and I'm on my period. I don't wanna discuss it anymore.

hopefully he doesn't think any less of me because of it. I don't want him to think I'm to psycho for him to love me.

i think i do love him. im probably just infatuated with him but he's different than everyone else. I just don't ever want him to leave me.

I'm scared he's gonna leave me. fuck borderline personality disorder.

if he honestly knew how crazy I really was I doubt he would like me. lol. he knows some. like he knows i cut and i have depression and i go to counseling. i think he suspects some of my eating disorder but idk.

i'm hungry. I might go have a banana. idk. i've had like 450 today so i can afford to eat a banana.

i feel like cutting. i'm honestly scared danny is going to leave me even though I know he wont. ugh.

i just like him so much its nuts. he makes life suck a lot less and he makes me not want to kill myself all the time.

i still want too- yes. i do. i still think of suicide. not as often though. which is good. I'm making progress. I've gotten a lot better.

fuck my eating disorder. kbye.

i dont want to recover

i have to... i have to at least try. i can't just pretend recover.

it's just so fucking hard. i just cut because i couldn't purge or fast today because of my fucking parents.

i think i may have irritable bowel syndrome which can be caused by bulimia. so it really upset my parents so now theyre being all ape shit crazy and making me eat in front of them and not go upstairs to purge. there trying to act like i wanna be like this.

i wish motherfuckers would just leave me alone. i know they care i know but i dont want them too. i can do this by myself i don't need there help. i just want to be left alone. i wont eat. fine. fuck it. I have so much will power i don't need to binge and purge. ill go back to lying to them. ill put out dirty dishes so theyll think i ate. i'm gonna fast for three days. i need to cleanse myself.

i cut today. i don't wanna discuss it.

i told danny somewhat about my problems, just that i go to counseling and i take medicine for depression. he seemed to understand and said he went through that "stage" lol. i dont think i wanna tell him anything more.

another thing my moms trying to threaten me not to see him if i don't start eating better. fuck that bitch. ill do what the fuck i want.

i need to get to sleep. i went home from school yesterday because i had diareha, like the kind i get from laxatives. which is why i might i have IBS because it said to switch from being constipated to having diarrea. lol. my pooper is messed up.

oh well. fuck everything. only thing i need is danny. he's such a sweetie.

ohh jeez

I'm so fat. I just went on a two day binge spur. I'm fasting tomorrow.

I've gained a lot of control back in my eating disorder, really ever since i started dating danny things started to change. I don't know. I don't wanna eat when I'm with him. Like i do but i don't.

his ex girlfriend was really skinny which is a huge trigger for me. I feel like I need to be skinnier than her. I need to be prettier than her.

I think he still loves her. I think he wants me but he would go back to her if she really wanted him back.

I just really care about danny and I want him to be happy.

god I'm so freaking fat. I don't even wanna weigh myself. yuck. fasting tomorrow. yayz. me and my counselor talked about how going about eating, and we decided to just take it meal by meal. by not setting a calorie limit for the whole day, rather just for one meal. so just focus on one meal for the time and not focus on having a certain amount of calories.

it's like i want danny to know about all the things wrong with me, but I don't want to tell him. and I also don't want him to stop me.

i miss cutting. a lot.

i need to start reading again. sigh. I just want to get my life together. that's all.

i wonder if danny would still like me if he knew about how much of a nut job i really was. he has to some how suspect some of it. i mean come on, you can tell im a mess just by looking at me. and he's seen me naked, he's had to see all the scars on my legs, unless he's just stupid. lol.

idk. lifes not as bad with him i guess. i don't want a guy to make me happy but for the time being he keeps me living. maybe god does have a plan for me.

i want to die still. is that bad?

havent wrote in awhile

been kind of busy with danny and such.


.........we had sex. it just sort of happened. idk. i wanted it at the time but i wish we would of waited. oh well.

it hurt like a motherfuckker. seriously holy shit. he popped my cherry, yikes.

we did it again yesterday for the second real time and it hurt a little bit but when we kept going it felt better. idk.

i think hes mad at me cuz i smoke weed? get the fuck over it bro. seriously. last thing i need is another person trying to tell me what to do.

we tell each other we love each other....thats really weird isn't it? we've only dated for like two weeks. idk. i don't know if i exactly love him, but i'm certainly overwhelmed with feelings for him. like other guys have tried to talk to me and i just ignore them because i want to be with danny. idk why but i reallly do like him. it's weird. i hope nothing messes it up.

he keeps on asking me about my eating problems...and i go to therapy on wenesdays and he always wants to know where i go. he doesn't pester me about those things i guess like i do him. idk. i guess he allows me to have some sort of freedom which is good.

if he ever breaks up with me im pretty sure it's gonna be the last straw to totally breaking me. ill prob kill myself.

soooo

ive lost weight. yay.

debating if i should tell danny about my eating disorder. (dannys my boyfriend) i dont wanna scare him off, but it's gonna come up. hes been wanting to go out to eat and stuff and i dont. he asks me why i dont eat around him and honestly it's because i dont want too. it's weird because when I'm with him I don't get triggered to binge or eat really at all. I don't know if it's because I'm nervous to eat around him but idk. ill have to talk to my therapist about it.

so...me and him already kinda did stuff. i sort of gave him a handjob, it was a bad one lol. he fingered me and ate me out for a lil bit. idk. mostly we just kinda cuddled naked. I really like him and it's like so comfortable with him. i feel like so happy. I just always wanna be with him. He's so great. I know we wont have sex but I'm scared too. i'm pretty sure he's gonna take my virginity. I want him too. just not right now. at least 6 months. thats what my rules gonna be is 6 months.

sigh. i don't ever wanna have sex truthfully. i just want 43488394 cats for the rest of my life. k cool.